W.O.M.B.S.

Dear Reevesfarm,

We are concerned about the number of posts in which you make fun of your children. Sometimes you even seem mean spirited. Have you forgotten that children are a gift from God?


We would really like to see more posts about how wonderful it is to be a mother. About how your children are the best thing that ever happened to you and about how incredibly special they are.

Sincerely,

WOMBS

(Writers Of Mushy Baby Stories)

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Dear WOMBS,

Sorry you are so sensitive.....put on your big girl panties and get over it.

Sincerely,

Reevesfarm

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The group WOMBS is entirely fictional, any similarity to groups living or dead is purely coincidental....

Babies Babies Babies....

I found out recently that several people in my family are going to have babies!!!!! In celebration that I am not one of them I have learned a new trick...crochet.

This little pink sweater was my first project...I love the little scalloped edges. It should fit a 3-6 month old baby. Maybe I will get lucky and someone will have a girl.


This is my first crocheted baby blanket. 100% cotton and about 35 X 35.

Rob thinks this blanket is beautiful but he is less than thrilled about my new hobby. It annoys the living crap out of him when I make something just to make it...When he sees me working on something new he immediately wants to know who it is for. Now I have babies to make stuff for!!!!!!!!!

I have also pointed out that crochet is much safer; he gets a tad nervous when he is driving and I am using 5 tiny double pointed needles in the passenger seat. A crochet hook is benign in comparison.

I am working on a new blanket, it is pretty complex and I went on-line to find the specific yarn the patteren specified. Un-dyed 2 ply silk.......it is $25 per 1oo grams and I need 350 grams...If any of you know a place to get a good deal on yarn please let me know. I am working it in cotton right now but would love to try it in silk...just to see how it would feel.

Have a great Thursday!

Headaches and syrup....

Several mornings ago I woke up feeling fine; but about 9ish I noticed the beginning of a headache that developed into something that put me in the bed and had me begging for mercy.


While laying still and praying that I would be better by 3pm I was trying to figure out what would be the easiest thing to make for dinner. Waffles from the freezer, microwave bacon and cheese grits....The only problem with this was not that there wasn't a veggie in site but that we were out of syrup.

By 3 I did feel better and headed off to pick up the kids. Those of you who know me will agree that I am not a Fashionista....but I was looking rough even for me-paint stained red shorts, skanky blue t-shirt with a little hole under the arm, hot pink Crocs, headache hair and of course...no bra. So after I picked up the kids I sent MonkeyBoy into the gas/grocery store next to their school with a $10 and instructions to get a bottle of syrup. I told him, "Do not buy it if it is clear or yellow...we need the maple pancake kind not corn syrup."

3:05 he entered the store......

3:20 I sent Miss-D in to check on him......

3:30 Both of them were still in the store, apparently "check on him" in pre-teen means go lay your eyes on him and then chit-chat with your friends....

****Just to clarify-I was parked in front of the door. There was never any question that they were inside and safe*****

At 3:35 just as my patience had run out and I was considering going in even though I was dressed like a color blind schizophrenic escapee from Cops, the kids came out of the store with a big bag of stuff.

MonkeyBoy cracked open his bag and started handing out bottles of coke..(down here "coke" means pop, soda, cola..). He had a drink for himself and his brother and sister...then he handed me a bottle.....OF YELLOW CORN SYRUP!!!!!!!!!!

I am ashamed to say that I almost completely and totally lost my mind. "DOES THIS LOOK LIKE WHAT WE EAT ON PANCAKES???? WHAT COLOR IS THIS????? DID YOU NOT NOTICE THE BISCUITS ON THE LABEL???IF YOU ARE SPENDING MY MONEY WHY DID EVERYONE GET A DRINK BUT ME????

*breath......breath.......breath....count to 10, lather, rinse repeat....*

"MonkeyBoy....I want you to take the change, go back in, get a container of jelly and a Diet Drink for me. Do not screw around this time... please. We have already been here 30+ minutes and my head is starting to hurt again."

3:40 MonkeyBoy re-entered the store

3:45 My head was beginning to pound again and I was kicking my own arse for letting him go back in....

3:50 Considered sending Miss-D in after him...remembered that it didn't go well the first time....

3:55 MonkeyBoy emerged from the store with........a diet pepsi...they didn't have jelly...

So for those of you who have forgotten.....We only stopped at the store because we needed something to put on our waffles. In the almost 1 hour period we waited at the stinkin store we ended up with 4 drinks we didn't need (we were 6 miles from our house) and a yucko bottle of corn syrup.

I tell this story because the kids used the last of the milk this morning for breakfast. I am typing this wearing nice tan shorts, a clean unstained t-shirt and .....a bra. I will be running in the store after I drop them off.....lesson learned.

Bad Guys...

When Magnuts was in 4yo preschool we realized that he was going to be an EXTREMELY imaginative child. When we asked him how his day had been we got some variation of this:

Magnuts-We colored and had our snack then I made the big poo poo. After that we went outside to play.....and then.......the bad guys showed up.

At this point, to show us how he defeated the BadGuys and saved Miss Holly, he would break out into his various "moves." His moves included karate learned at the Dojo of Scooby Doo and a few moves he picked up from MonkeyBoy (who started his self defense education at the same Dojo but had progressed to a black belt in Pokemon).

The BadGuys always came to his little preschool and he always defeated them. The only close call was the time they came a little early and surprised him while he was making the big poo poo. I am not going into how he won that fight.

A few months ago Magnuts and his Dad found themselves driving by his old preschool. Rob got tickled thinking about the BadGuys and had this conversation with Magnuts:

Rob-Hey, you remember when you went there and the BadGuys came everyday and you fought them off?

Magnuts-Yeah...

Rob-*snort* Well what do you think they do now that you are gone...how do they take care of the BadGuys?

Magnuts-Houston fights them.

Rob- Houston is your age, he was in your grade. Do you really think he is 8 years old and still in preschool????

Magnuts-He wasn't very smart.

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Rob almost ran off the road.

Elfie...

My wonderful Mother gave the kids one of these 2 years ago:

Y'all ever hear of these things? They are Santa's elves who live with you during the Christmas season. They are in your house during the day and disappear to the North Pole to help out Santa every night. On Christmas Eve they leave with Santa and do not return until the next December.

We are not the only people with this little house guest. The kids hear from their friends how the elves get into all kinds of things at night. One friend knew the elf was real because it left little pointy footprints in the flour that was spilled all over the kitchen.

The elves are never in the same place you left them when you went to bed. So....this is like tooth fairy duty (he he he...duty....can't even type that word without laughing) every night for a month...stay awake and make sure Elfie is hiding in a new spot.

I decided that making sure Elfie was getting home from the North Pole every night was enough. I was not going to compound it by "allowing" him do his worst in my kitchen. Then it came to me....like a light shining from the heavens....

Miss-D-Mom what happened to the last piece of chocolate cake??!!??!?!

Me-Donno have y'all found that sneaky elf yet?

MonkeyBoy-MOM!!! Why is Elfie in the freezer and what happened to all of the ice cream sandwiches?!?!?

Y'all get where I am going.......This year I suspect Elfie might get the last sausage balls and take a good swipe at the chocolate covered cherries. If the FlyingMonkeys are not behaving he might even get into their stuff...

Magnuts-MOM Elfie threw my Pokemon cards all over my room!!!!

Muwahhhh haaaa haaaa haaaa!

Too Soon?

I know it is only September but is it too early to start playing the "Santa Card"?

Can I say, for example, "Magnuts if you kick MonkeyBoy in the leg ONE more time Santa is going to erase your name from his list!!!!"

or

"Miss-D it makes Santa cry why you torture your brothers."

I can't do the "Don't make me call Santa" bit anymore because they figured out *69 and would bust me in a second-"Mom, since when does Santa live at Grandma's house???"

So what now??

Would it be wrong to tell them that the very same Santa that made the monster under their bed disappear can put it back. That the monster has been in North Pole Jail all of this time and everyone knows that just makes them meaner and bigger.....No, clearly that would be wrong.

How about telling them that the magic of the Reindeer comes from well behaved children. That their recent behavior has Dancer on life support and Santa is not sure he is going to make it.....nope, still wrong.

I love the Santa card, I just need to figure out how to modify it without scaring them for life.....

Nurse....

In first grade Magnuts loved the school nurse. He went to see her at least 3 times a week. She loved him too and would often call me to tell me of his latest complaint while trying not to burst out laughing. My all time favorite would be the time that he went to the nurse because, and I quote the snickering nurse, "he was starving to death." How do you cure a dire illness like that??? Fruit snacks.

Now before I go on I need to clarify. He did not hate school or have problems with the other kids. He just loved the nurse and her fruit snacks.

That same year MonkeyBoy broke his wrist on the playground. A boy kicked a ball to him and it caused a buckle fracture. It did not swell or turn blue it was just very tender. He went to the nurse and she told him he was ok, just to be careful with it. He came home and I told him that it didn't look broken (cause I have X-ray eyes dontcha know). The next day it was still very sore so I took him to the Dr. just to make sure he was ok. When we picked up Magnuts and Miss-D that afternoon MonkeyBoy was sporting a bright shiny new cast.


The next day at school Magnuts hopped into the nurse's office. He told her that his leg (the one he was jumping on) was definitely broken. She had him sit down and checked him out...he made all the right groaning noises and winced appropriately. She told him that she was sure it was not broken and that he would be just fine. He asked her to call me. When she asked why he told her, "Well you didn't think MonkeyBoy's arm was broken either."


I am so glad the nurse loved him AND had a sense of humor......

On the sidelines....

I got to have an experience this past weekend that I would wager most women will never have. I was allowed to be on the sidelines for Magnut's football game so that I could get some pictures!!!!!!

Here is what I thought went on on the sidelines before I experienced it Saturday:

after a good play-

Coach: Hey boy, good job!

Player: Gee thanks Coach-I really love playing football and learning all about team work!

after a miss-

Coach: That's ok son, you'll get them next time.

Player: Thanks coach, sorry I missed that block I am gonna try harder.

after an injury-

Coach: Ok son, don't move...someone is going to get you some ice..I know you stubbed your toe on the bench but you can never be too careful...would you like some ice cream?

Player: I'm ok coach...do you have any chocolate?



After Saturday on the sidelines:



After a good play-

Coach: YAAAAAAHHHHHHH BOY IT TOOK 6 OF THEM TO BRING YOU DOWN!!!!!! 6 OF THEM!!!!!!!

Player: *beaming with a wedge of grass sticking out of the side of his helmet* Yeah!!!!



After a miss-

Coach: HOW COULD YOU NOT SEE THAT!!!! HE WAS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU-

Player: I have a frog in my pants-do we have any popsicles?

Coach: *beats his own head against his clip board*



After an injury-

Coach: It's alright, rub some dirt on it...

Player: I am not gonna make it....I think I am gonna die....

Coach: You stubbed your toe on the bench...shake it off.

Player: *flopping on the ground* oohhhhhhhh....it's getting darker.....it's so cold.....

Coach: Boy, get up before someone trips over you.

Player: I see a bright light.....

Coach: *resumes beating own head with clip board*




I was a stranger in a strange land......but it sure was funny!

Smiley faces from hell

My aunt had this enormous printer/scanner/copier. One of those high tech things that does everything but actually print, scan or copy without you standing on your head singing a song to the "printer gods." She went out and bought a little easy to use printer to use in addition to the other one. She got everything set up and started printing a document. The new little printer worked like a charm. It was zmmmp zmmmp zmmmping out the pages when she saw a flash of light from the corner of her eye. Then she noticed the sound hwaaawommmm hwaaawommmmm-the other printer, the monster, was printing. She walked over to turn it off as the page finished printing....it was not the document. It was this:




I would have wet my pants! Every time she used the new printer the old one would spit out the frowny face!!!!!! I would have ripped that thing out of the wall and thrown it out the window.

I have long contended that printers are actually gateways to hell. Finding one that is not a total pain in the arse to use is a challenge. Finding one that rebukes you for using a new one is just further proof of my gateway theory.

One good smack....

My Mom and I have a great relationship....sick sometimes, but great. We share the same sense of humor and the tendency to laugh at totally inappropriate things. For example....

Years ago we were in the boat house pulling up a boat. We had an older "hand crank" wench that looked a bit like this:



I was on the end of the boat house with the crank and Mom was standing behind me. Dad was on the other end fiddling with the rope that connected the other end of the boat to the wench. I am unclear on all of the details but for some reason I was leaning very close to the crank when my Dad yanked the rope...that crank whacked me in the back of the head like a sledgehammer. I teetered towards the water then tottered towards the pier....The only thing that is really clear is my Mom ROLLING ON THE FRICKIN FLOOR LAUGHING HER ARSE OFF. Sure, seeing your child brained is funny...but for the love could yah give a girl a hand before she plunges into the lake...maybe have your little laugh fest after you make sure that I can speak coherently at the very least ask me how many fingers you are holding up?!?!?! (BTW if you are only gonna hold up one finger could you not use the middle one!?!?)

Are y'all outraged at this horrible behavior?????? Well......don't be....It took about 5 years but I accidentally returned the favor.

We were at an Auburn game and Mom was helping me unload my van. We had to park it a long way from the RV so it was really nice to have some help. We got everything out of the trunk and I shut it....on the top of her head.... I didn't just shut it, I am short so in order to reach the top of the trunk to pull in back down I have to jump. Often I let the weight of my coming back to earth help slam the thing into place. Owch........Wack-a-mom...I beaned her. She teetered towards the street she tottered towards a tree....I tried to help her but every time I opened my mouth out came totally inappropriate hysterical laughter.....


She still will not get near the back of my van....and the boat house? Well Dad burned that down years ago.....