The One Where I Should Have Carried A Taser....

As I mentioned we spent all day Saturday car shopping with the FlyingMonkeys.

I had research, I basically knew what I wanted and about how much it should cost. I even had financing already in place...should be easy huh? Not so much.


Here is how we started....


1. Pull into a dealership.

2. 5 feet into the lot salesmen begin zeroing in on us like short, pudgy, heat seeking polyester missiles.

3. I warn kids again not to make eye contact with them....

4. Maniacal salesmen have roped off used car section forcing us to park and walk if we want to check them out.

5. We rush from the car and head deep into the lot....they still follow, always staying a few cars behind...kind of like a police tail in a movie.

6. They get closer and closer...we know this not because we see them...but their unmistakable odor....Drakkar and Tic-Tacs...

7. We find a car that may meet our needs...but we don't know for sure because NONE of the cars are marked with price or mileage.....

8. Salesman materializes like the scary little kid in Salem's Lot....

I am sure you know the rest....They are having some kind of one day sale...gotta unload a ton of cars....even if the lose $....When they finally take a breath you find out that the only car you like is either too much, has too many miles on it or both.


Then you try to leave....this is when the taser would have come in handy.

This is basically what happened in every dealership we checked out. There were a few highlights...like when one of the female salesmen pulled her card OUT OF HER BRA and handed it to Miss-D....you should have seen her face! I told her that she should have just started screaming...perhaps that might have gotten the $ down a little more...



Then there was the one guy who had a car I was totally interested in...but he refused to allow me to take it to my mechanic before purchase. Perhaps in his little world that was normal and there was a chance I would buy it anyway....yeah...and maybe later a monkey will fly outta my butt.



Still no car...still looking....

Born 1996 Died 2007

"Stutter...bump bump bump....stutter stutter, bump bump...."

What is that noise you ask...that would be my van. She made it for one last run to the school to pick up the FlyingMonkeys and then directly to my neighbor...who is also my mechanic.


Me: She is making this stutter noise...should I go get new plugs?


Him: Ahhhh, noooooo......see when you have antifreeze, oil and water coming up through this spot..


Me: Oh yeah...is that where you took the spark plug out?


Him: Yes...


Me: Crap, that can't be good....how about I go buy a new belt or something...what'ill that run me...


Him: Don't need a belt...


Me: How about some of that fancy name brand oil and antifreeze...yeah that would be good, and new plugs for good measure...new oil filter, air filter..


Him: Head gasket...


Me: I did not hear that...what about a new tire..I think I have enough for one of those..


Him: New gasket, really a new motor would be best...$1500 for a low mileage used motor + labor...


Me: LAAA LAAA LAAA LAAA LAAAA I AM NOT LISTENING TO YOU...I CAN NOT HEAR YOU LAAA LAAA LAAAA LAAAA


*In a movie this would be where TheGuy slapped me to stop my hysterical ranting*


So....I am looking for a "New To Me" used vehicle. I hate car shopping. Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate it.


I spent 3 days searching every car site on-line looking for something that fits our needs and budget. Then Saturday we piled into Rob's car at 8:30am and set off to "the big city" to look.


We got home around 5pm and I felt like I had been rode hard and put up wet. Even better...I am still looking.

To be continued.....

Exceeded Expectations

Everyone probably has at least one horror story about horrible customer service...sadly many of us (raises hand here) have enough of them that we have forgotten the true meaning of customer service. So let me remind you..

Customer Service Don'ts:

Do not tell a pregnant woman who has just survived a transatlantic flight with a 3yo, 2yo and a giant poo covered St. Bernard that since your airline screwed up that you will put them on a connecting flight to a city 3 hours from her intended destination and then rent her a van so that she can get home......and then not do it. Do NOT then shove them on a plane and then leave them abandoned in the Atlanta airport at midnight with one diaper left and no food....Cause if you did that...even 8+ years later she still might still be ticked and slightly bitter...Angry enough to (Northwest) mention (Northwest) your (Northwest) name....but she won't. Hint, she might not still be so torked had you at least apologized.

That is how it works..at least for me. If someone tells me about a horrible experience they had with a company generally speaking I will never use that company. Consider the "feedback" aspect of E-Bay...don't you feel a whole lot safer buying from someone with a good rating? Or how about a babysitter...would you ever consider using one that you knew nothing about...me thinks not.

Bitter (Northwest) aside (Northwest) I have been the recipient of some of the best customer service on earth lately. Even the little things like -the McDonalds in our city has NEVER gotten our order right...until now. I ordered, paid and before I could get to the 2nd window to pick up our food the manager was leaning out the window holding it smiling at me...and...drumroll...everything was correct...I was so happy.

But here is the winner of best customer service of the year....

Martingale & Company...my new best friends.

I was knee deep in the Christening Shawl(blanket) shown on the cover....when I hit a speed bump...

Y'all, making this blanket is a commitment...I had put lots of hours into it by this point and was very upset that the instructions did not make sense to me. I was just this side of flopping on the floor and throwing a screaming nutty.


Then I found their web site. I contacted them and within an hour I had a reply...a reply from a real live human being, promising help and hence talking me out of my tree. Soon, I had in my hot little hands a way to contact their technical advisor.....she too was wonderful. Both of these ladies were everything that I did not expect...funny, helpful, and kind (they looked over the fact that I sounded like a raving lunatic). The technical advisor was prepared to walk me through the issue I was having.

These ladies exceeded all of my expectations.

Now...in the picture of the blanket I am working on...if you look in the upper left hand corner you will see a little steel crochet hook. Do you see it? Have any idea where it might be now? When I picked up the blanket after taking the picture I heard it fall...and can not find it...I blame myself (Northwest).

Hot Mamas Know

Absolutely Bananas came up with this great idea! Real tips from real women...cool huh? For all the details on participation check out her site by clicking on the purty picture above...

And now...my tip:

Olive oil and sugar face scrub...

Right before your shower, in a small plastic (because this stuff is slippery..and so is whatever you end up putting it in...if I am going to drop it I would rather it be plastic...), mix about 1/4 granulated sugar and enough extra virgin olive oil to make a paste. In the shower...BEFORE you wash your hair or body (or you could end up looking like an extra from Grease), scoop out a nice glop of the stuff and use both hands to massage it into your face. Do this for about a minute and rinse.

I saw this on TV years ago. I seem to remember that the olive oil and the sugar have a mild chemical reaction that is beneficial to your skin...if only I could remember what... I can tell you that it will remove all of the dead skin and will leave your face smooth and pink.

Gotta get everyone up...the older two FlyingMonkeys AKA the non-quarantined, will be delivered to school as usual. Magnuts and I will then go straight to the doctor to see if we can find out why his chest seems insistent on producing the sound track for "Mucus-The Musical."

Wish us luck...

168 Hour Work Week

I got a call from the Census Bureau yesterday. The pleasant young lady let me know that she was training and that her supervisor would be listening in. I had indeed filled out the 5 thousand page 2.4 million questionnaire they sent me a few months ago....but they had a question or two...

After a few dozen questions confirming my identity they asked the doozie....

CB: Uh...we have a question concerning your employment information

Me: Shoot

CB: It says here that you work 168 hours a week for a company called..........ummmm....Reevesfarm Family Planning and Management.

Me: Yes

CB: Well....now....that would be a lot of hours, ummmm more than you can really work in a 7 day period. Did you calculate that on a monthly basis instead of a weekly basis?

Me: No, I work about 720 hours in an average month, a few more in December a few less in February.

****Note-this lady was really sweet and trying to be polite to the crazy lady who thinks she works every minute of the day...****

CB: Uh...well that would mean you work every minute of the day...when would you sleep?

Me: On average I get 7-8 hours of sleep a night....but I am always on call....at any moment I may be woken to attend to a business emergency.

CB: OK, well lets move along to your duties...."Provides the following services 24 hours a day: maid, chauffeur, chef, laundress, tutor, advocate, medical, coach, accountant, fashion consultant, decorator, party planner, police officer......"

She got pretty quiet at this point...and then...laughter. Not just her, but her female supervisor, they were both laughing their butts off.

CB: Sorry, this is great! We have never seen one like this before...Good for you!

Score one for the stay at home Moms....

Mystery Illness....

Unfortunately only 2/3 of the FlyingMonkeys are at school. Magnuts has gotten the "cough till you choke" crap AGAIN! For those keeping score that would be twice in less than 3 weeks.

Once I get the Delsym cough syrup in him he is fine...It is all I can do to keep him from running around the house.and as a bonus he has a temp. of 102. Funny thing about that temp is that he does not seem to have one during the day...but about 6pm it cranks right up and he thinks it is hilarious...a get out of jail/school card if you will.

It is so strange that I was just sure he was doing something to cause it...I had him lay in my bed, where I could keep an eye on him, and took it again 30 minutes later. It is for real.

MonkeyBoy brought home all of the work Magnuts missed yesterday...there were 19 sheets of work...front and back...it was horrible.

So....until about 3pm Magnuts is all happy...laid out on the sofa, sucking down diet Sprite and gorging on Cartoon Network....but when MonkeyBoy gets home with the tome that is Magnut's homework...his symptoms kick in. Then at 6ish...AKA bath time...he has a fever...What gives?

Cross your fingers for both of us....

Bite Me Big Book

I found this in the Toys-R-Us Big Book and was stunned:
Speed Stacks Glow in the Dark StackPack with DVD-$29.99

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I went to the web page to find out more information...there had to be more to this...nope. Essentially you get a set of plastic cups and a mat to stack them on that times you.

I was flummoxed...cup stacking, really? What a scam. Then I thought I would share this little joke with the kids....dumb...dumb...dumb..

I showed them the picture and immediately their little hands start flying around in a "stacking" motion. They are all, "Oh yeah Mom those are awesome....it is supposed to be so much fun....we would love some...." This only proves that just when you think you have a clue...your kids will be right there to prove that you don't...

Have you ever watched Eddie Murphy Raw? Do you remember the part where he was talking about wanting a McDonald's hamburger and his Mother made him a homemade one? Here is the clip:

That is exactly how the FlyingMonkeys must have felt at the end of our "speed stacking conversation," it went a little something like this:

Me: Why would I spend $30 for cups??? We have everything you need to do that already...

FM: Uh uh....

Me: Yeah huh...look I have 12 of these plastic "stacking cups" I got at Wal-Mart and they were only $3

FM: Ummmmm, well ok then. What about a timer so I can see how fast I can do it?

Me: Already got one...

FM: Really! Where?

Me: Right there...look-

FM: Wha! Huh? Mom! Our microwave won't "time" us it just counts down stuff...

Me: So...Set if for 10 minutes and get your Brother to hit stop when you are done stacking...then use some of this scrap paper to subtract the remaining time from 10 minutes and viola! A timer that will help you with your math skills!

***at this point I am hearing lots of grumbling and they are starting to look at me like Michael Richards doing stand-up at an elementary school***

FM: Um...we still need a stacking mat....

Me: Oh, we have one of those too...and it is not a stinky little one like in the Big Book. Ours is a competition quality surface that allows multi players!

FM: REALLY! AWESOME! Where is it?

Me: Right here-

I take a moment to rub in my "Big Book Victory" - I am all standing at the table stacking my imaginary cups with speed that looks like something out of the Matrix. I start with the sound effects, "cha cha cha cha cha clink" and yell "DONE." I look at my fake watch and announce my time-2.4 seconds...it's a new record.

Hey Toys-R-Us Big Book...I am winning!...HOW YA LIKE ME NOW!

Then MonkeyBoy points out, with a smug look on his face, "The one from the store comes with an instructional DVD..."

I led them into my office and with one click of the mouse pull the coup de grace onto my screen........http://speedstacks.com/howTo.php - that's right...a free, step by step tutorial on cup stacking!!!!!!!

~I win, I dance, I run back to our multi player competition quality stacking surface to beat my old record with my imaginary cups...I am flailing my arms wildly...picture Tom Cruise in Cocktail...I begin to sing..."Shake it, don't break it..it took yo mama 9 month's to make it..."

All of a sudden....it is dark. Pitch black dark....and I hear....

"Huh.....the ones from the store glow in the dark...."

Feel Good Story of the Day....

Saturday post...who would have thunk it...but I just read a news article and had to share.

Gabriel and Ieuan Jones are identical twins who are apparently inseparable. At the 25th week of gestation their mother was told that Gabriel, while have the size of his brother, had heart that was 3 times normal size and that he would surely die in the womb. They told the mother that if by some miracle Gabriel survived to term that he would not live.

Their primary concern was that if Gabriel died in the womb it could lead to life threatening issues for his twin. The mother had to make a horrible choice...to let the doctors operate to end one baby's life in hopes of saving the other.

During the first operation the doctors attempted to cut Gabriel's umbilical cord....attempted and failed. The cord was too strong for them to cut.

The tried again...this time they cut the placenta in half hoping that when Gabriel died it would allow his twin to survive.

Imagine their surprise the next day when little Gabriel was kicking up a storm...bet they were not as amazed as when they discovered a short time later that his enlarged heart began to reduce in size or that Gabriel himself began to increase in size!

They are now both healthy happy baby boys...their mother says that the bond between them is incredibly strong...that they are often holding hands and that if one cries the other reaches out to comfort him....

Amazing.....

Wanted: Toy Do's & Don'ts...also someone to tell me if I spelled "don'ts" right....

We just got the Toys-R-Us big book. I find it sorely lacking. They crammed so many toys in there they didn't have room to give you much information about each toy. I NEED MORE people! I am not going to plunk down that kind of jack for a toy that I know nothing about.

It occurred to me that I have a wonderful way to find out all kinds of REAL information about toys....you guys! I will pass along information I have garnered over the years and ask questions about toys the kids are clamoring for. Hopefully you will have answers, insights and questions of your own.

I am doing this in hopes of avoiding a $50 dud...like the remote control helicopter MonkeyBoy got a few years ago. It was, according to the label, age appropriate...we charged it for hours and on its maiden voyage it crash landed and that was the ball game. We might have gotten more use out of it had we flown it in a room filled with bubble wrap....

Perhaps you have insight that can help another parent avoid a gift don't.....two years ago Santa brought the boys these huge remote control Hummers....They were made to be driven on all kinds of terrain....however....with two boys, two competitive boys, racing against each other was not enough. They tried to run each other off the "road," they rammed the cars together...While well built and living up to every claim in the ads...they were not designed for kids who want to crash them into things.

Cotton Candy maker...lets just say ...gift don't...and fire extinguisher do.

So what toys are your kids asking for that you need more info about? Commenters please feel free to answer other commenters questions...that is what this is all about!

So my questions this week:

Wii- we have a PS2 and an eyetoy...would the Wii be redundant? If you have one why do you love/hate it?

Children's Digital Camera-I am talking about one for a 4 year old...something with a decent sized "pre-view" screen...any ideas?

Fly Pen-seems cool but does having to have spend the money for the special paper and software make it not worth it?

Have a good weekend!

Snail Mail....

I am sure I have seemed a tad grumpy lately....there is a good reason. Well it is a good reason to me.

I LOVE the FlyingMonkey's pediatrician...she is awesome. But for the last two months we have had issues getting their meds refilled. 2/3 of them are taking medication for their ADD/ADHD. This medicine can not be "called in." You must have a physical prescription in hand to get a refill. Their Dr. is an hour away and so each month I call the office to let them know I need a refill and they mail the prescription to me in one of the self-addressed stamped envelopes I provided.

Last month, for convenience I used a pharmacy I had never been to before. Long story short...it was a two day ordeal that culminated in the Pharmacist announcing to everyone in the store, including Miss-D that I was trying to pass fake prescriptions. I tried to defend myself, saying that there had to be some kind of misunderstanding...he just kept saying that he would not be filling my fake prescription...people were staring.

I was mortified, snatched the prescription away from the guy, went to Wal-Mart and had it filled and was on my way in less than 30.

Turns out that the Dr. was using new prescription writing software and the DEA number "may" be off my one numeral. That is what the pediatrician's office told me anyway. Even if that is true it does not excuse the Pharmacist's behavior...and I told the Corporate Office and the Board of Directors so in a strongly worded e-mail. They contacted me within 12 hours of me sending the e-mail and were very apologetic....even though, in their words- "I would love to explain how this could happen, but it is inexcusable..."

So now it is a month later. I called last Wednesday for their refill. It is now Thursday and still no prescription. Usually I call it in, it is mailed the next day, and I get it the day after that. We are now out of medicine. Completely out. For some reason I usually wait until the last minute to call in the refill...it has come down to the wire before....but we have never just been OUT. I was so proud that I remembered to do it "early"....the prescriptions should have overlapped by about 4-5 days.

Without their medicine they have to be watched more closely. They will accidentally throw their plates or silverware in the garbage can instead of just scraping them. One of them has been known to put their pants on backwards. I have to make sure that we have everything we need before leaving for school, and then check again when I drop them off to make sure they didn't leave anything in the car. I had to point out that while it was a good thing that one of them already had their shoes on....it would make putting on the socks they were holding tricky.

It is not fair to them. Had the two in question not already missed several days of school in the last 3 weeks because they were sick...I would have kept them home. I did send a note to the teacher explaining the situation and asking for understanding.

The mail gets here at 1pm....today will be 8 days since I requested a refill....keep your fingers crossed.