Am I Blue...

2:00am-

Wake up with full bladder. Upon standing need becomes exponentially worse and I shuffle/stumble through the dark; knees pressed firmly together.

Arrive at bathroom door, teeth gritted. Grab elastic waist band of PJs with both hands and shove them down as I waddle last 2 feet to the toilet.

**to explain what happened next I need to tell you about watching the Life Flight helicopters land at the hospital. If the patient aboard was stable the helicopter took its time, circled the pad and came straight down, nice and slow right to the middle spot. If the patient was not doing well the helicopter came screaming in at what seemed an impossible angle, no time for the nice little circle and soft landing.**

I was inches away from the toilet and urgency dictated the the "screaming angle" method of landing. I hit the seat....and then the seat and I slid off the toilet and into the tile wall. I tried to get my feet under me so that I would not fall to the floor. The shoving down of the pants while waddling apparently turned my PJs into one of these:

My knees were bound together. I was able to get my hands in front of me and thus avoided cracking my skull on the tile lip of the shower.

I just lay there in the dark for a moment. So grateful that I would not be found dead..bare arse in the air. Then the original reason for this little ballet of death came back to me with a vengeance. I flipped and I flopped...finally I was up. I grabbed the towel bar and lowered myself to do my business....when.....I noticed the toilet seemed lower than usual. Before my fuzzy brain registered that thing on the floor was the actual seat I had let go of the towel bar and was now wedged into a bowl of icy cold blue water.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to get any kind of leverage when your knees are still trussed together by your PJs?

Obviously I was able to remove myself....and because I have already told you more than you probably wanted to know I will end on a positive note... Tidy Bowl will not turn your arse blue.