It's Alive!

Yes it is, or rather, I am. I have a wonderful holiday colored sinus infection and the kids have been out of school for 9 days. It is kind of like the longest car ride ever...but instead of "How much farther is it?" I am hearing "How many more days till Christmas?" They have been out of school so long that they have lost the ability to determine which day of the week it is much less the calendar date.




On an aside....have y'all seen this:

It is the "Electric Shocking Duel" and is exactly what it sounds like. Each player grabs a joystick and the fun begins. The first round delivers a mild shock and if both players manage to retain their grip round 2 begins. With each round the intensity of the shock increases. The player to hold on the longest wins. I want one.

These next few days are my favorite of the year and I am enjoying every minute. Tonight we will be at my parent's house...good food will be eaten, a fire will be burning and we will all enjoy being together. I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and I will be back soon!

Christmas Tan

Ohhhh...the weather outside is frightful...this heat is not delightful
So if you were wanting snow...the answer's no,no, no, no, no, no no....

Seriously, July called it wants its weather back.

Cookies and Good Friends....

Margaret is too nice. I have been almost totally absent from blog life in the last few weeks and she still loves me....lookit:

Right back at you Margaret and thanks even though I totally do not deserve it.

Today I am attempting a half-double Lindy with a triple twist...AKA finishing my Christmas shopping. What a relief it will be...or should be...now I just get to twist in the wind hoping that all of the deliveries arrive before the 24th. I am a huge fan of "a bird in the hand" but some of the items I wanted were only available on-line.

In other news...Magnut's teacher called me last night. She was going to send a note home yesterday but says that she was so sick that she had to leave school to go to the doctor. She says she thinks it is something like pneumonia....but will be at school this week anyway...Oi.

She was calling about the 3rd grade Christmas party. She wants me to bring something baked...like cookies or brownies...not one of the weird guys that hang out behind the city park. So I am thinking that baked does not necessarily imply that they were made in my kitchen....then she pointed out that there are 19 kids in Magnut's class. Still not worried...Wal-Mart makes big arse boxes of Christmas cookies. It was the the next bit..."Why don't you pick a Christmas treat that is special to Magnuts...something you could make together..." Shite. Think she would believe that Magnuts is partial to Sam's Club Fudge Brownies? That the sound of the plastic container opening evokes strong memories from Christmas past......

Culling the nuts...

MonkeyBoy was busy copying homework from the board when his teacher began to speak:

"The word of the day is simian."

Only she pronounced it SIM-MAYAN

MonkeyBoy choked, excused himself, and checked his dictionary to make sure that there was not some secondary accepted pronunciation that he was unaware of. There was not. She repeated the word all through the day...MonkeyBoy almost wet himself.

Culling the nuts...a term our school system should really familiarize themselves with...

Not That There Is Anything Wrong With That...

Last night during dinner MonkeyBoy was telling us about his nemesis' latest ploy. His nemesis is a cute little girl in his class who is always giving him the business. Yesterday in class she announced that MonkeyBoy and his best friend are gay; not that there is anything wrong with that. She said that because they always want to sit next to each other they must be in love. Reminds me of when we used to say "well if you like them so much why don't you just marry them..."

MonkeyBoy is convinced that she is in love with him....I asked him what evidence he had to back up this little theory. This was met with eye rolling and these words "Mom, girls are always mean to the boys they like....don't you ever watch cartoons anymore..."

Oi.

Wednesday...

Blogger was not being nice yesterday so I could not post when I had the chance.

I have a huge case of Christmas fever and am really behind on all my blog stuff...especially reading and commenting on the 1 billion sitting in Google reader....

I am trying to get my non-virtual chores done before I dive into that pool..

Back soon...I only have 8 days left to shop while the FlyingMonkeys are still in school....

My Christmas Present to You

Y'all are NOT going to believe what I got my hot little hands on! This weekend we had to go back to the dealership to re-sign some stuff and to finally get Rob's car detailed. Instead of sitting around for the 2+ hours it would have taken they gave us a "dealer" car to take to lunch.

I noticed a piece of paper sticking out from under my seat and was stunned to discover it was an internal dealership memo. A memo that details the way that they want the salesman to screw you on your trade in!!!!!!

It is one thing to suspect they are messing with you, it is another entirely to see their methods detailed on paper. So...if you are planning to trade in a vehicle make sure you read this first. Pay special attention to the 2nd to last statement on the second page.

***I typed these two pages EXACTLY as they were printed....so the grammatical errors below are for once not mine***
{PAGE 1}
TRADE EVALUATION PROCESS

1) PRAISE THE TRADE UP UNTIL PAPERWORK STARTS
00A) CREATES ANTICIPATION OF GOOD DEAL FOR CUSTOMER
ooB) BUILDS REPORT WITH CUSTOMER
ooC) IF YOU LIKE THE CUSTOMER'S CAR THEY WILL LIKE YOU

2) DO SILENT WALKAROUND WITH CUSTOMER
ooA) DEVALUES TRADE IN CUSTOMER MIND
ooB) ALLOWS TIME TO GATHER EXTRA INFO ABOUT TRADE AND CUSTOMER
ooC) KEEPS CUSTOMER INVOLVED IN SALE

3) COMPLETE ENTIRE FORM
ooA) USE CLIP BOARD
ooB) WRITE LEGIBLY
ooC) WRITE DOWN TAG INFO
ooD) ASK CUSTOMER RATE TRADE

{PAGE 2}
CUSTOMER TRADE IN EVALUATION SURVEY

Get a clip board and get a trade in evaluation form. Never do without a clipboard.

Salesperson walks around the trade-in with customer.

SP: "Let me see the keys to the car you are selling us, my manager wants me to ask you a couple of questions about the care and maintenance of your vehicle."

Sales person touches every door ding, crack on the windshield, faded paint, bald tires and body damage. Open the trunk and look at the spare and jack.

Write the problems all over the evaluation.

You need to ask the customer all of the questions on this form.

Even if their ashtray is filled with cigarette butts still ask them if anyone has ever smoked in their vehicle.

"Did you buy this vehicle with the Alabama Environmental Protection Package?"

Get estimated payoff initially and then call and get a exact payoff from the lender when it is available.

After you ask all of the questions ask the customer "On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your vehicle 1 being it does not run and 10 being brand new." If the customer says it is an 8 ask them "are you sure?" with some doubt in your voice. You always want them to rate their car a 7 or less.

Remember: You are trying to devalue their car without telling them that their car is worthless.

Some car salesman out there might read this and be hacked off...sorry, I have never bought a car that I felt like I paid too little for. So consider this a public service...if this little post can keep just one person's trade in rated at an 8 then I feel like it was all worth it.

Knowledge is power...yada yada yada....

Brought to you by the number 36....

Something happened yesterday that made me laugh until I thought I would cry. It is probably something that I should be embarrassed about and I am not sure that a normal person would share it with others...but then in my 36 years of life I have never been accused of being "normal."

Yesterday afternoon after I had thrown dinner in the oven I decided to get a quick shower. The hot water felt so good and was so relaxing that I leaned forward against the shower wall and just stood their enjoying it. Eventually I realized that the chicken could actually catch fire if I didn't get my lazy tail out of the shower...so I peeled myself off of the shower wall....

Everyone has heard of people seeing the image of the Virgin Mary in toast or Elvis in a potato chip....when I pulled away from the shower wall this is what I saw:

Look familiar?

That's right folks...Elmo. The 3BabyBelly and the GeneticallyGiantBoobies left a perfect Elmo on the shower wall....I laughed until I cried...

For your protection in past blogs I have hinted about my dear husband's saucy comments and never really written them verbatim...but this one...I had to.

When I told Rob about my "shower Elmo" he said..."If I had done that, we could say that this blog is brought to you by the letter Q."

Dance Dance Dance....

I need to clear up something from yesterday...I did not make that pizza. It was something I found on Fark a while back. While I am all about overkill, even when it relates to food, this even crosses my little imaginary line.

That said....

My friend Katfish sent me this little clip and I laughed my tail off...enjoy:

Die Hard...fur sure dude...

I have been recovering from last week. I could spend a week telling you about everything that happened but right now I just wanna talk about something else. Thanks for all the e-mails....as you can see I am alive. And now on to funnier business.....

Rob and I had the opportunity to watch Live Free or Die Hard 4. It was, in it's own way, amazing. I tried to think of a way to describe this movie to you and the best way that I could come up with was an analogy. Y'all remember those from standardized testing..foot is to sock as hand is to _______.....

Well it is like this....Die Hard 4 is to an action movie as....

The Following is to Junk Food:

Yes, that is a pizza with McDonald's as a topping...extreme junk food. If you have seen Die Hard 4 this comparison will make total sense to you. It was almost as if the director had a list of stats about the number of explosions, fires, and gun shots for every other film ever made and then decided to double the number for this movie.

So, if you are all about the flash boom bang...this is the show for you.

Feed The Beast...

A few details I didn't share yesterday....The wreck was all my fault. I taunted the "Comes Back To Bite You In The Arse" beast...twice.

It all started about 5 months ago when we bought Rob’s new car. I believe I have illustrated my issues when it comes to buying a car…and that was a used car…with a new car everything is exponentially worse.

Picture if you will the mighty lioness, shaking prey in her powerful jaws until it is dead. It’s like that but with a 5 foot tall, fluffy mother of 3 instead of the lioness…and she is gripping the “prey” a good deal lower than their neck…and only “shakes” them until the salesman agrees to her terms/conditions. Once the salesman is on the same page as the “lioness” he is released…until the lioness realizes that there are no floor mats in the new car…

While the salesman licks his wounds the lioness gloats over her new floor mats, free tank of gas and the beautiful detailing job that had been done on the car….

This is not even the part where I poked the Beast….it came in the details. We were sitting with the finance guy finalizing the paper work when it happened…

FG: Ok…ummmmm….just a sec, I know the paper is right here somewhere (hard to flip through a thousand pages of paperwork when one of your hands is under the desk protecting your “crotchal area.”)

FG: Ok…here is the extended warranty…

Me: No.

FG: Alrighty…um…ah..ok..this is the form for Gap Insurance…a very valuable thing if you ever total the car…

Me: Do you see the word “sucker” written on my forehead?

Y’all, I know I have a problem…I do. I am one of those people that has trouble telling others “no.” I even have trouble expressing myself when I feel like I am being screwed around…unless it involves the purchase of a car. Something about that brings out the VERY worst in me.

So I poked the Beast a few months ago…it was nothing compared to what I did last Wednesday.

I was sitting in my Insurance Agent’s Office discussing my “new” car when these words came out of my mouth:

"What the hell, neither of us have had a ticket or an accident in the 13.5 years we have been married...raise that deductable...that extra $40 a month will make all the difference...."

Yes. I. Did.

Moral of the story:
Poke the Beast…hit a horse.

On a funny side note…Yesterday while Rob was on the phone with one of the 4 million people you have to talk to after an accident like that, our caller ID beeped. The display on the phone said, “Unavailable” and Rob clicked over. The conversation went a little something like this:

Caller: Yes, this is the Montgomery chapter of PETA and we are calling regarding a report of equine abuse.

Rob: Huh?

Caller: We were informed that early this morning you struck and killed a horse.

Rob: ….

Caller: Our information says that you hit the horse causing it to land on your hood, roll over your roof and then off the trunk into the highway. It further states that you then put your car in reverse and backed over it, put your car back in drive and ran over it again…

Rob: IS THIS FOR REAL??????

Caller: I assure you Sir that we take claims of animal abuse very seriously..

Rob: OK..WHO IS THIS???

It was my brother…and it was a good one….

(Just so you know…Rob only hit the horse once…and there was nothing he could do to avoid it…)

Hope you all have a wonderful and SAFE Thanksgiving!

Horse 1 - Hyundai 0

Nothing gets your heart to racing like a pre-dawn phone call...I got one at 5:20 this morning...never a good sign.

It was Rob and he was OK, but had been in an accident. In the state of Alabama during hunting season lots of people hit deer...leave it to one of us to smack right into a 2000 lb horse. It was pitch black dark and there were two horses that had apparently gotten loose...Rob had no chance to miss it.

It hit the front of the car, rolled up the hood, over the windshield, across the roof, down the rear windshield, and off the trunk. It did not cause the air bags to deploy and if he had not been wearing a seatbelt things would have turned out very differently.

His hands are scratched up but that was his only injury...an early Thanksgiving Blessing....

The One Where Everyone But Me Is Sick...

knock on wood.

Thanks for all the kind words yesterday. At lunch I had to run back to the school to pick up MonkeyBoy. He had a fever and a tonsil that looks nasty.

At 3 I picked up Miss-D, she too was complaining of a sore throat. In an abundance of caution I will be driving the entire family to the doctor this morning. Rapid strep tests for the two with sore throats and staff swabs for culture for the rest.

Cross your fingers....

Reality Check

I finally got a car....what seems to be the perfect car. The salesman seemed to lived a little farther down "shady street" that I had hoped...but we managed to close the deal with out coming to blows. I was stunned to find it even had 20000+miles still left on the warranty.

So around lunch time yesterday I had completed the deal and was still amazed at how lucky I had been to find this car. As you can see I was so giddy that I took pictures....finally I graduate from the minivan...I was doing the happy dance in the middle of the yard.

A few hours later, right after I picked up the FlyingMonkeys from school, the phone rang. It was the doctor's office that had seen Magnuts Friday. When they had tested him for strep throat they had also gotten a sample of the phlegm that he was just about drowning in. They cultured it...it came back positive for MRSA Staff. The antibiotic the doctor had prescribed was not effective against it and he would need something new. Well big duh. I knew Sunday that the crap the other doc had prescribed wasn't working so I called my Dad. My Dad called in something much stronger and Magnuts was noticeably better by Monday...as a matter of fact Monday was the first day in the last 9 that Magnuts did not run a fever.


Turns out what Dad called in was on the list of drugs the staff was sensitive too...yeah Dad!

So there I was feeling so grateful and blessed that I had found reliable transportation...I was so excited not to be driving the Mom Van...then at 3:30pm one phone call from the doctor's office snapped my arse right back to earth...with my real priorities in order and my true blessings counted.

The One Where I Should Have Carried A Taser....

As I mentioned we spent all day Saturday car shopping with the FlyingMonkeys.

I had research, I basically knew what I wanted and about how much it should cost. I even had financing already in place...should be easy huh? Not so much.


Here is how we started....


1. Pull into a dealership.

2. 5 feet into the lot salesmen begin zeroing in on us like short, pudgy, heat seeking polyester missiles.

3. I warn kids again not to make eye contact with them....

4. Maniacal salesmen have roped off used car section forcing us to park and walk if we want to check them out.

5. We rush from the car and head deep into the lot....they still follow, always staying a few cars behind...kind of like a police tail in a movie.

6. They get closer and closer...we know this not because we see them...but their unmistakable odor....Drakkar and Tic-Tacs...

7. We find a car that may meet our needs...but we don't know for sure because NONE of the cars are marked with price or mileage.....

8. Salesman materializes like the scary little kid in Salem's Lot....

I am sure you know the rest....They are having some kind of one day sale...gotta unload a ton of cars....even if the lose $....When they finally take a breath you find out that the only car you like is either too much, has too many miles on it or both.


Then you try to leave....this is when the taser would have come in handy.

This is basically what happened in every dealership we checked out. There were a few highlights...like when one of the female salesmen pulled her card OUT OF HER BRA and handed it to Miss-D....you should have seen her face! I told her that she should have just started screaming...perhaps that might have gotten the $ down a little more...



Then there was the one guy who had a car I was totally interested in...but he refused to allow me to take it to my mechanic before purchase. Perhaps in his little world that was normal and there was a chance I would buy it anyway....yeah...and maybe later a monkey will fly outta my butt.



Still no car...still looking....

Born 1996 Died 2007

"Stutter...bump bump bump....stutter stutter, bump bump...."

What is that noise you ask...that would be my van. She made it for one last run to the school to pick up the FlyingMonkeys and then directly to my neighbor...who is also my mechanic.


Me: She is making this stutter noise...should I go get new plugs?


Him: Ahhhh, noooooo......see when you have antifreeze, oil and water coming up through this spot..


Me: Oh yeah...is that where you took the spark plug out?


Him: Yes...


Me: Crap, that can't be good....how about I go buy a new belt or something...what'ill that run me...


Him: Don't need a belt...


Me: How about some of that fancy name brand oil and antifreeze...yeah that would be good, and new plugs for good measure...new oil filter, air filter..


Him: Head gasket...


Me: I did not hear that...what about a new tire..I think I have enough for one of those..


Him: New gasket, really a new motor would be best...$1500 for a low mileage used motor + labor...


Me: LAAA LAAA LAAA LAAA LAAAA I AM NOT LISTENING TO YOU...I CAN NOT HEAR YOU LAAA LAAA LAAAA LAAAA


*In a movie this would be where TheGuy slapped me to stop my hysterical ranting*


So....I am looking for a "New To Me" used vehicle. I hate car shopping. Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate it.


I spent 3 days searching every car site on-line looking for something that fits our needs and budget. Then Saturday we piled into Rob's car at 8:30am and set off to "the big city" to look.


We got home around 5pm and I felt like I had been rode hard and put up wet. Even better...I am still looking.

To be continued.....

Exceeded Expectations

Everyone probably has at least one horror story about horrible customer service...sadly many of us (raises hand here) have enough of them that we have forgotten the true meaning of customer service. So let me remind you..

Customer Service Don'ts:

Do not tell a pregnant woman who has just survived a transatlantic flight with a 3yo, 2yo and a giant poo covered St. Bernard that since your airline screwed up that you will put them on a connecting flight to a city 3 hours from her intended destination and then rent her a van so that she can get home......and then not do it. Do NOT then shove them on a plane and then leave them abandoned in the Atlanta airport at midnight with one diaper left and no food....Cause if you did that...even 8+ years later she still might still be ticked and slightly bitter...Angry enough to (Northwest) mention (Northwest) your (Northwest) name....but she won't. Hint, she might not still be so torked had you at least apologized.

That is how it works..at least for me. If someone tells me about a horrible experience they had with a company generally speaking I will never use that company. Consider the "feedback" aspect of E-Bay...don't you feel a whole lot safer buying from someone with a good rating? Or how about a babysitter...would you ever consider using one that you knew nothing about...me thinks not.

Bitter (Northwest) aside (Northwest) I have been the recipient of some of the best customer service on earth lately. Even the little things like -the McDonalds in our city has NEVER gotten our order right...until now. I ordered, paid and before I could get to the 2nd window to pick up our food the manager was leaning out the window holding it smiling at me...and...drumroll...everything was correct...I was so happy.

But here is the winner of best customer service of the year....

Martingale & Company...my new best friends.

I was knee deep in the Christening Shawl(blanket) shown on the cover....when I hit a speed bump...

Y'all, making this blanket is a commitment...I had put lots of hours into it by this point and was very upset that the instructions did not make sense to me. I was just this side of flopping on the floor and throwing a screaming nutty.


Then I found their web site. I contacted them and within an hour I had a reply...a reply from a real live human being, promising help and hence talking me out of my tree. Soon, I had in my hot little hands a way to contact their technical advisor.....she too was wonderful. Both of these ladies were everything that I did not expect...funny, helpful, and kind (they looked over the fact that I sounded like a raving lunatic). The technical advisor was prepared to walk me through the issue I was having.

These ladies exceeded all of my expectations.

Now...in the picture of the blanket I am working on...if you look in the upper left hand corner you will see a little steel crochet hook. Do you see it? Have any idea where it might be now? When I picked up the blanket after taking the picture I heard it fall...and can not find it...I blame myself (Northwest).

Hot Mamas Know

Absolutely Bananas came up with this great idea! Real tips from real women...cool huh? For all the details on participation check out her site by clicking on the purty picture above...

And now...my tip:

Olive oil and sugar face scrub...

Right before your shower, in a small plastic (because this stuff is slippery..and so is whatever you end up putting it in...if I am going to drop it I would rather it be plastic...), mix about 1/4 granulated sugar and enough extra virgin olive oil to make a paste. In the shower...BEFORE you wash your hair or body (or you could end up looking like an extra from Grease), scoop out a nice glop of the stuff and use both hands to massage it into your face. Do this for about a minute and rinse.

I saw this on TV years ago. I seem to remember that the olive oil and the sugar have a mild chemical reaction that is beneficial to your skin...if only I could remember what... I can tell you that it will remove all of the dead skin and will leave your face smooth and pink.

Gotta get everyone up...the older two FlyingMonkeys AKA the non-quarantined, will be delivered to school as usual. Magnuts and I will then go straight to the doctor to see if we can find out why his chest seems insistent on producing the sound track for "Mucus-The Musical."

Wish us luck...

168 Hour Work Week

I got a call from the Census Bureau yesterday. The pleasant young lady let me know that she was training and that her supervisor would be listening in. I had indeed filled out the 5 thousand page 2.4 million questionnaire they sent me a few months ago....but they had a question or two...

After a few dozen questions confirming my identity they asked the doozie....

CB: Uh...we have a question concerning your employment information

Me: Shoot

CB: It says here that you work 168 hours a week for a company called..........ummmm....Reevesfarm Family Planning and Management.

Me: Yes

CB: Well....now....that would be a lot of hours, ummmm more than you can really work in a 7 day period. Did you calculate that on a monthly basis instead of a weekly basis?

Me: No, I work about 720 hours in an average month, a few more in December a few less in February.

****Note-this lady was really sweet and trying to be polite to the crazy lady who thinks she works every minute of the day...****

CB: Uh...well that would mean you work every minute of the day...when would you sleep?

Me: On average I get 7-8 hours of sleep a night....but I am always on call....at any moment I may be woken to attend to a business emergency.

CB: OK, well lets move along to your duties...."Provides the following services 24 hours a day: maid, chauffeur, chef, laundress, tutor, advocate, medical, coach, accountant, fashion consultant, decorator, party planner, police officer......"

She got pretty quiet at this point...and then...laughter. Not just her, but her female supervisor, they were both laughing their butts off.

CB: Sorry, this is great! We have never seen one like this before...Good for you!

Score one for the stay at home Moms....

Mystery Illness....

Unfortunately only 2/3 of the FlyingMonkeys are at school. Magnuts has gotten the "cough till you choke" crap AGAIN! For those keeping score that would be twice in less than 3 weeks.

Once I get the Delsym cough syrup in him he is fine...It is all I can do to keep him from running around the house.and as a bonus he has a temp. of 102. Funny thing about that temp is that he does not seem to have one during the day...but about 6pm it cranks right up and he thinks it is hilarious...a get out of jail/school card if you will.

It is so strange that I was just sure he was doing something to cause it...I had him lay in my bed, where I could keep an eye on him, and took it again 30 minutes later. It is for real.

MonkeyBoy brought home all of the work Magnuts missed yesterday...there were 19 sheets of work...front and back...it was horrible.

So....until about 3pm Magnuts is all happy...laid out on the sofa, sucking down diet Sprite and gorging on Cartoon Network....but when MonkeyBoy gets home with the tome that is Magnut's homework...his symptoms kick in. Then at 6ish...AKA bath time...he has a fever...What gives?

Cross your fingers for both of us....

Bite Me Big Book

I found this in the Toys-R-Us Big Book and was stunned:
Speed Stacks Glow in the Dark StackPack with DVD-$29.99

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I went to the web page to find out more information...there had to be more to this...nope. Essentially you get a set of plastic cups and a mat to stack them on that times you.

I was flummoxed...cup stacking, really? What a scam. Then I thought I would share this little joke with the kids....dumb...dumb...dumb..

I showed them the picture and immediately their little hands start flying around in a "stacking" motion. They are all, "Oh yeah Mom those are awesome....it is supposed to be so much fun....we would love some...." This only proves that just when you think you have a clue...your kids will be right there to prove that you don't...

Have you ever watched Eddie Murphy Raw? Do you remember the part where he was talking about wanting a McDonald's hamburger and his Mother made him a homemade one? Here is the clip:

That is exactly how the FlyingMonkeys must have felt at the end of our "speed stacking conversation," it went a little something like this:

Me: Why would I spend $30 for cups??? We have everything you need to do that already...

FM: Uh uh....

Me: Yeah huh...look I have 12 of these plastic "stacking cups" I got at Wal-Mart and they were only $3

FM: Ummmmm, well ok then. What about a timer so I can see how fast I can do it?

Me: Already got one...

FM: Really! Where?

Me: Right there...look-

FM: Wha! Huh? Mom! Our microwave won't "time" us it just counts down stuff...

Me: So...Set if for 10 minutes and get your Brother to hit stop when you are done stacking...then use some of this scrap paper to subtract the remaining time from 10 minutes and viola! A timer that will help you with your math skills!

***at this point I am hearing lots of grumbling and they are starting to look at me like Michael Richards doing stand-up at an elementary school***

FM: Um...we still need a stacking mat....

Me: Oh, we have one of those too...and it is not a stinky little one like in the Big Book. Ours is a competition quality surface that allows multi players!

FM: REALLY! AWESOME! Where is it?

Me: Right here-

I take a moment to rub in my "Big Book Victory" - I am all standing at the table stacking my imaginary cups with speed that looks like something out of the Matrix. I start with the sound effects, "cha cha cha cha cha clink" and yell "DONE." I look at my fake watch and announce my time-2.4 seconds...it's a new record.

Hey Toys-R-Us Big Book...I am winning!...HOW YA LIKE ME NOW!

Then MonkeyBoy points out, with a smug look on his face, "The one from the store comes with an instructional DVD..."

I led them into my office and with one click of the mouse pull the coup de grace onto my screen........http://speedstacks.com/howTo.php - that's right...a free, step by step tutorial on cup stacking!!!!!!!

~I win, I dance, I run back to our multi player competition quality stacking surface to beat my old record with my imaginary cups...I am flailing my arms wildly...picture Tom Cruise in Cocktail...I begin to sing..."Shake it, don't break it..it took yo mama 9 month's to make it..."

All of a sudden....it is dark. Pitch black dark....and I hear....

"Huh.....the ones from the store glow in the dark...."

Feel Good Story of the Day....

Saturday post...who would have thunk it...but I just read a news article and had to share.

Gabriel and Ieuan Jones are identical twins who are apparently inseparable. At the 25th week of gestation their mother was told that Gabriel, while have the size of his brother, had heart that was 3 times normal size and that he would surely die in the womb. They told the mother that if by some miracle Gabriel survived to term that he would not live.

Their primary concern was that if Gabriel died in the womb it could lead to life threatening issues for his twin. The mother had to make a horrible choice...to let the doctors operate to end one baby's life in hopes of saving the other.

During the first operation the doctors attempted to cut Gabriel's umbilical cord....attempted and failed. The cord was too strong for them to cut.

The tried again...this time they cut the placenta in half hoping that when Gabriel died it would allow his twin to survive.

Imagine their surprise the next day when little Gabriel was kicking up a storm...bet they were not as amazed as when they discovered a short time later that his enlarged heart began to reduce in size or that Gabriel himself began to increase in size!

They are now both healthy happy baby boys...their mother says that the bond between them is incredibly strong...that they are often holding hands and that if one cries the other reaches out to comfort him....

Amazing.....

Wanted: Toy Do's & Don'ts...also someone to tell me if I spelled "don'ts" right....

We just got the Toys-R-Us big book. I find it sorely lacking. They crammed so many toys in there they didn't have room to give you much information about each toy. I NEED MORE people! I am not going to plunk down that kind of jack for a toy that I know nothing about.

It occurred to me that I have a wonderful way to find out all kinds of REAL information about toys....you guys! I will pass along information I have garnered over the years and ask questions about toys the kids are clamoring for. Hopefully you will have answers, insights and questions of your own.

I am doing this in hopes of avoiding a $50 dud...like the remote control helicopter MonkeyBoy got a few years ago. It was, according to the label, age appropriate...we charged it for hours and on its maiden voyage it crash landed and that was the ball game. We might have gotten more use out of it had we flown it in a room filled with bubble wrap....

Perhaps you have insight that can help another parent avoid a gift don't.....two years ago Santa brought the boys these huge remote control Hummers....They were made to be driven on all kinds of terrain....however....with two boys, two competitive boys, racing against each other was not enough. They tried to run each other off the "road," they rammed the cars together...While well built and living up to every claim in the ads...they were not designed for kids who want to crash them into things.

Cotton Candy maker...lets just say ...gift don't...and fire extinguisher do.

So what toys are your kids asking for that you need more info about? Commenters please feel free to answer other commenters questions...that is what this is all about!

So my questions this week:

Wii- we have a PS2 and an eyetoy...would the Wii be redundant? If you have one why do you love/hate it?

Children's Digital Camera-I am talking about one for a 4 year old...something with a decent sized "pre-view" screen...any ideas?

Fly Pen-seems cool but does having to have spend the money for the special paper and software make it not worth it?

Have a good weekend!

Snail Mail....

I am sure I have seemed a tad grumpy lately....there is a good reason. Well it is a good reason to me.

I LOVE the FlyingMonkey's pediatrician...she is awesome. But for the last two months we have had issues getting their meds refilled. 2/3 of them are taking medication for their ADD/ADHD. This medicine can not be "called in." You must have a physical prescription in hand to get a refill. Their Dr. is an hour away and so each month I call the office to let them know I need a refill and they mail the prescription to me in one of the self-addressed stamped envelopes I provided.

Last month, for convenience I used a pharmacy I had never been to before. Long story short...it was a two day ordeal that culminated in the Pharmacist announcing to everyone in the store, including Miss-D that I was trying to pass fake prescriptions. I tried to defend myself, saying that there had to be some kind of misunderstanding...he just kept saying that he would not be filling my fake prescription...people were staring.

I was mortified, snatched the prescription away from the guy, went to Wal-Mart and had it filled and was on my way in less than 30.

Turns out that the Dr. was using new prescription writing software and the DEA number "may" be off my one numeral. That is what the pediatrician's office told me anyway. Even if that is true it does not excuse the Pharmacist's behavior...and I told the Corporate Office and the Board of Directors so in a strongly worded e-mail. They contacted me within 12 hours of me sending the e-mail and were very apologetic....even though, in their words- "I would love to explain how this could happen, but it is inexcusable..."

So now it is a month later. I called last Wednesday for their refill. It is now Thursday and still no prescription. Usually I call it in, it is mailed the next day, and I get it the day after that. We are now out of medicine. Completely out. For some reason I usually wait until the last minute to call in the refill...it has come down to the wire before....but we have never just been OUT. I was so proud that I remembered to do it "early"....the prescriptions should have overlapped by about 4-5 days.

Without their medicine they have to be watched more closely. They will accidentally throw their plates or silverware in the garbage can instead of just scraping them. One of them has been known to put their pants on backwards. I have to make sure that we have everything we need before leaving for school, and then check again when I drop them off to make sure they didn't leave anything in the car. I had to point out that while it was a good thing that one of them already had their shoes on....it would make putting on the socks they were holding tricky.

It is not fair to them. Had the two in question not already missed several days of school in the last 3 weeks because they were sick...I would have kept them home. I did send a note to the teacher explaining the situation and asking for understanding.

The mail gets here at 1pm....today will be 8 days since I requested a refill....keep your fingers crossed.

Boo!

Halloween isn't turning out quite the way I had planned. Rob has had a major schedule change that will last until mid November and became effective immediately. Lets just say that the time (before the sun is up) he used to get up to get ready for work is now the time he will be getting home. So we are all adjusting to this.....

Our lovely Mayor decided a few years ago that kids should not trick-or-treat...he wanted people to attend school festivals and church carnivals. He did not ban trick-or-treating he only "strongly discouraged it." I, bucking the system, decided to boycott all that stuff and take the kids trick-or-treating. In 2 hours the three of them combined had collected 1 lifesaver peppermint...a pity peppermint if you will, that a nice old lady dug out of her purse.

This year I planned to fill their ghost & pumpkin candy buckets myself and then hide them for a spirited treasure hunt after school. That I can still do...but I hate that Rob will miss the family pizza/movie picnic I have planned.

It also stinks that he will miss the school's Fall festival tomorrow night. I am all about supporting the school by going...especially since they were kind enough to not have it on Halloween night.

Just an aside....If you are a school or a church and you choose to have your Fall/Halloween festival on Halloween night...suck it up and stop trying to change trick-or-treating to the 30th. If you are only worried about attendance have your thing a different night...if you are trying to make people choose then be prepared to accept their choice.

Happy Halloweenie!

Achoooo

When Miss-D was about 16 months old I was getting her up from her "nap" when I noticed that something didn't seem right. Her copy of Snow White had several pages ripped out and she seemed a tad congested. The little goober had turned pages 7-9 into little paper balls and did the only natural thing....shoved them up her nose.

I tried to get her to blow her nose....nothing. I took her outside and pointed her face right at the sun trying to get her to sneeze...just hacked her off. I told Rob that we would just have to take her to the emergency room.


To put his reaction in perspective I need to tell you that at this time we were living in Ft. Knox, and would be taking her to the Army hospital....a guaranteed 6-7 hour wait. 6-7 hours of sitting with a screaming pissy child, surrounded by other screaming pissy people.


Rob decided that we needed to try a few more things before surrendering ourselves to that particular hell. He tried to get her to blow, tried blunt tweezers....nothing worked. By this time she is thoroughly pissed, mucus running down her little red face...and I tell him again we just need to take her to the hospital.


But, no, he was desperate and had one more trick up his sleeve. He lay her down on our bed. Then he covered her nose with his mouth...and....sucked. I couldn't stop him before he did it, and was too busy rolling around our bedroom floor laughing to do anything to help him after he did it. Two of the little balls shot out of her nose and smacked into the back of his throat like two little booger covered spit balls. He was "aaaahacccckkkkking" and "snooooorrrrking" and dry heaving. Two down...eight to go.


So an hour later in the ER, I was still laughing, he was still green and clearing his throat. 3 hours into our wait Miss-D sneezed....Snow White was free...

**The moral of this story, as brought to us by my cousin the pediatrician...if you are going to suck things out of your child's nose...for the love..put some panty hose over your mouth to keep the booger balls at bay...**

This morning on the way to school:

MonkeyBoy: I am so excited, today is my computer day at school.

Me: Huh...bluuug, shunnou manouniii (coffee not working yet - but roughly translates to "What, huh, whataya mean")

MonkeyBoy: I get to look at different stuff, like National Geographic...

Magnuts: Nekid boobies!!!heee heee heee

MonkeyBoy: NO! Kid's National Geographic, gah.

Me: Huh, wha why?

MonkeyBoy: Well, if you are good you get to have a day when you get to use the computer like a ...

Miss-D: Dog treat.

MonkeyBoy: Uh unnnn....are you calling me a dog?!?!? If I am a dog and you are my sister that makes you a .....

Me: STOP. RIGHT. NOW.


Happy Monday to me.....

Friday Funny

I got two e-mails this morning that had me laughing my butt off. I thought I should pass them along and leave you this fine Friday with a good laugh....

First the e-mail forwarded from cousin Chucky:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway , because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.


Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the
shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"

There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she lept at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight"
syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight"
option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in
front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!

And finally a little picture my Mom forwarded me titled "Redneck Tank Top"; look closely:

Woman Scorned

***Edit***
After reading an e-mail about this post I feel I need to clarify....Miss-D is not some ticking time bomb. She was doing research to help her understand a person whose behavior is confusing to her. She was looking for common interests or anything that might help her understand why this teacher is so rude to her. We had a long conversation about how in the "grown-up" world sometimes people are just butt-holes. Nothing she can do about it, ride it out, keep her head down and the year will be over. Learning to deal with difficult personalities is a part of growing up and she is getting a crash course in it. I hope this edit clarifies things.***

Miss-D is learning how to live with a teacher who does not like her. She was mystified at the beginning of the year when her new science teacher (this would be the loon who had them picking aluminum cans out of the trash in the 105 heat) seemed to dislike her. She has never had a teacher who didn't love her...not because she is a suck up but because she is smart, doesn't disrupt class and can fix their computers.

New teacher...just doesn't care for her. At the beginning of the year there were tears of frustration; then she came up with a plan.


Plan A: Compliment her and be as helpful as possible (read: kiss bootie)

Plan B: Speak to the teacher after class and ask her why she does not like her.


Things had been OK for a while....but Miss-D has not been feeling well for the last week. Yesterday was her first day back and she was not feeling on top of her game. Apparently the teacher was rudely dismissive of her and it hit Miss-D pretty hard.

Last night I interrupted her mid-Google. She had already acquired a great deal of information about this teacher...to include, but not limited to-her home phone number, address, husband's name, pet's names, a list of previous employers.....

Miss-D may seem all sweetness and light...but apparently she reacts strongly to being kicked when she is down. I love the moxie...but had to put my foot down with the unsupervised Googling.

I am guessing that she is one lock of the woman's hair and a sewing needle away from having a very nasty voodoo doll....plan C?

Prep Day

It is Homecoming week for the FlyingMonkeys. Each day of the week has a dress theme. Today is Prep Day...meaning they are to dress "preppy." MonkeyBoy's teacher cited this as a fashion do:

The kids seem to now equate preppy with dorky. All three kids have shirts tucked in, khaki pants, and sweaters tied around their necks. Before school, to my horror, I found them doing this in the den:

Thank you Nick at Night.

Slice and dice...

I tried to get the attic fan to work last night. I chanted "come on, come on, come on" with each rotation of the blades...it went faster and faster...got louder and louder. Not louder in the way that means it was going strong; more like it was about to come free from its mounting and kill everything in it's path.

I could just see the headlines in our paper: "Local Woman Julienned By Attic Fan"

Because I am a prudent woman I took a few steps back and observed it's progress from the boy's room. Magnuts was behind me and confirmed my suspicion that it really was louder than usual....I think, I couldn't hear him and his sign language is suspect at best.

It is dead, or I think we will be if we try to use it again. The AC is back on....

Free Cold Air!

Saturday night was our last football game (read: me doing happy dance that the 6-8pm practices twice a week are over) and the weather was wonderful! Because I have been a little under the weather I decided to work the gate instead of concessions.

Even though kick-off wasn't until 5:30 I needed to be there at 3 to keep people from coming in without paying. At 3ish it was still in the 80s so I was a little tickled at all the folks bringing in blankets and heavy coats.....the low was only going to be 67!

It is so funny to me that the people who survive 6 months of sweltering heat each year will be the first ones to throw on thermal blankets the moment we get some relief. I was sitting there in shorts and a t-shirt perfectly comfortable....right next to people huddled together under blankets drinking coffee.

Seriously, I own 2 pair of long pants.

My windows are open and my AC is off for the first time since May. I have fans in the windows pulling in the nice cool air and the wonderful smell of my blooming Tea Olives. Heaven.....

Punk

In Montgomery, Alabama.....This guy and his wife came home Tuesday after being away for a week and found that their house had been emptied. They were seriously cleaned out...and the burglar had not only taken everything he could get his hands on he had also made a big mess. The husband told his wife to go to her sisters while he checked everything out. It was about this time that he ran into the burglar (33-year-old Tajuan Bullock), who had come back into the house, and was wearing the mans hat. Not only did they hold the thug at gun point they made him CLEAN up the mess that he made. When the authorities arrived Tajuan had the nerve to complain to the police that he had been made to clean up at gun point. The police laughed at him and told him he was lucky that he had not been killed.

This reminds me of another story that happened here a few years ago. A man had gone over to his elderly father's house to cut the grass and instead interrupted a burglar. He held the idiot at gunpoint and made him mow the lawn until the police arrived. This guy had the nerve to complain too.

What in the hell is going on with these people? You see it, you want it, you take it. Bull.

Several years ago a guy and his lovely girlfriend decided to break into our storage area, in broad daylight, and steal all of my Christmas stuff. Among other things they took the Christmas stocking my Mom made for me when I was a child. Consider this-with 5 people living in one house and our busy schedules we always have something around here that needs to be done. Also-our thief and his accomplice were both high on Meth; from what I understand that gives them an abundance of energy. I bet that with the help of my gun I could have gotten a LOT of crap done. I live a long way from the city...by the time the cops got here I could have had them clean the swamp the kids call a bathroom, bushhog the front field, and finish painting the kitchen.

Alas...I didn't catch them...and the swamp still needs to be cleaned.

Memo to all Meth heads:

My children are sick, I am sick. My sinuses are draining and my throat is on fire. So let me take a moment to thank you for making me wait in the frickin pharmacy line for 25 minutes to get a box of Sudafed.

I hope you all get the exact same thing I have. I hope that your throat turns into a mucus waterfall and feels like you swallowed razor blades. I hope you pass it along to everyone you sell or use Meth with. I hope that you suffer with this...using up every one of your ill gotten Sudafed pills for their true purpose...then I hope you suffer with it some more. I hope you stand in line for 25 minutes hoping to get your hands on more Sudafed and that they will not sell you any because I got the last box.

May you suffer this heinous boogerilla fate until it dawns on you that Sudafed only has one use.


Bite Me,
Laura

Nothing you can say....

There was a really nice lady that used to work for my Dad. She told us a story about a Thanksgiving dinner she had attended when her children were both very young. It was a typical Thanksgiving....every living member of her family was seated and ready to begin the meal when someone asked her young son to say the blessing.


It began normally enough, "Thank you for the food, especially the pies....." but ended like this:

"And thank you for MeeMaw and PopPop, and please Lord help Mama and Daddy stop smoking the pot....Amen."


Oi.

Bet on it...

MonkeyBoy is running for SGA Treasurer. He needed to have to campaign posters and something to hand out to his constituents to make them remember to vote for him by 8am Monday morning. Because we have been out of town we ended up in a serious time crunch Sunday night.

I made our twice monthly big grocery trip Sunday and planned to pick up the supplies he needed for his campaign. At 5pm I came to the realization that there was NO play money to be found (not buying monopoly just for the stinkin $) and had to switch gears. At the Dollar Tree I found packs of poker chips-60 for a $1. Frickin perfect! His new slogan could be "Bet on MonkeyBoy!" and he could hand out poker chips with his name on them!!!! I bought glitter glue, 180 poker chips, and poster board.

I got started on the poker chips while Rob was looking for a picture of a Royal Flush to print and add to the poster...he found something better. Behold the picture that is the center of MonkeyBoy's poster:

Yes, that is MonkeyBoy's head....he doesn't usually have that smarmy grin on his face..that was a little something special for the poster.

He will be working on a speech to give tomorrow and elections are Thursday...he is not even nervous.

To be fair I am including a picture that does not make him look like such a goob...

Taken last week at the beach....my MonkeyBoy:

Jinx...

Saturday morning my Mom and I were enjoying coffee on the balcony while watching the ocean....this is when it happened. I stupidly said, "I can't believe we have been at the beach for almost a week and NOTHING blog worthy has happened."

I am a fool.

We needed to leave a little early so that we could be home in time for Magnut's football game. I got all of our junk together, marvelling at how our pile of stuff had doubled in just a few days. The FlyingMonkeys were corralled and run through the bathroom for one last "tee tee" while I took a final look under the beds. Goodbyes were said and we wrestled the overloaded luggage cart to elevator and made our way to the car.

....In football this would be called the end of our "forward progress."

It was a few minutes before 10am and I was in the groove...luggage loaded, kids belted in...and then I noticed...lots of people milling around...some were setting up chairs on the sidewalk..curiouser and curiouser....

Some genius decided that Saturday morning, exactly at check-out time, would be the perfect frickin time to close a few miles of Front Beach road for a Shriner's parade. We were stuck. We watched in horror as men careened down both lanes of the street in go-carts, 4 wheelers, and motorcycles. A few minutes into this exercise in brilliance I overheard someone say that the road would be closed until 11:30.

Unacceptable. We were going to wait for a "parade lull" and make a break for it. The parking lot exit was blocked...this did not stop us. We simply reversed until we were "going in through the out door." The plan was to jump right on in the parade and have the kids wave like crazy until I could whip us off on a side road.

The lull never came....but the clowns did. Me and clowns...not so much. The FlyingMonkeys decided it would be funny to sic one of the clowns on me. They got a particularly stupid one to come try and get me into the spirit of the parade. They were literally rolling on the ground laughing and pointing at me. Because they were watching me I could only mentally give the clown the "spirit finger."

We sat though the entire thing...next time instead of declaring something un-blog worthy I will be a little more clear- "Wow, we had a great relaxing time...no indoor water balloon fights, no one needed a cast and nothing was set on fire."

Duh.

Wish You Were Here...

I have been SOOOOOOOOO busy....work work work.....

Nahhhh, just kidding......

The water is clear as a bell and the weather has been beautiful....check back with y'all soon!

Let me introduce you....

to Miss-D.

I remember 7th and 8th grade as a total nightmare. I don't think that there is anything meaner than 12/13yo girls. Miss-D is the exception. Sure she can drive us to absolute insanity, make her brothers actually consider homicide....but she will also be the first one to give one of them a hug.

She wears her heart on her sleeve and is absolutely baffled when someone is mean to her for no reason. I have explained to her that I remembered how in 7th grade girls would be enemies one week and best friends the next. This truth does not make her feel any better because she just does not understand it...it does not seem logical to her.

A few weeks ago a friend did something absolutely cruel to her at lunch. When I picked her up from school that day I could tell something was wrong. I asked her about it and she said she needed to talk to me privately. That is our code for "as soon as we get home we go to my bedroom, shut the doors, flop on my bed and talk." She told me about it and that she had written her friend a letter telling her that, "what you did today was mean and hurt my feelings; until things change you are on "friend probation"."

I was so tempted to tell her that was the wrong thing to do. That telling the girl how much she had hurt her made her looked needy and that could make things worse. Kids that age will see that as a weakness and go after her even more. But I didn't.

I wanted to tell her that those kids are idiots, I wanted to go find them and kick their butts, I wanted....to do a lot of things.

I was not like that as a kid. Even though it often bites her in the arse Miss-D is willing to tell people exactly how she feels..hurt, angry, sad....I wanted to tell her to stop doing this, to toughen up and not let it get to her. At some point I realized why I was not like her when I was a kid, why most people are not like her...because it is too scary. Putting your feelings out there like that takes a kind of courage that I can not imagine.

She tries out for everything...cheerleading, choir, plays....and today...right this second...basketball. Does the fact that she has never picked up a basketball stop her, no. During the practices a girl told Miss-D that she would pay her not to come back for tryouts.

My fearless girl. My girl who writes the most amazing stories, dreams up the best games and loves us all so much. She is at this moment running around the gym with her heart right there on her sleeve....So....let me introduce you to the bravest person I know:

Actually....

You know how some poker players have a "tell"? Some little thing like drumming their fingers or scratching their ear that "tells" you that they are bluffing? Magnuts has one...if he EVER starts a sentence with the word "actually" (pronounced Act-chew-lee) whatever follows will be pure unadulterated bologna. Combine this trait with his obsessive need to "one up" his siblings and we hear the word actually A LOT.

One morning on the way to school:


Magnuts- Mom, I can now read the 4.5 - 4.8 books (means 4th grade 5th month through 8th month).

Miss-D- I am reading at college level (she is)

MonkeyBoy- I am at least at the high school level right Mom?

Magnuts- Actually, I am reading at college level


*****

Me-Who has finished the last Harry Potter?

MonkeyBoy-Not all of........

Magnuts- Actually, I already finished it. It was great.

The other two are so used to this baloney they don't even call him on it.

****
BTW...We started Fall break this week and will be heading to the beach this afternoon. We should have free wireless internet...so depending on how things go I am going to try and post a few from the beach.

If the bloggy planets do not align then I will see y'all on Monday!

Fark...

No, it's not what you think. Well maybe it is, I am not always on top of the newest things. Rob tried to get me to check this site out all weekend.

Rob-*pulls site up on laptop and puts it right in front of my face* "Come on Laura...you will love this site...it is exactly the kind of strange news you love...."

Me-*averting eyes* "Noooooooo, I already have too many things to read everyday!" (compulsive much?!?)

This little dance continued through the weekend...until Sunday afternoon....when I caved...and fell in love.

The site is www.fark.com

The following is a sample of the headlines that had me hooked:

--If you're going to run from the cops after being pulled over for excessively tinted windows, don't leave your crack and two infants behind in the car

--What do you get when you cross a sickle, a brick, and a push lawnmower? One heck of a birthday party

--Barktoberfest. Doggy Halloween. I Shih Tzu not

--10-year-old boy leads police on a 44 mile long chase at about 25 mph in a stolen school bus. Sandra Bullock unavailable for comment

--When being arrested, giving the officer a "Wet Willie" isn't going to help matters

I could spend hours going through this site reading all the weird stuff....and probably will.

There has got to be some kind of 12 step program for this.....

Coming in a little hot....

A few years ago we went to a really nice water park in Birmingham. They had these huge water slides that kind of looked like this:

The thing that confused me was the size of the pool that the slides emptied into. It was HUGE. I just couldn't figure out why on earth it needed to be larger than an Olympic sized pool.

It all became clear....

Magnuts and I grabbed our innertubes and climbed the 6 billion stairs to the launch platform. He was going first (mistake #1) on his tummy. The attendant held the innertube for him while he got situated and then gave him a nudge...off he went. I decided to go belly down too (mistake #2); the attendant counted to five and shoved me down the slide.

A few things that should have been considered---

1. I weigh a considerable bit more than Magnuts, hence I would travel a GREAT deal faster down the slide than he would.

2. Going face down eliminated the two things that could have slowed me down ( hooters and the "I've had 3 kids belly") thus making me, for the first time in 12 years, aerodynamic.

A few seconds into it I realized that there was a very real chance that I would catch up to Magnuts and seeing as how I was now a "mommy missile of mass destruction" there could be trouble. I began yelling, "Magnuts! hurry get out of the way!!!! Momma is coming in a little hot!" Don't know why I bothered, since I at that point I was going faster than the speed of sound.

The end of the slide was in sight....I was praying that there was no human being anywhere near the opening of the tube....

I hit the pool just as I was nearing the speed of light and skipped like a giant Mom shaped stone 15 or 16 times all the way across the pool, finally stopping near the stairs.

Some clapped, some just stared in horror.....

And that my friends, is why the pool is so frickin big.

***HEY!!!! I just noticed that this my 101th post...I totally missed 100....Dang I feel like I just saw my odometer roll to 100,001....

Am I Blue...

2:00am-

Wake up with full bladder. Upon standing need becomes exponentially worse and I shuffle/stumble through the dark; knees pressed firmly together.

Arrive at bathroom door, teeth gritted. Grab elastic waist band of PJs with both hands and shove them down as I waddle last 2 feet to the toilet.

**to explain what happened next I need to tell you about watching the Life Flight helicopters land at the hospital. If the patient aboard was stable the helicopter took its time, circled the pad and came straight down, nice and slow right to the middle spot. If the patient was not doing well the helicopter came screaming in at what seemed an impossible angle, no time for the nice little circle and soft landing.**

I was inches away from the toilet and urgency dictated the the "screaming angle" method of landing. I hit the seat....and then the seat and I slid off the toilet and into the tile wall. I tried to get my feet under me so that I would not fall to the floor. The shoving down of the pants while waddling apparently turned my PJs into one of these:

My knees were bound together. I was able to get my hands in front of me and thus avoided cracking my skull on the tile lip of the shower.

I just lay there in the dark for a moment. So grateful that I would not be found dead..bare arse in the air. Then the original reason for this little ballet of death came back to me with a vengeance. I flipped and I flopped...finally I was up. I grabbed the towel bar and lowered myself to do my business....when.....I noticed the toilet seemed lower than usual. Before my fuzzy brain registered that thing on the floor was the actual seat I had let go of the towel bar and was now wedged into a bowl of icy cold blue water.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to get any kind of leverage when your knees are still trussed together by your PJs?

Obviously I was able to remove myself....and because I have already told you more than you probably wanted to know I will end on a positive note... Tidy Bowl will not turn your arse blue.

Killing me softly....

I JUST set up Google Reader.....I know..duh. It does make going through my list of must reads a lot easier but some of y'all are just killing me. I open it up and have like 70 new posts to check out....I am clicking my way down the list....stopping by on some of them to post a comment...and all of a sudden I have 78 new ones to read.

I am a little obsessive..I like to keep the number at 0. I check back several times a day and go through the new ones...I am terrified that I will wake up one morning and see:

All Items (1,222,785)

I am going to have to get over this.

Uhhhhhhhh

Yesterday's post was kind of a lie. Our weekend really was fun.....until Sunday night. Miss-D spent Saturday night with my parents and the boys got to camp out in the den. Sometime before midnight Rob got a wild hair up his rump and decided to "spring clean" the kid's rooms and bathroom....he did this until 4am. I tell you this not just to make you jealous, but to help you understand the screaming nutty that would occur Sunday evening.


Miss-D came home Sunday with a bunch of uninflated balloons. No big deal right?


About 5:30 that evening Rob and I were watching football and the kids were playing and getting their showers. I was on the phone with my Mom who was telling me what a delight it had been to spend the weekend with Miss-D when I heard a loud yell from the kid's end of the house. It was loud enough that even Rob could not pretend that he didn't hear it. He went to check it out. A few seconds later I heard a ruckus like you would not believe. Still on the phone I walked into the kitchen just in time to see the boys dragging a LOAD of soaking wet linens to the laundry room.


A few seconds later Rob came back towards our bedroom, he was instructing the boys to collect every towel they could find on the floor of the laundry room and then to use them to START soaking up the water. He then sat on our bed and told me that he could not deal with this because he was too angry to even look at them. Apparently the FlyingMonkeys decided that balloons were fun but that GIANT water balloons were just chock full of awesomeness.


There was a water balloon the size of a late summer watermelon on Miss-D's freshly made bed. It was so large that it burst when Rob tried to pick it up. There were several more in the bathroom sinks and then a few the size of cantaloupes in Miss-D's bottom dresser drawer.


The entire bathroom floor was covered in water, the little bits of popped balloon were floating peacefully on the tiny waves. The swampy bathroom was the result of a few of the "water bombs" slipping out of their hands as they cocked their arms to launch them through the open bathroom widow.


You are probably checking the right side of this page to see if you "miss-remembered" how old the FlyingMonkeys are.....they really are 12 1/2, 11 and 8.


This took me back to a time when Miss-D was 4 and MonkeyBoy was 3. Rob was still deployed in Kosovo so I was by myself...If you don't count the 4yo, 3yo and newborn Magnuts. I had gotten the oldest two fed, bathed and in clean PJs. It was about 10 minutes before their bedtime when MonkeyBoy came to me with raw egg sliding down his freshly washed hair....Miss-D was nowhere in sight. Those two knuckleheads had gotten the eggs out of the fridge, climbed into MonkeyBoy's top bunk and then launched them at the ceiling fan. The eggs didn't just smack the fan and fall to the ground...because it was ON....it slung egg boogies in every crack and crevice of his room.

Oi.

A Good Time Was Had By All...

Except maybe for Bama and Gator fans....

But before I get to football I want to say how happy/relieved I was with all of the comments on Friday's post. I was just SURE that the "group name" I made up (WOMBS) would hack people off...It was just too funny to me to pass it up and I was hoping that some of you shared my sense of humor. Y'all sure know how to sweet talk a girl!


And now:


Magnuts football team pulled off the trick play to end all trick plays to tie up the game Saturday.

Picture this: The line is set. The center then very loudly says "This is the wrong ball" as he hands it between his legs to the QB. The QB then begins walking toward the side lines yelling, "HEY COACH THIS IS THE WRONG BALL!" When the QB gets to the end of the line he quickly turns and runs to the end zone!


I can not believe we pulled this play, I can not believe it worked and most of all I CAN NOT believe it is legal.


Don't feel to badly for our opponent...they ended up winning and Magnuts took a dirty late hit early in the game.


We still had a great weekend, hope y'all did too!

War Eagle!

W.O.M.B.S.

Dear Reevesfarm,

We are concerned about the number of posts in which you make fun of your children. Sometimes you even seem mean spirited. Have you forgotten that children are a gift from God?


We would really like to see more posts about how wonderful it is to be a mother. About how your children are the best thing that ever happened to you and about how incredibly special they are.

Sincerely,

WOMBS

(Writers Of Mushy Baby Stories)

*************************************
Dear WOMBS,

Sorry you are so sensitive.....put on your big girl panties and get over it.

Sincerely,

Reevesfarm

************************************

The group WOMBS is entirely fictional, any similarity to groups living or dead is purely coincidental....

Babies Babies Babies....

I found out recently that several people in my family are going to have babies!!!!! In celebration that I am not one of them I have learned a new trick...crochet.

This little pink sweater was my first project...I love the little scalloped edges. It should fit a 3-6 month old baby. Maybe I will get lucky and someone will have a girl.


This is my first crocheted baby blanket. 100% cotton and about 35 X 35.

Rob thinks this blanket is beautiful but he is less than thrilled about my new hobby. It annoys the living crap out of him when I make something just to make it...When he sees me working on something new he immediately wants to know who it is for. Now I have babies to make stuff for!!!!!!!!!

I have also pointed out that crochet is much safer; he gets a tad nervous when he is driving and I am using 5 tiny double pointed needles in the passenger seat. A crochet hook is benign in comparison.

I am working on a new blanket, it is pretty complex and I went on-line to find the specific yarn the patteren specified. Un-dyed 2 ply silk.......it is $25 per 1oo grams and I need 350 grams...If any of you know a place to get a good deal on yarn please let me know. I am working it in cotton right now but would love to try it in silk...just to see how it would feel.

Have a great Thursday!