Football Pads and Therapy

Last year both of my sons played football for the first time, tackle football. We went several days before the first practice and picked up all of the pads. I was a little mystified by the sheer volume of stuff I was going to have to shove into their little pants.

**The fact that I am now able to label the above photo shows what a long way I have come....last year I was wondering why he needed two "cups" and why they were so soft - see knee pads...**

That was before I bought the actual pants and saw the 8 billion little pockets and hidey holes.

Getting those pads in and out of the pockets so that I could wash their disgusting sweaty stinky practice pants was sheer hell. I literally had to do it with my door closed and the TV volume all the way up...It was the only way to shield their little eyes and ears from the site of their mother, soaked in sweat wrestling the pads in/out of the sadistically small pockets while she cursed the pants, pads, coach, heat, maker of said pads, maker of said pants....I even considered washing the effing pants with the pads in, until I was told by a sanctimonious (not the one who washes and replaces the pads) father that it would damage "the integrity of the pads." Well screw my integrity, but you better not mess with the pads.

Anyway, because I procrastinated I ended up having to put the pads in by myself for the first practice. Did you read the part above where I thought the knee pads were some kind of soft "cup"? We got to the field and I realized that the thigh pads were in backwards-- instead of cupping the leg they were cupping the air. We were gonna have to reposition-and it went a little something like this:

Me sitting on bleacher -hands down boy's pants attempting to wrestle thigh pads into submission:

Me- "Be STILL this won't take a minute" (which we both knew was a damn lie)

Boy - " MOM!!! They will see my underpants!"

Me - "Be stilllllllllll"

Boy - "OOWWWWWW! THAT WAS MY WEE WEE!"

****crickets chirping parents turning to look****

Me- *grinning in my best "nothing to see here!" fashion* "Beeeeeeeee stilll I am almost...."

Boy - "OWWWWW!

Me -"Screw it."

I had waited until we got to the field before doing the snap pads...how hard could it be?

Got it done with no cursing and even better -did not look like some pervert. I was in the zone baby! I don't need no stinkin' man to help me! Notice the coverage the pads provide the lower part of the spine and ribs....

The boys ran onto the field and practice began. It was going so well, until the coach noticed that the boys were moving a little funny and that their jerseys were poking out in odd places. Magnuts kinda looked like the had a tail....He called them to the middle of the field for closer inspection.....apparently the "snappy pads" go like this:

I had them upside down.

All this aside...they have knee pads, thigh pads, hip pads, tailbone pads, shoulder pads, helmet pads, chin guards, mouth guards....a pad for every part-but their genitals....Who decided it was more important to have a butt crack pad than a cup?

In 20 years when the boys are grown and suddenly stop repressing the memory of "the repositioning", I am sure to be called to explain to a therapist why it was that I had my hands down their pants at football practice. Cross your fingers that the therapist is a woman who once had to wrestle pads into football pants herself......