Thursday, January 31, 2008

Channeling Red Forman...

If you have never watched That 70's Show the title of this post will likely elude you. Unless you watch this:
***FYI-the word "Ass" is used repeatedly in the clip below....just lettin' ya know***

I would love to introduce my foot to the woman driving the white SUV who forced me to pull off on to the shoulder of the road to avoid a head on collision. She was passing several vehicles in the north bound lane...illegally...and I was in the south bound lane. Thanks a ton you rude thoughtless wench...hope you get a big fat ticket for reckless driving from a policeman who is a big Red Forman fan.
On a lighter note...I am on my way to the school to do Career Day. I will be speaking to all three classes of 5th and 3rd graders. Well "speaking" might be overstating...I will be explaining how cool it is to be a SAHM who designs web pages for $. I did promise the kids not to go in a bath robe...my work attire. However, I have been playing with Photoshop...resulting in some really goofy pics of the FlyingMonkeys. Y'all cross your fingers....

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

BadKitty and KillerBees

Lately the dogs have been just loosing their minds at night. Barking at something or someone in the woods behind the house. I went to our Hunters to discuss the possibility of poachers...

Turns out we do have one...a giant, deadly feline poacher. The Hunters told me that we have a panther that is 6 feet from the tip of it's tail to its nose.

What! Aren't they those big cats at the zoo behind the giant fence to keep them from jumping on you and eating your face?!?! Apparently, yes...and the Hunters advised me to make sure the FlyingMonkeys are inside the house before dusk.

Oh and uh they like to sit up in trees and wait for food to come walking by...then they jump on your head and rip your guts out.

Other than the obvious problem with this have y'all considered how hard it is going to be to keep an eye on the ground for snakes and an eye in the sky for BadKitty?!?!

****
I may be letting it get to me....this is how I go check out things in my yard now:

Slip out the back door....ease it shut. Look left, right, and left again...no panther...breath. Tippy toe..tippy tippy toe over to my car...back pressed against the house.

Oh crap...did I look under the car, could it be under the car waiting to sink it's giant bloody claws in my ankles like that sicko little dead kid from Pet Cemetery!!!!!!

Keys! Keys! Crap why is my purse so frickin big...

Make it into the car, lock the doors...cause you know panthers are known for their mad car door opening skills.


Drive around the house through the yard to check out this "weird" thing the kids saw in one of the trees.


Whatyaknow...there is a weird thing...a hornet's nest about the size of a large watermelon. When did my yard turn into some freaky episode of Worlds Deadliest Places?

I return to the back door and do a little tactical crawl back into the house. What do you do about a hornet nest? I did what any rational person would do...called my mechanic's son.

My Mechanic'sSon tells me that he has heard that in the winter bees can not fly...that their wings will not work. He thinks I should just climb up in that tree and cut that sucker down...Uh...what????

That is sooooooooo not why I called him....He was supposed to tell me that he would be over here later and would just cut it down for me. There is not even a remote possibility that I am going to shag my fluffy little behind up a ladder to cut down a giant nest of KillerBees...because he heard they couldn't fly in the winter from some bartender at Dwan's.


Cause, hey maybe they can't fly...but if I am stuck up in a ladder by this NestOfDeath and they can still just walk... I am in trouble.


Poor Magnuts can't do anything anymore...One errant golf ball and he is in a swarm of KillerBees...his screaming would attract the hungry face eating BadKitty....ok...so I am borrowing trouble but it could totally happen.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Loving the Bing...

Mrs. Laura Soprano
Laura Soprano
Mr. and Mrs. Anthony Soprano
Tony and Laura Soprano

Oh y'all....I got it bad. We just started season 4 and I am absolutely addicted. We have to watch this in our bedroom with the door shut and the volume down so low that I am learning to read lips. This can be tricky with them throwing around words like: goumada/comare, gabagool, and schfogliadel....

I may be going around the bend....I have manicotti noodles for tomorrow night...and I may even refer to them as "manicot."

I realize that I am delusional...that I am not actually learning Italian...just a derogatory term for every occasion.

I just love this show. Love. It.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Who's The Man...

Thank you all for your kind words concerning Friday's post. I usually try to keep this blog in kind of a "fun zone" and in hind sight feel a little odd about what I wrote. For those expecting the usual goof it must have been kinda like having someone jump out of your closet and dousing you with a bucket of ice water. Miss-D is doing well and so far so good.

On a lighter note...this weekend was the football awards/dance thingy. We had a great DJ who brought a lady to help get the kiddos involved. With ages from K-7th grade it could have been a total bust but it worked out very well...especially for Magnuts.
Yes, that is little 8 year old Magnuts...slow dancing with a pretty 7th grade girl. He, like his father, has never experienced that phase where he thinks girls are gross...we are in big trouble.
Oi.

Friday, January 25, 2008

To Tell The Truth

To those of you who are related to me...I apologize for this post. The subject matter will not be something you want to read.

I believe in the past that I may have mentioned that my maternal Grandmother was murdered. We live in her house, which is also the place that she was killed. About 2 years ago, because of the hard work and persistence of many members of my family and the Alabama Department of Forensic Science, my Grandmother's murder was finally solved.

At the time Miss-D was only 10, none of my children knew that their Great Grandmother had been murdered...only that she had died. I could not imagine being a little kid and finding out that you live in a house where a horrific crime took place.

The day the killer was named there was a lot of publicity. I was warned by the Sheriff that the press would be all over me and that the best thing I could do was cooperate with them and then ask them to respect my privacy. I spoke to every member of the press that asked me to. I answered every question that I was able to. One of the TV stations wanted to come out to the house and get footage. I asked them very nicely not to...reminded them that they already had footage from the time of the murder...and explained that I had young children who I did not want to expose to this.

I picked the FlyingMonkeys up early from school, resigned to the fact that I was going to have to tell them what was going on. As we pulled up to our driveway I saw the news van...and the arsehole reporter filming. I had them leave...immediately.

That night Rob and I sat down with the kids and told them what was going on. I had checked them out of school because I was afraid that some idiot would spill the beans...I wanted to be the one to tell them. I also wanted to tell them as little as possible about it. I only told them that she had been murdered and that the bad guy was dead.

We were able, until yesterday, to shield them from the gruesome details. This is amazing when you consider that the idiot reporter not only filmed my house that day but my mailbox...complete with address...and ran this over and over on TV and had it on the news station's web page.

There were a lot of details that I never wanted the kids to know about...hell I never wanted to know about them. Early in the investigation of her murder some of the parties involved had very loose lips...

Yesterday at school a teacher asked Miss-D about her name. Said that it seemed familiar to her....One of the children in class stood up and blurted out the information about my Grandmother complete with a detail that I was unaware the general public knew.

Last night I noticed that Miss-D had gone to bed early...I knew something had to be going on. I found her in tears. She had Googled my Grandmother's name and found a multitude articles about the murder. She wanted to know why I didn't tell her that my Grandmother had been raped. Why I didn't tell her that the guy twisted a coat hanger around her neck...Why anyone would do that to a sweet little grandmother....

She was angry, sad, sick.....When I tried to explain things to her she couldn't understand why I was so calm. I told her that I had 14 years to adjust to this and that she had only had hours...that I understood why she was so upset.

I had to tell her what my Mom told me when this happened...that the police believed that she was unconscious during the worst parts of her attack....I told her, I swore to her, that this was it...that there was no worse secret that I was keeping from her...

She didn't sleep much at all last night.

15 years ago the news of the world was like white noise for me. I would hear about a murder and feel badly for the family but then got on with my day. After what happened to my Grandmother things are different. I hear about a murder and I wonder if their family will be huddled around the table drinking coffee and trying to figure out what to do like ours did. I wonder who will be answering the incessant phone calls from freaks that want to know the dirty details. How are they going to make burial plans while waiting for the police to release the body. How long will it take them to clean up the greasy finger print dust that seems to cover every surface of the house....

Since her murder I have been keenly aware of the damage that ripples through all of the survivors. Of the million ways if changes all of those lives. Miss-D was born almost 2 years after my Grandmother's death...and last night it smacked into her like a tidal wave...

So now I wonder. There are details that she does not know, details that were not in the articles and should not have been public knowledge, but may be. In the years that I have lived here I have had complete strangers in Wal-Mart ask me about things that made me want to vomit. Things they should not have known. So how long will it be before some dumbarse asks Miss-D about some of them? Maybe I should tell her...but I can't. Speaking those words to her would be like covering her in tar...an emotional beating...I can't do that.

My heart is heavy.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Basketball Jones

So the boys love the game NBA Jams. None of us play or watch basketball so I was surprised that Magnuts really took to it and became the undisputed champion...complete with trash talk. Well, kind of.....

A few days ago I was cooking and kind of listening to him play. I peaked my head in the room just in time to see his tallest player catch fire and make a 5 point shot from the hot spot....causing Magnuts to yell..."OH YEAH CHENILLE! BOO-YAA!"

What? Chenille? Poor Shaq.

This was almost as good as him yelling at his friends to come have a "cuddle up" between plays on the football field...

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Not So Slim Shady....


I made this soft little Mary Jane (it is about 3 inches long) out of this beautiful rose colored thread....it is very tiny thread and the hook is also very tiny. Really really tiny. I had an eye appointment right after I crocheted this shoe.

I loath going to the EyeDoctor. Don't get me wrong he is a really nice guy...it is the exam that kills me. It is 2008, can't we come up with something less annoying than:

Doctor: This one or that one...
Me: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Doctor: A or B, which one is better
Me: Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Doctor: *sigh* 1 or 2 which one is better
Me: THEY BOTH LOOK THE SAME!!! I CAN NOT TELL ANY FRICKIN DIFFERENCE....sorry about my breath by the way....

I am farsighted and needed a new prescription just for close up work...like knitting, crochet or reading. Based on the info that I never just knit or crochet...that I am also attempting to watch TV...it was determined that I could choose bifocals or those little glasses that I could slide far enough down my nose that I could look up and see over them. Oi.

I went with the totally sexy slide down glasses...much like the little reading glasses you could get at any drug store...except that one eye is +1.5 and the other is +2.75. Walmart reading glasses would have been cheaper...but they tend to get pissy if you start popping lenses out and swapping them around to suit your needs.

I had to wait until yesterday to pick up my new specs...I tried to hold off on making the other Mary Jane but couldn't. Consequently the new shoe is for some reason a slightly different size than the first. Lucky for me they are a very quick project. So I am going to make a new one today and if for reason I end up with an extra pair I am going to give them away to whoever would like them. So y'all let me know.

Finishing up about the eye doctor...I have brown eyes and they are very sensitive to the meds they use to dilate them. I do not really wear sunglasses and last year out of sheer vanity I left the EyeDoctor without the disposable ones. Spectators had to think that I had just lost my very best friend...I ran to the car, the sun causing tears to stream down my face and swear words from my mouth....head bowed fumbling with my keys. Finally closing my eyes trying to figure out a route to the closest drug store that would not involve my driving right into the sun.

This year I left the office rockin' the disposable shades...don't know if I have grown as a person or if I was just beaten down after selecting my new "bifocals"......

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Oh Baby!

Woman Runs Out of Time, Gives Birth In Pants


This woman actually gave birth to one of her twins before she could get her pants off...I do not own a pair of pants that I would not have sacrificed to have this speedy delivery.

There was also no amount of money I would not have offered whomever could have made the experience go faster...

The article does say that the paramedics had to cut her pant leg to remove the baby...just how skinny were her legs...for the love....

So here's to you skinny legged, twin having in your pants super mom...hope baby Kurt and Kurtis don't make you pay for their easy birth for the next 18+ years....

Monday, January 21, 2008

Dropping It Like It's IcyHot

The central portions of Alabama saw some snow this weekend. There were even times when the WeatherGuy suggested that even we might see a flake or two...it was not to be...and I was so disappointed. It was sick really. I was actually a little angry...but with who (told you I was sick)???? There is a city less than an hour north of us that was reporting around 5.5 inches by noon....NOT FAIR.


The part that made me feel the worst was that Magnuts has never seen snow in his life. The older two have but were so young I feel like their memories are actually more like stories just to irritate Magnuts.


At some point Saturday I remembered something my brother and I had done as kids. We were living in the hospital apartments where our Dad was finishing his medical training. Our parents were out of town and our cousin "Chucky" (yeah, he has posted on this site before...) was staying with us. Connected to our apartment complex was this enormous fenced in parking lot. It seems like it may have been at least as wide as a city block...and it was basically one giant asphalt hill.

We took the water hose and pulled it as far as it would reach into the parking lot...pretty far by the way, and turned it on. With careful management and glee in our hearts we managed to ice up the entire bottom half of the lot. We then took plastic hospital trays and sledded until we wore through the ice. When the asphalt started to show we just turned the hose back on. It was so much fun...or it was until armed hospital security showed up...and they did not have glee in their hearts. Apparently covering the parking lot in a 3 inch deep sheet of ice is frowned upon.


So, with that memory in mind I decided to try something like that here. The kids helped me keep up with the temperature all day and into the evening. It did not get down to freezing until after 9pm but was expected to stay at or around freezing for the next 24-36 hours. Around 9 I bundled up, grabbed a flash light and went out to see what I could make happen...for the children...yeah, right. We have a nice little hill right behind the house. My plan was to ice it up and let the kids slide down it. I got the hose and my little sprayer attachment. I set the hose to "mist" and propped it up so that it would be spraying the hill.

I checked it several times before going to bed and everything seemed to be going according to plan. This morning...not so much. The dang thing turned during the night and iced up the flat area before the hill.

**Note to self....a nerf football does not make a reliable prop.



Not exactly and ideal sledding surface...but it is perfect for causing me to bust my arse. I had just taken this pic...turned to go back inside...and WHAMMO right on the ground I went.

So it didn't snow, and we are not going to be sledding...and I may have sprained my wrist and hip in the fall....but...well....nothing.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Epilogue...

A little addendum...a month after we were married I was back at work and not feeling so well. So one day at lunch I, dressed in my BDU's (battle dress uniform), jumped in my camouflaged work truck and headed to the PX to pick up a pregnancy test. I returned to my unit and slipped into the Commander's bathroom to take the test.


When you work with nothing but men...perhaps taking a pregnancy test at work is not the best idea...especially if there is any chance it might come up positive. They did not react well when I emerged from the bathroom in a total daze holding a little white stick with a pink plus sign on it. It appears that a female holding a positive pregnancy test and wandering through the building in a fog freaks them out...big time.

Rob and I were both very happy...but I kept thinking..."How in the hell am I going to tell my Dad about this...He is a Dr. he is going to KNOW how this happened..."


Months later, after I was too large to fit into the Army's Maternity Battle Dress Uniform (yeah, that is funny no?), Miss-D was born...and my parents were smitten. Those two were made to be grandparents. As a matter of fact my Mom loves to tell people that had she known being a grandparent was so much fun she would have done it first.

****
I am so relieved that y'all seemed to like the Wedding Story....I thought it might end up being too long and a total snore-fest.

Hope you all have a great weekend!

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Wedding Story *Snort* Part IV

June 10th 1994


Friday, after Rob got off duty (duty...hee hee hee) we piled into the car and headed for Alabama. My parents were hosting the family reunion at their lake house and there were going to be A LOT of people there. We were both very nervous...

Rob kept asking me how many guns my Dad had...did he have a bad temper...had he ever actually killed a man....I tried to quell his fears so I told him that my Dad does carry a pistol for protection...but that it was not a big deal or unusual...that almost everyone in his office carried one...including my Mom. Funny how that did not make him feel any better....

We made a brief pit stop in Birmingham to see my friend Katfish...it had to have been around midnight and she and her friends met us at a gas station. I introduced all of them to Rob and then introduced him to them as my husband....you could have heard a pin drop. Then Katfish, never at a loss for words long, demanded that I produce a Marriage License. She thought I was pulling her leg...and hey, it would have been a good one. I had prepared for this contingency and happened to have a certified copy in the glove box.

I thought she was going to wet herself. She did recover well and there were hugs all around...until she noticed Rob's age on the license..."HE IS 18!!!!???? HE IS 4 YEARS YOUNGER THAN YOU?!?!? SON OF A ......OH MY LORD...." and then she laughed until I thought she was going to die. Then she apologized to Rob, between snorts, and told us good luck.


An hour or so later we arrived at the lake house. It was very dark and very quiet. We eased into the living room and found my cousin Andrew to be the only one awake. I couldn't resist telling him our news, here was his response:

"Great, that's cool, look what your Dad got today!"

It was at this moment that he produced a black case...a black case that held my Dad's brand spanking new giant Tech 9 automatic pistol.


We slept in separate beds that night, didn't want anyone to kill one of us before I could explain that we were married.


The next morning I was up early, and found my parents in the kitchen. I can not recall exactly how I told them that I was married but I do remember them asking me if I was kidding. They went off for a walk, I am guessing to talk privately about what a dumb arse I was, and I woke Rob up so that he could meet them when they got back.

My parents were very gracious about the entire thing...and I think Rob thought they were kidding when my Mom congratulated us but told him that she and my Dad have a "No Return Policy."

When people started arriving in droves for the reunion they had a great time shocking them by introducing my husband. It was trial by fire for Rob...I have a very large family.

So this June will be 14 years and I can without a shadow of a doubt that my family adores him...and so do I.

This is the "Happily Ever After...The End" part.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Wedding Story *Snort* Part III

You should know that Rideau was about 4 months pregnant...and was never without a giant bag of popcorn...my wedding was no exception.

Before the ceremony the Justice of the Peace got a folding chair for me...so I was sitting in this chair with my crutches in my lap, Rob was standing to my left looking down at me and Rideau was to my right stuffing her face with popcorn.


The ceremony began and I looked up at Rob...and realized that I could see directly up his nose. I was thinking, "Oh God... this is what I am going to remember about my wedding, Oh please don't let him have a boogie...." But Rob took care of that when he said, "With this Wing...."

Honeymoon at the Econo Lodge....

No family member or friend of mine from home knew that I was married. I called my parents and told them that I would be coming to the family reunion that upcoming weekend and that I would be bringing my "friend" Rob.

To be continued....

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Wedding Story *Snort* Part II

I had only been at Ft. Knox for a month or so when Rob came to see me. As soon as he got home from this visit he went to his Recruiter and told him that he wanted to go Active Duty but only if he got to choose his duty station. Rob ended up with 4 choices, Ft. Knox was one of them.


Several months later I was really glad Rob had moved to Ft. Knox when I had to have major ankle surgery that would put me out of commission for weeks. My major concern was that my room was on the 2nd floor of my building. After surgery I would not be able to get myself down the hall to the bathroom much less down 2 flights of stairs and over to the chow hall. Rob had a double room in his building and moved in an extra twin bed (one of the perks to being the Supply Sergeant) for me.


He took me to the hospital, stayed during the hours of surgery and after I was released he carried me up the 3 flights of stairs to his room and got me settled in the EXTRA twin bed (extra Mom, as in 2 beds). He worked in the basement and was able to come up every hour or so and help me to the bathroom and was also kind enough to bring me food. I don't know what I would have done without him.


After several days of this some of the other female soldiers started to complain. They did not like that I could use the female latrine and not have to participate in the cleaning party. Rob was told that I would have to go.


We decided to get married. Yeah, romantical no? I wish I could tell you that it was some big amazing thing that culminated in a proposal...


We had been talking about the possibility for weeks, it just seemed like the time was right. We are practical like that.


We spent several hours talking about it, what it would mean, how we felt about it. I had met his parents when we were in school...he had never laid eyes on mine. We decided to get married the next day...and not to tell our parents (yeah, what are we 12?).

He delivered me to my room that evening and headed back to his to make arrangements for the next day. Y'all are gonna love this....we were getting married on a Tuesday so he was going to need to ask for a long lunch. His boss must have been feeling generous because he let Rob have a half day. That's right... he worked until lunch, changed out of his uniform and was off to be married.

Rideau had taken half day so that she could be my Maid of Honor. She helped me into my fancy wedding clothes...a one piece skort with a single Ked on my non-casted leg.

Rob showed up right after lunch and the three of us piled into his car headed for the Justice of the Peace.


To be continued....

Monday, January 14, 2008

Wedding Story *Snort* Part I

A little background....Rob lived in N. Carolina and I lived in Alabama when we both joined the Army. For people who had never met our lives had an awful lot of similarities even then. We both:
  • tested into Military Intelligence
  • chose it as our MOS
  • were scheduled to spend a very long time at Ft. Wachuka, Arizona for MI school
  • decided not to wait 6 months for a school slot for MI and changed our MOS to Supply
  • left for Ft. Jackson for basic training at the same time
  • ended up at Ft. Lee for Supply School at the same time
****
November 1993-Ft. Lee Virgina

My buddy Rideau and I had just finished basic training at Ft. Jackson and had arrived in Virgina to begin training for Supply. Because Thanksgiving was only a few days away we were not able to start school immediately and were held up in the Reception Company. We spent a week helping decorate for Thanksgiving and getting used to the quirks of a new set of Drill Sergeants.

A few days after Thanksgiving a new group from Ft. Jackson joined us. Rideau and I were taking a break by the picnic tables when I first laid eyes on Rob. He had the most beautiful blue eyes I had ever seen...and a grin that made my toes curl.

A day or two later we were all bused to a new company to begin school. There were only about 25 of us in the class and we spent all day every day together. Really. We were up at 4am for physical training and spent the rest of the day together marching to school, eating, sitting in class and doing whatever strange chores the Drill Sergeants could dream up. We all got to know each other very well.

We figured out that the average couple dating might spend 12 hours a week together...12 hours of their best...best behavior, well dressed and smelling nice... We spent around 17 hours A DAY together...rarely at our best...It is damn hard to look cute grunting through your 5th set up push ups. At some point we figured out that us "dating" for one week was the equivalent of regular people dating for almost 10 weeks...

By Christmas we knew we loved each other...we also knew that in a few weeks we would be graduating from school and heading our separate ways.

That day came and Rob, who was National Guard, headed home. Rideau and I were both Active duty and a few hours after graduation we boarded a plane for Ft. Knox, Kentucky.

To be continued....

Friday, January 11, 2008

The One Where I Need Your Help...

I love to cook, LOVE it! However, Rob and MonkeyBoy are picky eaters and I am getting burnt out fixing the same old stuff day in and day out. So what I need from you are recipes for picky eaters. I would give you a list of things they won't eat but I don't have that kind of time, so here are the things that they will eat:

green beans
corn
potatoes
pork
chicken
beef
pasta
cheese

****I can get MonkeyBoy to eat broccoli and carrots but Rob is bigger than me and it is too hard to hold him down...****


They like onion flavor but hate the actual onion. The smell of cooking green peppers (0ne of my faves) makes Rob ill.

They like spaghetti, lasagna and pizza...but if I want them the way I like them (loaded with stuff) I have to make two different pots/pans/pies. There is no telling them to just pick it out.

I go to a lot of trouble to have family dinner every night... clean table cloth, matching serving dishes with the proper serving utensils (I want them to be able to identify a sugar shell, butter knife, etc..) and it is just getting to be tedious when the food is so boring to me.

They are willing to try new things...as long as it does not have stuff in it they don't like.

So I would LOVE for all of you to leave me ANY recipe you think might work for us. Don't sweat it if it is all long and complicated...I am all about a challenge...

So I am begging ya...help a Momma out....

Thursday, January 10, 2008

College/Bail Money

It was very quiet here yesterday. Almost like the FlyingMonkeys were not home...they were, but 2/3 of them were sitting VERY quietly in their rooms...grounded.
**
It was about 4pm and I was really busy in the kitchen cleaning and doing dinner prep. Magnuts was buzzing around me talking and I was doing that thing where I stay focused on my task and pick up about every third word he says just in case. Hey, don't judge...he will spend 20 minutes telling me about every single detail of the kid who got hit in the "crotchal" area during PE...down to the contents of his barf.

So I am buzzing around, Magnuts is talking, and a few key words set off my alarm:

I heard that noise in my head, the noise that you hear if someone rips the needle off of a record that is playing-WWWRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPP!

My oldest genius took the electric shocker to school...the same school that SUSPENDED MONKEYBOY PENDING SCHOOL BOARD HEARING for his illustrated guide to Mento/Coke bomb making.

Miss-D tried to play it all off telling me that it was no big deal. I lost my mind.

I told her that the school handbook bans all types of items. While I am not sure which category it would fall under that I was sure a toy that shocks the everloving crap out of you would meet the criteria for one if not all of the 3 biggies-Toys, Nuisance Items, and Weapons.

I went on to point out that a person who smuggles an item out of the house hidden in her purse KNOWS she is walking down shady street.

Then it was time to deal with the middle child....MonkeyBoy took "knowledge is power" to a whole new level - felony blackmail. He knew all about her little plan, realized the info was valuable, and threatened to tell me all about it if she didn't do what he wanted.

So it was quiet here at the farm, at least for a while......

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Ouch!

My ear/tooth/jaw hurts; the pain began several years ago. Sometimes I was just sure I had another ear infection, other times I felt like I must have a horrible cavity in one of my lower teeth...

I was hesitant to visit a dentist...about 11 years ago, while about 6 months pregnant an Army dentist managed to fulfil every horrible dental stereotype known to man.

Eventually the pain got to the point where I had no choice but to suck it up and see a dentist. I walked in telling them that I just knew I would need a root canal and pointed out which tooth was affected. They did all the X-rays and poked and prodded...the conclusion..perfect teeth, not even a cavity.

Finding out that I did not need a root canal was not as pleasant as you might think. If it was a bad tooth at least the problem would have been identified and then could be fixed. I have spent a good deal of my life being the medical mystery...fevers of unknown origin, extremely high white blood counts for no apparent reason. When I was 15 or 16 my tonsils became swollen and stayed that way for 6 months until the were eventually removed. I had every test known to man and no one ever figured out why they were enlarged and infected...antibiotics did not work. They biopsied the tonsils after removal and the lab results: "These are tonsils."

So I was not pleased to still be hurting and not know why. The dentist suggested that I see a medical doctor to have my ear checked...he also mentioned TMJ. My ear was fine and the pain continued. I decided to see a special dentist about the possibility of TMJ. The only one within an hour of my home told me that there would be a wait of several months...How about a big NO.

My Mom found me a great dentist in Birmingham, a 3 hour drive but worth every minute if I could find relief and a few answers.

Turns out it is not really TMJ but some kind of muscle thing. The dentist said that the muscles in my jaw are enormous, huge, freaky really. Through my entire visit he continued to say things like "WOW these are huge!" "Yah, you really have some muscle over here!"

God's cruel irony...the only toned well developed muscles on my body are responsible for all of the other sad ones and my "fluffy" appearance.

The dentist told me that stress is a major cause of my pain flaring up. I do not consider myself stressed. However, I woke up this morning with the inside of my cheeks torn up from grinding my teeth and a wanking bad pain in both sides of my jaw and one ear. So I am off to chuck down a few Motrin and lay on a heating pad...

That is all.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Fore!

Magnuts and MonkeyBoy each got a really nice set of golf clubs from Santa. Every afternoon they both love to go into the front yard and pop a bucket of balls into the front field. Their golfing styles are totally different...

MonkeyBoy carefully places a tee, lines up his shot, takes a few practice swings and then finally makes his shot.

Magnuts...not so much. Have y'all ever seen Happy Gilmore? Picture him at 8...Magnuts walks up to a pile of balls and just starts pounding them...No tee, no practice swing and lots of yelling.

Last night Rob told me that Magnuts was dropping the balls and then smacking them over the fence (100+ feet) with a 7 iron...I had to go see it for myself...

video

I could not believe that he could do that, smack that ball over the fence before it ever touched the ground!

Clearly, Magnuts is passionate about all things ball....

Monday, January 7, 2008

Oi.

Friday, as we were going in to pick up a few pizzas, I heard MonkeyBoy talking to his brother and friend...

MonkeyBoy: "I have decided to have my midlife crisis at 21...that way I can go ahead and buy my red corvette and not look like a tool."

This is the same child who decided that at 21 he would become best friends with someone 18 so that he could have a built in designated driver for the next 3 years....He later amended this to an 18 year old girlfriend...two birds with one stone and all...

Friday, January 4, 2008

Chili Dog

Meet Magnuts' best friend...Chili Dog. It was 17 degrees yesterday morning and she was not budging from under my covers...This is the look I got when I returned from dropping the FlyingMonkeys off at school:



Chili is 3 years old and sleeps about 20 hours a day...consider this an action shot since her eyes are open. More often than not I have to make my bed up with her still buried deep in the covers...it looks really nice with the dog shaped lump right in the middle. If she gets a little warm she sticks one end of her body out...lucky for you, this morning she chose her better end.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

I am back.

This is my first Christmas as a blogger and blogging kinda fell by the wayside. The FlyingMonkeys got out of school the 14th of December and finally go back today. In the "good old days" my Dad said that Christmas break was "a week to wait for your toys and a week to break them." This has been a long long break.


On a brighter note, Magnuts did get the Electric Shock game. Let me just say for the record that 3 AAA batteries can light your arse up. After he opened it we popped the batteries in and started playing. Magnuts beat Rob and then moved on to whip his cousin Andrew...his 28 year old cousin Andrew. He was undefeated...the men could not make it past round 6. I then challenged my Dad. We were the first to make it all the way to round 10...and we squirmed and gasped the whole way. Later in the day I looked at the bottom of one of the controls and was "shocked" to read: "THIS IS NOT A TOY. NOT FOR USE IN CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 14. PEOPLE WITH HEART PROBLEMS SHOULD NOT USE THIS DEVICE...."

I am a genius.



In other news....MonkeyBoy had been asking for a Wii as a family present. He had been extolling its virtues since late August. I told him that they could not be found..unless you were willing to sell organs to pay the pirates on EBay. He was talking about it at the lake and my Mom overheard him and asked him "What was that game you were talking about...a "They"?" He rolled his little blue eyes and told her...slower and louder..."Moppy, it is a Wii...a Wii, not a They..." and proceeded to explain more than anyone on earth would ever need/want to know about them. At the time that this occurred my Mom had already purchased, wrapped and placed a Wii under the tree for the kids...she just loved "giving him the business" and continued to do so until Christmas day.



All and all a good time was had by all. I hope you all had a wonderful holiday!