Friday, June 29, 2007
Tonight our first game is at 8pm, in a city an hour away. The hosting city has decided to charge $5 per adult and $3 per child.....per game....I feel like I should just walk up to the gate and bend over. Keep in mind this could go on until the middle of next week....
We have also got Magnuts "hotel" party this weekend. So the next week or so will probably be very busy for all of us. I am going to take a little bloggy break in order to head off a Mommy breakdown. Plus after I get done paying for all of the All Star games I probably wont be able to sit down anyway.
Will be checking in....don't forget about me!
Thursday, June 28, 2007
SHUT UP! I CAN NOT BELIEVE IT!
Ok, I have calmed down...I am so pleased that she enjoys my humor and appreciates the S.L.U.T.S. shirt...it takes a special person... Seriously, I am the Queen of the run-on sentence, have the spelling ability of a newborn, and an unholy love of the ellipsis. Anyway, I love her blog. One post will have me choking on my coffee laughing, another will touch me deeply. It is a wonderful combination of the humor, anxiety, sadness and joy that come with being a Mom. Thanks again Mrs. Schmitty.
OHHHHHHH, the hard part, picking JUST 5 to pass this on to.
Anne Glamore over at My Tiny Kingdom. This is the VERY first blog I ever read and it is great! When you visit you MUST read this post: It's Natural But It's Rated R I laughed until I thought I would be sick......**Mrs. Glamore does not know me from Adam, so I hope that this does not freak her out, and end with a restraining order....just sayin**
Margaret of Just Me. Love her! I nominate her in spite of the fact that I am still jealous that she got to go to MamaDramaConQueso and I didn't.
Mrs. Flinger - the picture from yesterday's post alone qualifies her for this nomination. Also anyone who calls a "binky" a snooze button Rocks!
Auburn Gal Always - Another southern Girl , and more importantly an AUBURN girl! Y'all really should check out her latest story about Bob, bwhaa haa haaa......War Eagle!And last but not least, MommieBear2 of Who Cries Over Spilled Milk. If you have ever had the to Pee or not to Pee in the pool discussion she is your girl. Also if anyone needs advice on removing a bubble gum booger she might have answers...Love it!
Now that I have had the chance to do this I TOTALLY understand why the others who have been nominated talked about an honorable mention list.....This was hard to do, however it reminded me that I need to update my Morning Coffee list.....
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
When the Reptile Guy started talking about the 6 types of venomous snakes that can be found in Alabama a little bitty girl in the front row piped up, "My Uncle killed a rattlesnake with his gun." I thought Reptile Guy was going to stroke out on the spot.
We also learned that ALL lizards have ears and eyelids, then we were asked what this was:
If you said snake then you are wrong...this is a glass lizard. Honestly, there is not a chance in hell that I am going to get close enough to this thing to check for tiny little ears and eyelids. While the Reptile Guy was blathering on and on about this alleged "lizard" I happened to hear the guy behind me whisper to one of the other fathers - "Once you cut it's head off its snake." Glad Reptile Guy didn't catch that one....
Then of course we got to the venomous snakes of Alabama, more specifically the Coral snake. Reptile Guy went over the rhyme - Red next to yellow = will kill a fellow Red next to black = friend of Jack. The little girl with the snake killing uncle screams, "Who's Jack?"
When it was time to bring out the animals Reptile Guy goes over a list of rules. His #1 rule, and I quote, "All of the animals I brought with me today are ALIVE, so when I take them home with me this afternoon they need to still all be ALIVE." Huh, wonder what happened to make this rule #1?
The FlyingMonkeys all touched the animals, a king snake, a glass lizard and 2 different kinds of salamanders....When Miss-D was holding this enormous salamander the Reptile Guy used a spray bottle to wet the thing.....Miss-D freaked and just about launched the salamander to the ceiling. Reptile Guy dropped the water bottle, started flailing his arms like some crazy human windmill and said something like this: "Bah daaahda gaah nooooooo ugg." Guess the reason for Rule #1 is starting to become clear.
When it was time for the FlyingMonkeys to hold the snake I had to make a point, "You can touch this snake but NEVER EVER touch or get near one in our yard. Not even if you are just checking for eyelids and ears, DON'T GET NEAR IT."
I guess Reptile Guy thought I was a little harsh/crazy, but I bet he did not find this in his yard last summer:
This rattlesnake was less that 15 feet from our back door. It was in an area that the kids normally play; and it was coiled to strike.
**On a side note-Mr. No Shoulders will continue to move even after it is dead, there is no need to keep screaming and shooting.**
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
As a college girl Family Tradition was often a late night party favorite. It was usually played after the super drunk guy had hugged every stanger and told them "I LOVE YOU MAN!," but before he threw up because he realized his beer bottle had a ciggy floating in the bottom.
We had our own refrain to this song......a refrain that I added to the song as I was listening to it in the Minivan, with the kids. Windows down, music loud (helps blot out the "Mom he is touching me"):
Hank, why do you drink? "TO GET DRUNK"
Hank, why do you roll smoke? "TO GET HIGH"
Why must you live by the songs that you wrote "TO GET LAID"
OH SHITE! "No, kids Hank gets paid, paid .. and he is high on life, NO! I said skunk, I don't know QUIT TALKING! Where is the Tylenol?!"
Monday, June 25, 2007
Sunday, June 24, 2007
During our final bivouac one of our Drill Sergeants had a truck, he had it because every day he had to drive back base to take tests, he would rejoin us at night. This Sergeant was a pretty good guy, well as far as Drill Sergeants go, but he was absolutly hopeless in the dark. Hellen Keller had better night vision.
Every morning we rose before dawn, collapsed out tents and covered them with leaves. In the evening, before it got dark we had a brief oppertuninty to re-erect them. On this evening I put mine back up and then noticed that the Drill Sergeant was not back from base yet. Rather than having to listen to him hisss my name as he wandered blindly through the woods like a lost drunken bull I went ahead and set it up for him. It had gotten really dark by the time I was finishing his tent, and when I leaned in to grab the poles I banged my knee on something really hard. I finished the set up and zipped his tent shut.
I had phone duty this particular night, basically you sit on your butt and try to stay awake for 4 hours. Late, late into the night I hear my Drill Sergeant thrashing through the woods, I found him and lead him to his tent.
I watched him climb into his tent and zip it shut. A few minutes later I heard a "Tchaaa" sound and his tent became a giant orange fireball. He was screaming my name and trying to stand. He made it to his feet, the little tent pegs were no match for him. The tent was draped over his head; he looked like a giant camoflaged ghost. Because I am not insane, I made tracks; though thinking back on it, his night vision was crap before the explosion he couldn't have found me if his life depended on it.
He eventually settled down, I don't know how long that took because I was far far away. He really couldn't do much to me, that thing that I banged my knee on, it was a big contraband gas lamp. That little bump of the knee turned the gas on, with that tent all zipped up one strike of a match and........
You know that thing people do when they laugh at a time when they really shouldn't? You know like in the middle of a church service or whenever a man gets hit in his man-parts? I fought this urge every time I saw him until graduation. He walked away from the "explosion" minus every hair on his head, not lash or eyebrow in sight. Every time I saw him Pink Floyd songs started playing through my mind....no eyebrows.....so funny......looking.......bwaaa haa haa......
Saturday, June 23, 2007
I want one in my size that does not require a pick-up truck and a wench to put on.
I do not want to fool with 8 hooks in the back.
I do not want shoulder straps that are 3 inches wide.
I would like a bra that offers support that does not leave me looking like I have two torpedos strapped under my shirt
If I have to wear underwire I would love it if the stupid wire would stop breaking in half and stabbing me in the ribs
I would love a sports bra that did not mush the girls together into a freaky UNA-BOOB
I am just sayin........
Friday, June 22, 2007
The field in front of him would be the last known location of the male goats....
I let each child choose their "birthday dinner." Years ago MonkeyBoy wanted, and I quote, "a platter of scambled eggs, a platter of jelly toast, and a platter of spagetti." He ate a huge plate of spagetti (not just pasta, but pasta with meat sauce) with a generous side of scrambled eggs and jelly toast..blech...
Magnuts wanted cookies, chocolate chip cookies....So I made 80 mini cookies, by made I mean-pulled them apart and threw them in the oven. I also brought chocolate cupcakes with sprinkles to his baseball practice last night. I was sure that after a diet of cookies with a cupcake chaser one of two things would happen: 1. He would engage in the technicolor yawn all over the pitcher's mound or 2. He would have the fastest lap time in the history of little league baseball.
Yes, Coach T. you are welcome............
Thursday, June 21, 2007
As we are pulling into the parking lot I hum a few bars of:
I'm a goofy goober Yeah, I'm a goofy goober Yeah
The back seat will erupt into "MOM pleeeeeeeeease don't do that." Apparently my singing in public or even almost in public is absolutely horrifying to them! YEAH! So I ran with it...
If we are walking by the toothpaste and Magnuts decides to irritate Miss-D, Momma's gonna sing a little ditty about how we Neeeeeeeeed some Shampoopoo, yeah some shampootie, shampoopie....
MonkeyBoy pinches Magnuts-well it is time to sing about why he can not try the sample of turkey jerky.....He'll get the run, run, run run he'll get the runs.... If the pinch left a mark I may throw a little hip action into the song.
I now have the best behaved children in the store! I am still working on what I like to call the "Nuclear Option," you know, just incase I ever need to step up my game. So far it involves me standing in the middle of the produce aisle, holding a cucumber like a microphone and belting out an aria about tampons and butt cream.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
He plans to crack it open and screw with it guts until it does freaky shite that it was never intended to do. Like when he "fixed" my old TIVO. By fixed I mean he made it so that he could log on to it from WORK and scare the crap out of me. I would be folding laundry and a TIVO message would pop up, "Hey Babe, watcha wearing?" If that was not enough to give me a heart attack, he could also change the channels.
I finally had to lay it out for him, "Do you really think I am going to let you mess around with a BRAND NEW VERY EXPENSIVE Christmas present????? So he pouted and buried his head in his laptop...guess what he was looking at? Ways to screw with the Wii-
Did you see her bowl! Bwhaaa haaa haa!
I know its funny, but folks this is a slippery slope....he is already looking for ways to "adjust" a toy we don't even have yet.....Do they make a little Wii lock?
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Can you tie them in a knot
Can you tie them in a bow
It will need to be mounted on top of my moniter and wired directly into my breast protecting laser desk beam. And just to be sure that I don't pinch the ever-loving crap out of myself again, I am thinking I should add some kind of audible, something with the volume of an air horn.......
Monday, June 18, 2007
So with that in mind consider this:
With the proper trajectory the bream could clear the power lines and land right in the middle of the lake.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
1. lack of fan noise wakes me up
2. I stagger to the kitchen, in the DARK, find phone from 1970's and attempt to locate phone jack
3. find number, call you, listen to insipid recording
4. return to bed and wait, while snoring husband annoys the hell out of me
5. begin to sweat, house becoming hotter than 40 hells
6. smack husband because there is no white noise to even take the edge off of the wall shaking snoring
7. power eventually comes back on, reset clocks so that the flashing 12:00 will not be burned into my retinas
8. attempt to go back to sleep
9. Answer phone 10 minutes after I have gotten back to sleep only to discover it is a FRICKIN recording from YOU letting me know that the outage has been fixed.
10. wake up to no coffee because while I remembered to reset the time I was too out of it to remember the brew timer. Yeah, that one could be my fault, but it still hacks me off.
Pissy and sleepy,
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Well that has come back to bite me in the arse. I got a frantic e-mail yesterday; apparently the coach had been trying to get in touch with me for a few days. Practice started Tuesday. We are going to have practice EVERY night from 6-8:30pm, except on Sundays and Wednesdays.
Where we live Wed. and Sun. nights involve church. Not for us Episcopal heathens, but for most. Hell, in my county we can not even buy alcohol on Sunday. That can be hard on the poor planners. You know what they say about Episcopalians, where ever you find 4 of them there is always a 5th.......
Back to baseball. Our first practice was Thursday night, at which time we were informed there would be a tourney the NEXT night, starting at 7:30pm in another city! Double elimination, we could be there until midnight.......Is it tacky to take a flask?
Friday, June 15, 2007
Every part of the Vulture is black, "Shut up!" you say, "the legs are clearly white." No my friend, that is bird poo. Vultures cool themselves by pooping on their legs (whatever gets you through the day my feathered friends). They can actually aim for each leg.....Don't know why this reminds me of that episode of Friends when Monica got stung by a jelly fish.
They also brought a falcon and a hawk. They got the hawk from a guy who thought he had killed it with his truck. He was driving down the road and it crashed into him. He pulled over and picked it up (BTW- the guys from Auburn told us that doing that is illegal) thinking it would be cool to show his kids. He got home and put it in his laundry room, less than an hour later it revived and went insane. He did manage to recapture the bird and get it to the raptor center. Good thing it wasn't the falcon, they have been clocked at over 220mph.
They had some really cool owls, but the best was Tiger. The golden eagle that is the mascot for Auburn. That was a big frickin bird! She was actually nuzzling the chest of the guy holding her, had she been so inclined she could have ripped his face off.......
*****Side Note: I know that the posts are going up later and later in the morning. The FlyingMonkeys don't have to get up early so I am no longer forced to arise at the butt crack of dawn.*****
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Magnuts knows what his bloggy name is, so do his siblings.... 2nd mistake. They were giving him a hard time about it, so he came running to me, "MOM, I want their names to be Merve the Perve and Mork the Dork"! Ok, so no.
They have all seen the list, oldest child suggested for herself James Blond. I pointed out that she is a girl and that she is not blond. So she fires back, "Jaime Blond." I again draw her attention to the fact that she is not blond. She retorted, "sometimes I act like one." Touche, game, set, match.......
So she has decided that she can live with.....Miss-D, Miss-Drama. The following will help you understand why this is such a perfect choice for her:
Years ago she told me that something horrible was going on. My Mommy radar went up, and fast. All evening she cried and told me she just couldn't talk about it. My stomach was in knots, I am sure you can imagine all of the things running through my mind. So this went on and on, me begging, pleading for her to just tell me. I told her that everything would be ok, that I would protect her, that no one could hurt her. Finally at 1:30 in the MORNING she said, "Ok, but you can't tell anyone, I think that I might be psychic." She is lucky to be alive.......
Middle Boy has selected the name MonkeyBoy. This is a child that can do back flips off of the end of our sofa. He has climbed every tree in the yard, and his grandmother has been known to use the alias MonkeyJones....(Jones is not her real last name...)
Thanks for all of the suggestions, and now that you know how perfect Miss-D's new name is, perhaps you are even adding me to a prayer list.......
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Yeah they got jokes, but they still need names. I am liking the "M" thing, and I have been talking about it with the Monkeys. Middle boy liked the combo of Blue Magician, I told him that was too much to type every time he did something goofy, but maybe we could do initials.....BM....errrrr, not.
I also liked TAB, really I liked them all. Now I just need to narrow it down. So here is the list so far:
For soon to be 11yo son: The Magician, Merlin, Monkey Boy, Blue-Boy
For the 12 1/2 yo girly: CC-Chatty Cathy, Chatty Girl, TAB-take a breath, Speakeasy, Missy, Miss-M
So today we shall discuss, maybe someone will post an addition to the list, tomorrow they shall be named.
Thanks to all who posted ideas! If you have not posted an idea feel free to do so now......
Monday, June 11, 2007
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Little Man - a kid in 3rd grade with my daughter:
The little boy told me that his younger sister had been driving him nuts, so he stole her baby doll. Based on his description this was no delicate little dolly, think large and industrial plastic. He walked through the woods to the train tracks and laid the doll on the rail. He said he did not have to wait long for the train and that its whistle was the last thing he remembers. His next memory was of his parents freaking out. Well yeah?! The pressure from the train shot the dolls head right off of its body, hitting little man right between the eyes, knocking him out cold. I believe, and he was not clear on this, but when asked how much trouble he had gotten in, he mumbled something about "paddle" and "got a running start at my...."
From 9 year olds - Girly A and Girly B:
Girly A is spending the night at Girly B's house. Girly B's parents are out for the evening and have hired a babysitter. A poor unsuspecting, never to be the same again, babysitter. At some point during the evening they decided to make prank calls. Out of curiosity they decide to "holla" at 911. Well, Girly A dials the phone, and Girly B puts the receiver up to her ear just in time to hear...."911 What is your emergency?" In a moment of panic Girly B answers the operator.."There is a dead body in the house." and then slams the phone down. Now they are both in a panic, and they loose it when their phone immediately started ringing. Neither girl had the guts to answer it. It rang and rang and rang, I am guessing that emergency services were being dispatched.....Finally the babysitter answers the phone. She hears words that must have taken 10 years off of her life, "Mam, we have a report of a dead body at this address............."
I have no idea what kind of trouble they got in, I got a mental picture of the babysitter's face and laughed until I couldn't breathe.....dead body in the house.....bwaaa haaaa haaaa
Saturday, June 9, 2007
Me: "Sure, I'll let you live"
I miss you so much. I knew our love affair was coming to an end. All of the signs were there, awards day, turning in of the books, the giant padlock on the gate.....
I thought this summer would be different, but my friends Summer Reading Program and Baseball All Stars have really let me down. I don't want to seem all needy and stuff, but really don't the words "Year Round" mean anything anymore?
Friday, June 8, 2007
I kept looking at these and shaking my head. I just could not understand why they would be in such high demand. Finally, about a year ago, I was in the car with my Mom, and there they were again. I looked at her and said, "I understand about liking tennis and all, but really, how many people have their own courts and are serious enough to need or want a line judge's chair?"
She is still laughing..........
In my defense, I don't hunt, and the ones I kept seeing were not cammofladged, still, duh....
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Remember when we first got married and you filled out your life insurance policy so that I was the beneficiary? And that same night I fed you bloody chicken......good times....
Or how about the day our first child was born? The Army Barber with the hook shaved your head to the skin while I was getting the epidural. When after what seemed like 10 years she was actually born, and yours was the first face she saw.
The day we moved into our first apartment in Germany, how that night after finally getting both kids settled down we simultaneously realized that it was our anniversary and laughed our butts off.
When Magnuts was born, and we laughed at the lady down the hall who kept screaming "Fabio, Fabioooooo, Fabiooooooo."
The next two years sucked. You being deployed to Kosovo right after Magnuts was born was not part of our plan.
Then you came home and our life was good. I will never forget how hard you worked for our family, full time student, full time job, National Guard, full time Daddy, and worlds best Husband. How you graduated in 3 years, Magna, is beyond me, I am so proud of you.
I know how lucky I am, not everyone gets to be married to their best friend.
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Every time I think of this story the Christmas song "Oh Holy Night" runs through my head, kinda. My version goes a bit like this: "Oh holy crap, my butt is surely hurting....."
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
If I worked there it would seriously piss me off, it would be like watching one of my children throwing all of their clean clothes on the floor. I am getting worked up just thinking about it....
Magnuts can go through an entire shelf and not come up with one he wants to take home. It looks like a little tornado blew through the Goosebumps section, and it makes me feel like like that friend....You know that friend, the one who brings her kids over, and they manage to get out every toy in your house, and then they leave.
So I just don't get how they can be checking out our books, with huge smiles on their faces, look at what we just did to your library! Seriously, NO ONE can be that nice, they have to talk about us when we leave...I would.....
Monday, June 4, 2007
There is just something so cool about watching your brother sling your kids all over the lake in an innertube. Now, cause you gotta be safe and all, we have "Big Bertha" innertubes. They are huge and padded and have handles and all of that, back in the day we had the real innertube. Old school, black right out of a truck tire, with a 4 inch stem, tied to the back of the boat with a rope. When you got on that thing you made damn sure it was stem side down. The new ones may be more comfortable, but they are hard for a kid like Magnuts, who weighs 50lbs soaking wet, to keep them on the water. He was bouncing his little brains out and grinning like a lunatic the whole time!
The kids all know the signals, you know thumbs up means faster, thumbs down means slower, but Magnuts kept poking his thumb out to the side. He says that means go "medium speed", duh....
Also had the opportunity to clue my brother in on one of my favorite sayings, "just hold the legs." It is just the second half of the full saying, "I am screwing this chicken, you just hold the legs." This is a nice way to let someone know they have crossed the "helping you" line into being an asshat who is pissing you off.
Well all and all I must say that 36 beats the hell out of 18.
Saturday, June 2, 2007
One day I noticed this very special car parked in front of the trailer, a car that no words could do justice. I needed a photo, it was the only way for people to understand how truly "special" this car was.
It would appear that this "ve-hick-al" has been "muddin" (translation for my Northern friends: muddin - verb - taking a vehicle to a remote location to spin and slide in a giant pit-o-mud, until you get stuck. At which point you and your drunken friends will be forced to sleep in said vehicle or hike the 12 miles back to your dorm/house because you are too far out for your cell phone to work, or too far gone to make it work).