Back away from the cart...

I had this full on rant already written about this woman who brazenly stole my shopping cart at Wal-Mart. It would have been posted yesterday but for two reasons; Blogger was having issues and it turns out that several of my nearest and dearest have also been known to snag a cart.

Now, they don't take carts that have things in them and they all swear that they will at least check for an owner before absconding with the buggy. Still, it irritates me. Perhaps because I have had so many stolen. People have actually dumped my items onto a nearby shelf and then taken my cart. That is a pisser.

So a few days ago when I watched a woman walk right up to my cart, grab it and take off I was stunned and irritated. I yelled, "MA'AM!!!!" about 3 times before she finally stopped, grinned at me, and walked off. WTH?

I am aware that there are times that urgency trumps the normal rules of polite society. Perhaps you have indulged in a "Big Gulp" and now have to tee-tee so badly that you are in real danger of wetting your pants. You waddle to the restroom only to find a long line...this is clearly a time when breaking a rule (the no Vageeenas in the Men's room rule) is not wrong.

The woman who stole my cart did not do it out of necessity or any urgency. She was not juggling newborn triplets while balancing a case of Diet Coke...she was just lazy.

I am thinking of getting a taser.

A funny thing happened...

I got an e-mail Friday from an associate casting director for CBS. She found me through my blog and wanted my phone number so that we could discuss any interest I might have in competing on a reality show.

Considering that my last few posts have dealt with a giant penis, me killing a snake, and a country singer being knocked out with a cold beer...I was wondering what kind of reality show they might be putting on....

The FlyingMonkeys were very excited by this whole thing, and while anything I get like that I worry about being all flim-flam shammy I decided to e-mail her my phone number.

Imagine my surprise when I got a call from her yesterday afternoon. She was a very nice young woman who did not seem offended in the least when I had to tell her "No Thank You."

Those of you who know me...prepare yourself- you may actually wet your pants...the show she wanted to talk to me about was........Survivor.

Survivor, really...me...BWAH HA HA HA HA!

I tried to think of the positives...

Pro-- Certain weight loss
Con-- Rice and rain water diet

I would be going from wondering what I could rustle up to sooth my sweet tooth to eating grilled rat hoping to get enough protein to get through the next day.

Pro-- Free "vacation" in an exotic place
Con-- Sharing vacation with various deadly indigenous animals

PETA would probably take exception to my kill it first identify it later animal control policy.

The million dollar prize could be quite an incentive....

But, imagine surviving weeks of starvation and discomfort...you suffer and in the end you prevail. They hand you a giant check for $1,000,000 and before you can get on the plane to come home the TaxMan cuts it in half...

So thanks for asking CBS, but, no thanks.

***
Just a side note-

If you decided to go on Survivor and were told you could only bring one thing with you what would it be?

I considered a pair of corduroy pants so I could speed walk and win the fire starting challenge.

Too late...

I eased on to the football field Thursday and found nothing but a giant patch of dirt in the middle of the field...the penis has been eliminated. It looked like Lorena Bobbit had gotten loose with a shovel.

Has to be a short one today...the sky is green and the weather guy is saying something about "the lowest level of your home"...

Catch y'all tomorrow!

This Bud's For You....

Yesterday morning I read a news story that actually made me laugh out loud. Even as I told Rob about it last night it still made me laugh until I teared up...

Country singer Pat Green was doing a show at a NASCAR event. He asked the audience if "anyone had a cold beer" and they responded. The cold beer flew threw the air smacking Mr. Green right between the eyes, knocking him out cold.

The fact that I am snickering as I type this is a testament to my demented sense of humor...

In other news...tonight I will sneak onto the football field to try and get a better picture of the giant penis.

Chicken

I walked over to the stadium last night hoping to get a picture of the salt peter. I should have gone sooner...when I could have pretended to be watching practice.

The guy who takes care of the fields was the only one around by the time I got over there. His normal facial expression is reminiscent of someone in the middle of a prostate exam...yesterday's was worse.

Thursday I will try to get over there earlier...but in the meantime...someone should really tell this guy that if he wants to cut down on the giggling he should re-think the current placement of his sprinkler.

Salt Peter...

When I picked up the FlyingMonkeys from school Friday they were all a-twitter. Someone had done something frickin hillarious naughty...

Someone decorated the football field for our upcoming game with the N.B. Gamecocks.

They used salt, a truckload of it, and drew a giant penis, complete with testicles in the middle of the field. The kids swear that it is at least 20 yards in length.

I bet football practice is just precious..."wind sprints around the wanker" "sit ups on the scrotum"

Magnuts has practice tonight on a neighboring field...I am going to try to ease over and snap a picture of TheGiantPenis if I can figure out how to do it without looking like a perv.

Picture it, my house, last night....

I was all nice and freshly showered, sitting at my computer in my nightgown. My bare feet where swinging a few inches above the ground (I am short y'all) as I happily completed the editing of our family cookbook.

MonkeyBoy had just finished his shower and was walking through my room to toss his dirty clothes in the laundry room. That is when I heard something that did not seem real. Words that you NEVER EVER FRICKIN want to hear yelled in your house....

"SNAKE SNAKE SNAKE SNAKE SNAKE SNAKE!"

Ohhhhhh......shite. Every bad dream I had as a kid was coming true...the snake had come from UNDER my bed. It was moving away from MonkeyBoy's bare feet and right for mine.

Some part of my barely functioning brain must have realized that I had to kill the thing. Allowing it to escape would mean that in my mind it would always be somewhere in my house.

I started yelling for MonkeyBoy to throw me a shoe...

The snake was inches from my feet when MonkeyBoy tossed me the shoe, the commotion caused the snake to turn and head back for him...

I thew the shoe at the snake...missed, but the snake turned around and headed back in my direction. MonkeyBoy retrieved my shoe and this time I didn't throw it, I held it in my hand and smacked the ever loving crap out of the snake.

Rob was still 45 minutes from being home...that is exactly how long the "dead" snake laid on the floor in front of my bathroom. I use "sarcasta-quotes" because I find it so difficult to tell when a snake is dead. Consider the time that I went through an entire box of shells because the snake kept moving.

If something is dead IT SHOULD NOT KEEP MOVING. I need the death of a snake to be a little more definitive...maybe they could burst into flames or turn to ash.

Rob arrived, picked up the snake, and walked into the bathroom with it...

HE WAS GOING TO FLUSH IT!!! Oh hells no...I would never be able to use our toilet again.

The thing is now in the woods...

***
And now a quick "Thanks" to my Mom.
Yesterday when I called you to tell you about the snake that I had JUST killed...I appreciate you reminding me that where you find a baby snake there must be a Mama and the other babies...

Also the bit about not scooping up laundry from the floor, "because they could be hiding under it..." Thankyou.

I know that you only told me all of that because you love me...I hope one day I can return the favor...Love ya!

End of Summer...

The boys getting in a last couple of dives in the lake...

Miss-D and the slalom ski...

Odds & Ends...

-The TV weatherman excitedly announced this morning that the next couple of days would be more like September than August. WTH...the only thing more expensive than my August power bill is the one I will get for September.

-Miss-D got contacts this week. She spent most of last year without her glasses because they kept breaking. She was fitted on Monday and has been doing well with them all week. We went with Dailies (a new pair every day). This means that I don't have to worry about her not cleaning them well and getting an infection. I also don't have to freak out if she looses one. Here is the best news... We went back yesterday for a re-check and I placed the order for her contacts. The total cost after insurance and rebate for an entire YEARS worth of contacts...15.20!!!!!!

-I stained 800 1.25 X .75 inch shingles yesterday. Today I will attempt to shingle the dollhouse I have been working on.

-I am still smoke free

Censorship and the ARSE....

School started yesterday and everyone is trying to get back into early bedtimes and early rising. So...at 9pm I was laying in bed and had just started a new book. Generally a good read will help me drift right to sleep...last night, not so much.

I had stumbled over this particular book at the library and was looking forward to giving it a shot. The kids were in bed, I was snuggled under the blankets, all was quiet...I started to read.

A dozen pages in, I am interested and engaged, I flip to the next page and see two black marks. Upon closer inspection I discover that someone has taken a black ink pen and scribbled through two curse words on the facing page. Where it not for my encyclopedic knowledge of curse words I would not have been able to decipher the original text.

I was intrigued, amused, and no longer sleepy...I had discovered an ARSE (analretentiveshiteraser)....

I flipped through the next couple of pages and noticed several more blackouts...and in a few cases the ARSE had added her own text, words I guess she found less offensive. In one case she substituted "jerk" for "shite heel"...

I went to the end of the book and begin to work backwards. Let me just say that the ARSE is nothing if not dedicated...she continued her scribble campaign through all 350 pages. She may have become even more zealous toward the end, blacking out the word "fart" and even on occasion marking through the portions of some compound words she found offensive....

I spent at least half an hour thumbing through the book. I just could not wrap my mind around what it would take to make a person check out a library book and then deface it that way. If the ARSE was so offended by "colorful" language why in the world would she check out a book about a gritty detective and his soap opera wife who discover Elvis and Marilyn Monroe's secret love letters. Everyone knows that gritty detectives have potty mouths...

It took at least an hour before I was able to get back to reading the story. Even then I was unable to really get in to it; the censorship was just too distracting. In the few pages that I did manage to read before giving up I found two words that the ARSE missed...

So I left her a little present....

Day 5 and I am still alive...

My hands need to be kept busy...so I have tried....

One of our BloggyFriends is having a little boy, (Margaret) and she lives in Texas so I couldn't resist this pattern when I saw it.....cowboy baby booties....

..

A giant teddy bear that needs me to sew his eyes on so that Rob will stop smacking people with him and calling it "blind justice."

A crocheted necklace for Miss-D...my first attempt at such a thing...

Tissue Paper flowers...

I have also finished 3 books and am knee deep in a Rosetta Stone Spanish lesson....

5 days and still smoke free...