Sunday, December 23, 2007
On an aside....have y'all seen this:
It is the "Electric Shocking Duel" and is exactly what it sounds like. Each player grabs a joystick and the fun begins. The first round delivers a mild shock and if both players manage to retain their grip round 2 begins. With each round the intensity of the shock increases. The player to hold on the longest wins. I want one.
These next few days are my favorite of the year and I am enjoying every minute. Tonight we will be at my parent's house...good food will be eaten, a fire will be burning and we will all enjoy being together. I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and I will be back soon!
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Friday, December 7, 2007
"The word of the day is simian."
Only she pronounced it SIM-MAYAN
MonkeyBoy choked, excused himself, and checked his dictionary to make sure that there was not some secondary accepted pronunciation that he was unaware of. There was not. She repeated the word all through the day...MonkeyBoy almost wet himself.
Culling the nuts...a term our school system should really familiarize themselves with...
Thursday, December 6, 2007
MonkeyBoy is convinced that she is in love with him....I asked him what evidence he had to back up this little theory. This was met with eye rolling and these words "Mom, girls are always mean to the boys they like....don't you ever watch cartoons anymore..."
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
I have a huge case of Christmas fever and am really behind on all my blog stuff...especially reading and commenting on the 1 billion sitting in Google reader....
I am trying to get my non-virtual chores done before I dive into that pool..
Back soon...I only have 8 days left to shop while the FlyingMonkeys are still in school....
Monday, December 3, 2007
I noticed a piece of paper sticking out from under my seat and was stunned to discover it was an internal dealership memo. A memo that details the way that they want the salesman to screw you on your trade in!!!!!!
It is one thing to suspect they are messing with you, it is another entirely to see their methods detailed on paper. So...if you are planning to trade in a vehicle make sure you read this first. Pay special attention to the 2nd to last statement on the second page.
***I typed these two pages EXACTLY as they were printed....so the grammatical errors below are for once not mine***
TRADE EVALUATION PROCESS
1) PRAISE THE TRADE UP UNTIL PAPERWORK STARTS
00A) CREATES ANTICIPATION OF GOOD DEAL FOR CUSTOMER
ooB) BUILDS REPORT WITH CUSTOMER
ooC) IF YOU LIKE THE CUSTOMER'S CAR THEY WILL LIKE YOU
2) DO SILENT WALKAROUND WITH CUSTOMER
ooA) DEVALUES TRADE IN CUSTOMER MIND
ooB) ALLOWS TIME TO GATHER EXTRA INFO ABOUT TRADE AND CUSTOMER
ooC) KEEPS CUSTOMER INVOLVED IN SALE
3) COMPLETE ENTIRE FORM
ooA) USE CLIP BOARD
ooB) WRITE LEGIBLY
ooC) WRITE DOWN TAG INFO
ooD) ASK CUSTOMER RATE TRADE
CUSTOMER TRADE IN EVALUATION SURVEY
Get a clip board and get a trade in evaluation form. Never do without a clipboard.
Salesperson walks around the trade-in with customer.
SP: "Let me see the keys to the car you are selling us, my manager wants me to ask you a couple of questions about the care and maintenance of your vehicle."
Sales person touches every door ding, crack on the windshield, faded paint, bald tires and body damage. Open the trunk and look at the spare and jack.
Write the problems all over the evaluation.
You need to ask the customer all of the questions on this form.
Even if their ashtray is filled with cigarette butts still ask them if anyone has ever smoked in their vehicle.
"Did you buy this vehicle with the Alabama Environmental Protection Package?"
Get estimated payoff initially and then call and get a exact payoff from the lender when it is available.
After you ask all of the questions ask the customer "On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your vehicle 1 being it does not run and 10 being brand new." If the customer says it is an 8 ask them "are you sure?" with some doubt in your voice. You always want them to rate their car a 7 or less.
Remember: You are trying to devalue their car without telling them that their car is worthless.
Some car salesman out there might read this and be hacked off...sorry, I have never bought a car that I felt like I paid too little for. So consider this a public service...if this little post can keep just one person's trade in rated at an 8 then I feel like it was all worth it.
Knowledge is power...yada yada yada....
Friday, November 30, 2007
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Well it is like this....Die Hard 4 is to an action movie as....
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
It all started about 5 months ago when we bought Rob’s new car. I believe I have illustrated my issues when it comes to buying a car…and that was a used car…with a new car everything is exponentially worse.
Picture if you will the mighty lioness, shaking prey in her powerful jaws until it is dead. It’s like that but with a 5 foot tall, fluffy mother of 3 instead of the lioness…and she is gripping the “prey” a good deal lower than their neck…and only “shakes” them until the salesman agrees to her terms/conditions. Once the salesman is on the same page as the “lioness” he is released…until the lioness realizes that there are no floor mats in the new car…
While the salesman licks his wounds the lioness gloats over her new floor mats, free tank of gas and the beautiful detailing job that had been done on the car….
This is not even the part where I poked the Beast….it came in the details. We were sitting with the finance guy finalizing the paper work when it happened…
FG: Ok…ummmmm….just a sec, I know the paper is right here somewhere (hard to flip through a thousand pages of paperwork when one of your hands is under the desk protecting your “crotchal area.”)
FG: Ok…here is the extended warranty…
FG: Alrighty…um…ah..ok..this is the form for Gap Insurance…a very valuable thing if you ever total the car…
Me: Do you see the word “sucker” written on my forehead?
Y’all, I know I have a problem…I do. I am one of those people that has trouble telling others “no.” I even have trouble expressing myself when I feel like I am being screwed around…unless it involves the purchase of a car. Something about that brings out the VERY worst in me.
So I poked the Beast a few months ago…it was nothing compared to what I did last Wednesday.
I was sitting in my Insurance Agent’s Office discussing my “new” car when these words came out of my mouth:
"What the hell, neither of us have had a ticket or an accident in the 13.5 years we have been married...raise that deductable...that extra $40 a month will make all the difference...."
Yes. I. Did.
Moral of the story:
Poke the Beast…hit a horse.
On a funny side note…Yesterday while Rob was on the phone with one of the 4 million people you have to talk to after an accident like that, our caller ID beeped. The display on the phone said, “Unavailable” and Rob clicked over. The conversation went a little something like this:
Caller: Yes, this is the Montgomery chapter of PETA and we are calling regarding a report of equine abuse.
Caller: We were informed that early this morning you struck and killed a horse.
Caller: Our information says that you hit the horse causing it to land on your hood, roll over your roof and then off the trunk into the highway. It further states that you then put your car in reverse and backed over it, put your car back in drive and ran over it again…
Rob: IS THIS FOR REAL??????
Caller: I assure you Sir that we take claims of animal abuse very seriously..
Rob: OK..WHO IS THIS???
It was my brother…and it was a good one….
(Just so you know…Rob only hit the horse once…and there was nothing he could do to avoid it…)
Hope you all have a wonderful and SAFE Thanksgiving!
Monday, November 19, 2007
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Thanks for all the kind words yesterday. At lunch I had to run back to the school to pick up MonkeyBoy. He had a fever and a tonsil that looks nasty.
At 3 I picked up Miss-D, she too was complaining of a sore throat. In an abundance of caution I will be driving the entire family to the doctor this morning. Rapid strep tests for the two with sore throats and staff swabs for culture for the rest.
Cross your fingers....
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Turns out what Dad called in was on the list of drugs the staff was sensitive too...yeah Dad!
I had research, I basically knew what I wanted and about how much it should cost. I even had financing already in place...should be easy huh? Not so much.
Here is how we started....
1. Pull into a dealership.
2. 5 feet into the lot salesmen begin zeroing in on us like short, pudgy, heat seeking polyester missiles.
3. I warn kids again not to make eye contact with them....
4. Maniacal salesmen have roped off used car section forcing us to park and walk if we want to check them out.
5. We rush from the car and head deep into the lot....they still follow, always staying a few cars behind...kind of like a police tail in a movie.
6. They get closer and closer...we know this not because we see them...but their unmistakable odor....Drakkar and Tic-Tacs...
7. We find a car that may meet our needs...but we don't know for sure because NONE of the cars are marked with price or mileage.....
8. Salesman materializes like the scary little kid in Salem's Lot....
I am sure you know the rest....They are having some kind of one day sale...gotta unload a ton of cars....even if the lose $....When they finally take a breath you find out that the only car you like is either too much, has too many miles on it or both.
Then you try to leave....this is when the taser would have come in handy.
This is basically what happened in every dealership we checked out. There were a few highlights...like when one of the female salesmen pulled her card OUT OF HER BRA and handed it to Miss-D....you should have seen her face! I told her that she should have just started screaming...perhaps that might have gotten the $ down a little more...
Then there was the one guy who had a car I was totally interested in...but he refused to allow me to take it to my mechanic before purchase. Perhaps in his little world that was normal and there was a chance I would buy it anyway....yeah...and maybe later a monkey will fly outta my butt.
Still no car...still looking....
Monday, November 12, 2007
What is that noise you ask...that would be my van. She made it for one last run to the school to pick up the FlyingMonkeys and then directly to my neighbor...who is also my mechanic.
Me: She is making this stutter noise...should I go get new plugs?
Him: Ahhhh, noooooo......see when you have antifreeze, oil and water coming up through this spot..
Me: Oh yeah...is that where you took the spark plug out?
Me: Crap, that can't be good....how about I go buy a new belt or something...what'ill that run me...
Him: Don't need a belt...
Me: How about some of that fancy name brand oil and antifreeze...yeah that would be good, and new plugs for good measure...new oil filter, air filter..
Him: Head gasket...
Me: I did not hear that...what about a new tire..I think I have enough for one of those..
Him: New gasket, really a new motor would be best...$1500 for a low mileage used motor + labor...
Me: LAAA LAAA LAAA LAAA LAAAA I AM NOT LISTENING TO YOU...I CAN NOT HEAR YOU LAAA LAAA LAAAA LAAAA
*In a movie this would be where TheGuy slapped me to stop my hysterical ranting*
So....I am looking for a "New To Me" used vehicle. I hate car shopping. Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate it.
I spent 3 days searching every car site on-line looking for something that fits our needs and budget. Then Saturday we piled into Rob's car at 8:30am and set off to "the big city" to look.
We got home around 5pm and I felt like I had been rode hard and put up wet. Even better...I am still looking.
To be continued.....
Friday, November 9, 2007
Customer Service Don'ts:
Bitter (Northwest) aside (Northwest) I have been the recipient of some of the best customer service on earth lately. Even the little things like -the McDonalds in our city has NEVER gotten our order right...until now. I ordered, paid and before I could get to the 2nd window to pick up our food the manager was leaning out the window holding it smiling at me...and...drumroll...everything was correct...I was so happy.
Then I found their web site. I contacted them and within an hour I had a reply...a reply from a real live human being, promising help and hence talking me out of my tree. Soon, I had in my hot little hands a way to contact their technical advisor.....she too was wonderful. Both of these ladies were everything that I did not expect...funny, helpful, and kind (they looked over the fact that I sounded like a raving lunatic). The technical advisor was prepared to walk me through the issue I was having.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Absolutely Bananas came up with this great idea! Real tips from real women...cool huh? For all the details on participation check out her site by clicking on the purty picture above...
And now...my tip:
Olive oil and sugar face scrub...
Right before your shower, in a small plastic (because this stuff is slippery..and so is whatever you end up putting it in...if I am going to drop it I would rather it be plastic...), mix about 1/4 granulated sugar and enough extra virgin olive oil to make a paste. In the shower...BEFORE you wash your hair or body (or you could end up looking like an extra from Grease), scoop out a nice glop of the stuff and use both hands to massage it into your face. Do this for about a minute and rinse.
I saw this on TV years ago. I seem to remember that the olive oil and the sugar have a mild chemical reaction that is beneficial to your skin...if only I could remember what... I can tell you that it will remove all of the dead skin and will leave your face smooth and pink.
Gotta get everyone up...the older two FlyingMonkeys AKA the non-quarantined, will be delivered to school as usual. Magnuts and I will then go straight to the doctor to see if we can find out why his chest seems insistent on producing the sound track for "Mucus-The Musical."
Wish us luck...
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
After a few dozen questions confirming my identity they asked the doozie....
CB: Uh...we have a question concerning your employment information
CB: It says here that you work 168 hours a week for a company called..........ummmm....Reevesfarm Family Planning and Management.
CB: Well....now....that would be a lot of hours, ummmm more than you can really work in a 7 day period. Did you calculate that on a monthly basis instead of a weekly basis?
Me: No, I work about 720 hours in an average month, a few more in December a few less in February.
****Note-this lady was really sweet and trying to be polite to the crazy lady who thinks she works every minute of the day...****
CB: Uh...well that would mean you work every minute of the day...when would you sleep?
Me: On average I get 7-8 hours of sleep a night....but I am always on call....at any moment I may be woken to attend to a business emergency.
CB: OK, well lets move along to your duties...."Provides the following services 24 hours a day: maid, chauffeur, chef, laundress, tutor, advocate, medical, coach, accountant, fashion consultant, decorator, party planner, police officer......"
She got pretty quiet at this point...and then...laughter. Not just her, but her female supervisor, they were both laughing their butts off.
CB: Sorry, this is great! We have never seen one like this before...Good for you!
Score one for the stay at home Moms....
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Once I get the Delsym cough syrup in him he is fine...It is all I can do to keep him from running around the house.and as a bonus he has a temp. of 102. Funny thing about that temp is that he does not seem to have one during the day...but about 6pm it cranks right up and he thinks it is hilarious...a get out of jail/school card if you will.
Monday, November 5, 2007
Speed Stacks Glow in the Dark StackPack with DVD-$29.99
I went to the web page to find out more information...there had to be more to this...nope. Essentially you get a set of plastic cups and a mat to stack them on that times you.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Gabriel and Ieuan Jones are identical twins who are apparently inseparable. At the 25th week of gestation their mother was told that Gabriel, while have the size of his brother, had heart that was 3 times normal size and that he would surely die in the womb. They told the mother that if by some miracle Gabriel survived to term that he would not live.
Their primary concern was that if Gabriel died in the womb it could lead to life threatening issues for his twin. The mother had to make a horrible choice...to let the doctors operate to end one baby's life in hopes of saving the other.
During the first operation the doctors attempted to cut Gabriel's umbilical cord....attempted and failed. The cord was too strong for them to cut.
The tried again...this time they cut the placenta in half hoping that when Gabriel died it would allow his twin to survive.
Imagine their surprise the next day when little Gabriel was kicking up a storm...bet they were not as amazed as when they discovered a short time later that his enlarged heart began to reduce in size or that Gabriel himself began to increase in size!
They are now both healthy happy baby boys...their mother says that the bond between them is incredibly strong...that they are often holding hands and that if one cries the other reaches out to comfort him....
Friday, November 2, 2007
It occurred to me that I have a wonderful way to find out all kinds of REAL information about toys....you guys! I will pass along information I have garnered over the years and ask questions about toys the kids are clamoring for. Hopefully you will have answers, insights and questions of your own.
I am doing this in hopes of avoiding a $50 dud...like the remote control helicopter MonkeyBoy got a few years ago. It was, according to the label, age appropriate...we charged it for hours and on its maiden voyage it crash landed and that was the ball game. We might have gotten more use out of it had we flown it in a room filled with bubble wrap....
Perhaps you have insight that can help another parent avoid a gift don't.....two years ago Santa brought the boys these huge remote control Hummers....They were made to be driven on all kinds of terrain....however....with two boys, two competitive boys, racing against each other was not enough. They tried to run each other off the "road," they rammed the cars together...While well built and living up to every claim in the ads...they were not designed for kids who want to crash them into things.
Cotton Candy maker...lets just say ...gift don't...and fire extinguisher do.
So what toys are your kids asking for that you need more info about? Commenters please feel free to answer other commenters questions...that is what this is all about!
So my questions this week:
Wii- we have a PS2 and an eyetoy...would the Wii be redundant? If you have one why do you love/hate it?
Children's Digital Camera-I am talking about one for a 4 year old...something with a decent sized "pre-view" screen...any ideas?
Fly Pen-seems cool but does having to have spend the money for the special paper and software make it not worth it?
Have a good weekend!
Thursday, November 1, 2007
I LOVE the FlyingMonkey's pediatrician...she is awesome. But for the last two months we have had issues getting their meds refilled. 2/3 of them are taking medication for their ADD/ADHD. This medicine can not be "called in." You must have a physical prescription in hand to get a refill. Their Dr. is an hour away and so each month I call the office to let them know I need a refill and they mail the prescription to me in one of the self-addressed stamped envelopes I provided.
Last month, for convenience I used a pharmacy I had never been to before. Long story short...it was a two day ordeal that culminated in the Pharmacist announcing to everyone in the store, including Miss-D that I was trying to pass fake prescriptions. I tried to defend myself, saying that there had to be some kind of misunderstanding...he just kept saying that he would not be filling my fake prescription...people were staring.
I was mortified, snatched the prescription away from the guy, went to Wal-Mart and had it filled and was on my way in less than 30.
Turns out that the Dr. was using new prescription writing software and the DEA number "may" be off my one numeral. That is what the pediatrician's office told me anyway. Even if that is true it does not excuse the Pharmacist's behavior...and I told the Corporate Office and the Board of Directors so in a strongly worded e-mail. They contacted me within 12 hours of me sending the e-mail and were very apologetic....even though, in their words- "I would love to explain how this could happen, but it is inexcusable..."
So now it is a month later. I called last Wednesday for their refill. It is now Thursday and still no prescription. Usually I call it in, it is mailed the next day, and I get it the day after that. We are now out of medicine. Completely out. For some reason I usually wait until the last minute to call in the refill...it has come down to the wire before....but we have never just been OUT. I was so proud that I remembered to do it "early"....the prescriptions should have overlapped by about 4-5 days.
Without their medicine they have to be watched more closely. They will accidentally throw their plates or silverware in the garbage can instead of just scraping them. One of them has been known to put their pants on backwards. I have to make sure that we have everything we need before leaving for school, and then check again when I drop them off to make sure they didn't leave anything in the car. I had to point out that while it was a good thing that one of them already had their shoes on....it would make putting on the socks they were holding tricky.
It is not fair to them. Had the two in question not already missed several days of school in the last 3 weeks because they were sick...I would have kept them home. I did send a note to the teacher explaining the situation and asking for understanding.
The mail gets here at 1pm....today will be 8 days since I requested a refill....keep your fingers crossed.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Our lovely Mayor decided a few years ago that kids should not trick-or-treat...he wanted people to attend school festivals and church carnivals. He did not ban trick-or-treating he only "strongly discouraged it." I, bucking the system, decided to boycott all that stuff and take the kids trick-or-treating. In 2 hours the three of them combined had collected 1 lifesaver peppermint...a pity peppermint if you will, that a nice old lady dug out of her purse.
This year I planned to fill their ghost & pumpkin candy buckets myself and then hide them for a spirited treasure hunt after school. That I can still do...but I hate that Rob will miss the family pizza/movie picnic I have planned.
It also stinks that he will miss the school's Fall festival tomorrow night. I am all about supporting the school by going...especially since they were kind enough to not have it on Halloween night.
Just an aside....If you are a school or a church and you choose to have your Fall/Halloween festival on Halloween night...suck it up and stop trying to change trick-or-treating to the 30th. If you are only worried about attendance have your thing a different night...if you are trying to make people choose then be prepared to accept their choice.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
I tried to get her to blow her nose....nothing. I took her outside and pointed her face right at the sun trying to get her to sneeze...just hacked her off. I told Rob that we would just have to take her to the emergency room.
To put his reaction in perspective I need to tell you that at this time we were living in Ft. Knox, and would be taking her to the Army hospital....a guaranteed 6-7 hour wait. 6-7 hours of sitting with a screaming pissy child, surrounded by other screaming pissy people.
Rob decided that we needed to try a few more things before surrendering ourselves to that particular hell. He tried to get her to blow, tried blunt tweezers....nothing worked. By this time she is thoroughly pissed, mucus running down her little red face...and I tell him again we just need to take her to the hospital.
But, no, he was desperate and had one more trick up his sleeve. He lay her down on our bed. Then he covered her nose with his mouth...and....sucked. I couldn't stop him before he did it, and was too busy rolling around our bedroom floor laughing to do anything to help him after he did it. Two of the little balls shot out of her nose and smacked into the back of his throat like two little booger covered spit balls. He was "aaaahacccckkkkking" and "snooooorrrrking" and dry heaving. Two down...eight to go.
So an hour later in the ER, I was still laughing, he was still green and clearing his throat. 3 hours into our wait Miss-D sneezed....Snow White was free...
**The moral of this story, as brought to us by my cousin the pediatrician...if you are going to suck things out of your child's nose...for the love..put some panty hose over your mouth to keep the booger balls at bay...**
Monday, October 29, 2007
MonkeyBoy: I am so excited, today is my computer day at school.
Me: Huh...bluuug, shunnou manouniii (coffee not working yet - but roughly translates to "What, huh, whataya mean")
MonkeyBoy: I get to look at different stuff, like National Geographic...
Magnuts: Nekid boobies!!!heee heee heee
MonkeyBoy: NO! Kid's National Geographic, gah.
Me: Huh, wha why?
MonkeyBoy: Well, if you are good you get to have a day when you get to use the computer like a ...
Miss-D: Dog treat.
MonkeyBoy: Uh unnnn....are you calling me a dog?!?!? If I am a dog and you are my sister that makes you a .....
Me: STOP. RIGHT. NOW.
Happy Monday to me.....
Friday, October 26, 2007
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway , because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the
shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she lept at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight"
syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight"
option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.
Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in
front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.
"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!
Thursday, October 25, 2007
After reading an e-mail about this post I feel I need to clarify....Miss-D is not some ticking time bomb. She was doing research to help her understand a person whose behavior is confusing to her. She was looking for common interests or anything that might help her understand why this teacher is so rude to her. We had a long conversation about how in the "grown-up" world sometimes people are just butt-holes. Nothing she can do about it, ride it out, keep her head down and the year will be over. Learning to deal with difficult personalities is a part of growing up and she is getting a crash course in it. I hope this edit clarifies things.***
Miss-D is learning how to live with a teacher who does not like her. She was mystified at the beginning of the year when her new science teacher (this would be the loon who had them picking aluminum cans out of the trash in the 105 heat) seemed to dislike her. She has never had a teacher who didn't love her...not because she is a suck up but because she is smart, doesn't disrupt class and can fix their computers.
New teacher...just doesn't care for her. At the beginning of the year there were tears of frustration; then she came up with a plan.
Plan A: Compliment her and be as helpful as possible (read: kiss bootie)
Plan B: Speak to the teacher after class and ask her why she does not like her.
Things had been OK for a while....but Miss-D has not been feeling well for the last week. Yesterday was her first day back and she was not feeling on top of her game. Apparently the teacher was rudely dismissive of her and it hit Miss-D pretty hard.
Last night I interrupted her mid-Google. She had already acquired a great deal of information about this teacher...to include, but not limited to-her home phone number, address, husband's name, pet's names, a list of previous employers.....
Miss-D may seem all sweetness and light...but apparently she reacts strongly to being kicked when she is down. I love the moxie...but had to put my foot down with the unsupervised Googling.
I am guessing that she is one lock of the woman's hair and a sewing needle away from having a very nasty voodoo doll....plan C?
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
I could just see the headlines in our paper: "Local Woman Julienned By Attic Fan"
Because I am a prudent woman I took a few steps back and observed it's progress from the boy's room. Magnuts was behind me and confirmed my suspicion that it really was louder than usual....I think, I couldn't hear him and his sign language is suspect at best.
It is dead, or I think we will be if we try to use it again. The AC is back on....
Monday, October 22, 2007
Even though kick-off wasn't until 5:30 I needed to be there at 3 to keep people from coming in without paying. At 3ish it was still in the 80s so I was a little tickled at all the folks bringing in blankets and heavy coats.....the low was only going to be 67!
It is so funny to me that the people who survive 6 months of sweltering heat each year will be the first ones to throw on thermal blankets the moment we get some relief. I was sitting there in shorts and a t-shirt perfectly comfortable....right next to people huddled together under blankets drinking coffee.
Seriously, I own 2 pair of long pants.
My windows are open and my AC is off for the first time since May. I have fans in the windows pulling in the nice cool air and the wonderful smell of my blooming Tea Olives. Heaven.....
Friday, October 19, 2007
This reminds me of another story that happened here a few years ago. A man had gone over to his elderly father's house to cut the grass and instead interrupted a burglar. He held the idiot at gunpoint and made him mow the lawn until the police arrived. This guy had the nerve to complain too.
What in the hell is going on with these people? You see it, you want it, you take it. Bull.
Several years ago a guy and his lovely girlfriend decided to break into our storage area, in broad daylight, and steal all of my Christmas stuff. Among other things they took the Christmas stocking my Mom made for me when I was a child. Consider this-with 5 people living in one house and our busy schedules we always have something around here that needs to be done. Also-our thief and his accomplice were both high on Meth; from what I understand that gives them an abundance of energy. I bet that with the help of my gun I could have gotten a LOT of crap done. I live a long way from the city...by the time the cops got here I could have had them clean the swamp the kids call a bathroom, bushhog the front field, and finish painting the kitchen.
Alas...I didn't catch them...and the swamp still needs to be cleaned.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
I hope you all get the exact same thing I have. I hope that your throat turns into a mucus waterfall and feels like you swallowed razor blades. I hope you pass it along to everyone you sell or use Meth with. I hope that you suffer with this...using up every one of your ill gotten Sudafed pills for their true purpose...then I hope you suffer with it some more. I hope you stand in line for 25 minutes hoping to get your hands on more Sudafed and that they will not sell you any because I got the last box.
May you suffer this heinous boogerilla fate until it dawns on you that Sudafed only has one use.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
It began normally enough, "Thank you for the food, especially the pies....." but ended like this:
"And thank you for MeeMaw and PopPop, and please Lord help Mama and Daddy stop smoking the pot....Amen."
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
I got started on the poker chips while Rob was looking for a picture of a Royal Flush to print and add to the poster...he found something better. Behold the picture that is the center of MonkeyBoy's poster:
Monday, October 15, 2007
I am a fool.
We needed to leave a little early so that we could be home in time for Magnut's football game. I got all of our junk together, marvelling at how our pile of stuff had doubled in just a few days. The FlyingMonkeys were corralled and run through the bathroom for one last "tee tee" while I took a final look under the beds. Goodbyes were said and we wrestled the overloaded luggage cart to elevator and made our way to the car.
....In football this would be called the end of our "forward progress."
It was a few minutes before 10am and I was in the groove...luggage loaded, kids belted in...and then I noticed...lots of people milling around...some were setting up chairs on the sidewalk..curiouser and curiouser....
Some genius decided that Saturday morning, exactly at check-out time, would be the perfect frickin time to close a few miles of Front Beach road for a Shriner's parade. We were stuck. We watched in horror as men careened down both lanes of the street in go-carts, 4 wheelers, and motorcycles. A few minutes into this exercise in brilliance I overheard someone say that the road would be closed until 11:30.
Unacceptable. We were going to wait for a "parade lull" and make a break for it. The parking lot exit was blocked...this did not stop us. We simply reversed until we were "going in through the out door." The plan was to jump right on in the parade and have the kids wave like crazy until I could whip us off on a side road.
The lull never came....but the clowns did. Me and clowns...not so much. The FlyingMonkeys decided it would be funny to sic one of the clowns on me. They got a particularly stupid one to come try and get me into the spirit of the parade. They were literally rolling on the ground laughing and pointing at me. Because they were watching me I could only mentally give the clown the "spirit finger."
We sat though the entire thing...next time instead of declaring something un-blog worthy I will be a little more clear- "Wow, we had a great relaxing time...no indoor water balloon fights, no one needed a cast and nothing was set on fire."
Friday, October 12, 2007
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
One morning on the way to school:
Magnuts- Mom, I can now read the 4.5 - 4.8 books (means 4th grade 5th month through 8th month).
Miss-D- I am reading at college level (she is)
MonkeyBoy- I am at least at the high school level right Mom?
Magnuts- Actually, I am reading at college level
Me-Who has finished the last Harry Potter?
MonkeyBoy-Not all of........
Magnuts- Actually, I already finished it. It was great.
The other two are so used to this baloney they don't even call him on it.
BTW...We started Fall break this week and will be heading to the beach this afternoon. We should have free wireless internet...so depending on how things go I am going to try and post a few from the beach.
If the bloggy planets do not align then I will see y'all on Monday!
Monday, October 8, 2007
Rob-*pulls site up on laptop and puts it right in front of my face* "Come on Laura...you will love this site...it is exactly the kind of strange news you love...."
Me-*averting eyes* "Noooooooo, I already have too many things to read everyday!" (compulsive much?!?)
This little dance continued through the weekend...until Sunday afternoon....when I caved...and fell in love.
The site is www.fark.com
The following is a sample of the headlines that had me hooked:
--If you're going to run from the cops after being pulled over for excessively tinted windows, don't leave your crack and two infants behind in the car
--What do you get when you cross a sickle, a brick, and a push lawnmower? One heck of a birthday party
--Barktoberfest. Doggy Halloween. I Shih Tzu not
--10-year-old boy leads police on a 44 mile long chase at about 25 mph in a stolen school bus. Sandra Bullock unavailable for comment
--When being arrested, giving the officer a "Wet Willie" isn't going to help matters
I could spend hours going through this site reading all the weird stuff....and probably will.
There has got to be some kind of 12 step program for this.....
Friday, October 5, 2007
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Wake up with full bladder. Upon standing need becomes exponentially worse and I shuffle/stumble through the dark; knees pressed firmly together.
Arrive at bathroom door, teeth gritted. Grab elastic waist band of PJs with both hands and shove them down as I waddle last 2 feet to the toilet.
**to explain what happened next I need to tell you about watching the Life Flight helicopters land at the hospital. If the patient aboard was stable the helicopter took its time, circled the pad and came straight down, nice and slow right to the middle spot. If the patient was not doing well the helicopter came screaming in at what seemed an impossible angle, no time for the nice little circle and soft landing.**
I was inches away from the toilet and urgency dictated the the "screaming angle" method of landing. I hit the seat....and then the seat and I slid off the toilet and into the tile wall. I tried to get my feet under me so that I would not fall to the floor. The shoving down of the pants while waddling apparently turned my PJs into one of these:
My knees were bound together. I was able to get my hands in front of me and thus avoided cracking my skull on the tile lip of the shower.
I just lay there in the dark for a moment. So grateful that I would not be found dead..bare arse in the air. Then the original reason for this little ballet of death came back to me with a vengeance. I flipped and I flopped...finally I was up. I grabbed the towel bar and lowered myself to do my business....when.....I noticed the toilet seemed lower than usual. Before my fuzzy brain registered that thing on the floor was the actual seat I had let go of the towel bar and was now wedged into a bowl of icy cold blue water.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to get any kind of leverage when your knees are still trussed together by your PJs?
Obviously I was able to remove myself....and because I have already told you more than you probably wanted to know I will end on a positive note... Tidy Bowl will not turn your arse blue.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
I am a little obsessive..I like to keep the number at 0. I check back several times a day and go through the new ones...I am terrified that I will wake up one morning and see:
All Items (1,222,785)
I am going to have to get over this.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Miss-D came home Sunday with a bunch of uninflated balloons. No big deal right?
About 5:30 that evening Rob and I were watching football and the kids were playing and getting their showers. I was on the phone with my Mom who was telling me what a delight it had been to spend the weekend with Miss-D when I heard a loud yell from the kid's end of the house. It was loud enough that even Rob could not pretend that he didn't hear it. He went to check it out. A few seconds later I heard a ruckus like you would not believe. Still on the phone I walked into the kitchen just in time to see the boys dragging a LOAD of soaking wet linens to the laundry room.
A few seconds later Rob came back towards our bedroom, he was instructing the boys to collect every towel they could find on the floor of the laundry room and then to use them to START soaking up the water. He then sat on our bed and told me that he could not deal with this because he was too angry to even look at them. Apparently the FlyingMonkeys decided that balloons were fun but that GIANT water balloons were just chock full of awesomeness.
There was a water balloon the size of a late summer watermelon on Miss-D's freshly made bed. It was so large that it burst when Rob tried to pick it up. There were several more in the bathroom sinks and then a few the size of cantaloupes in Miss-D's bottom dresser drawer.
The entire bathroom floor was covered in water, the little bits of popped balloon were floating peacefully on the tiny waves. The swampy bathroom was the result of a few of the "water bombs" slipping out of their hands as they cocked their arms to launch them through the open bathroom widow.
You are probably checking the right side of this page to see if you "miss-remembered" how old the FlyingMonkeys are.....they really are 12 1/2, 11 and 8.
This took me back to a time when Miss-D was 4 and MonkeyBoy was 3. Rob was still deployed in Kosovo so I was by myself...If you don't count the 4yo, 3yo and newborn Magnuts. I had gotten the oldest two fed, bathed and in clean PJs. It was about 10 minutes before their bedtime when MonkeyBoy came to me with raw egg sliding down his freshly washed hair....Miss-D was nowhere in sight. Those two knuckleheads had gotten the eggs out of the fridge, climbed into MonkeyBoy's top bunk and then launched them at the ceiling fan. The eggs didn't just smack the fan and fall to the ground...because it was ON....it slung egg boogies in every crack and crevice of his room.
Monday, October 1, 2007
But before I get to football I want to say how happy/relieved I was with all of the comments on Friday's post. I was just SURE that the "group name" I made up (WOMBS) would hack people off...It was just too funny to me to pass it up and I was hoping that some of you shared my sense of humor. Y'all sure know how to sweet talk a girl!
Magnuts football team pulled off the trick play to end all trick plays to tie up the game Saturday.
Picture this: The line is set. The center then very loudly says "This is the wrong ball" as he hands it between his legs to the QB. The QB then begins walking toward the side lines yelling, "HEY COACH THIS IS THE WRONG BALL!" When the QB gets to the end of the line he quickly turns and runs to the end zone!
I can not believe we pulled this play, I can not believe it worked and most of all I CAN NOT believe it is legal.
Don't feel to badly for our opponent...they ended up winning and Magnuts took a dirty late hit early in the game.
We still had a great weekend, hope y'all did too!
Friday, September 28, 2007
We are concerned about the number of posts in which you make fun of your children. Sometimes you even seem mean spirited. Have you forgotten that children are a gift from God?
We would really like to see more posts about how wonderful it is to be a mother. About how your children are the best thing that ever happened to you and about how incredibly special they are.
(Writers Of Mushy Baby Stories)
Sorry you are so sensitive.....put on your big girl panties and get over it.
The group WOMBS is entirely fictional, any similarity to groups living or dead is purely coincidental....
Thursday, September 27, 2007
This little pink sweater was my first project...I love the little scalloped edges. It should fit a 3-6 month old baby. Maybe I will get lucky and someone will have a girl.
This is my first crocheted baby blanket. 100% cotton and about 35 X 35.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
While laying still and praying that I would be better by 3pm I was trying to figure out what would be the easiest thing to make for dinner. Waffles from the freezer, microwave bacon and cheese grits....The only problem with this was not that there wasn't a veggie in site but that we were out of syrup.
By 3 I did feel better and headed off to pick up the kids. Those of you who know me will agree that I am not a Fashionista....but I was looking rough even for me-paint stained red shorts, skanky blue t-shirt with a little hole under the arm, hot pink Crocs, headache hair and of course...no bra. So after I picked up the kids I sent MonkeyBoy into the gas/grocery store next to their school with a $10 and instructions to get a bottle of syrup. I told him, "Do not buy it if it is clear or yellow...we need the maple pancake kind not corn syrup."
3:05 he entered the store......
3:20 I sent Miss-D in to check on him......
3:30 Both of them were still in the store, apparently "check on him" in pre-teen means go lay your eyes on him and then chit-chat with your friends....
****Just to clarify-I was parked in front of the door. There was never any question that they were inside and safe*****
At 3:35 just as my patience had run out and I was considering going in even though I was dressed like a color blind schizophrenic escapee from Cops, the kids came out of the store with a big bag of stuff.
MonkeyBoy cracked open his bag and started handing out bottles of coke..(down here "coke" means pop, soda, cola..). He had a drink for himself and his brother and sister...then he handed me a bottle.....OF YELLOW CORN SYRUP!!!!!!!!!!
I am ashamed to say that I almost completely and totally lost my mind. "DOES THIS LOOK LIKE WHAT WE EAT ON PANCAKES???? WHAT COLOR IS THIS????? DID YOU NOT NOTICE THE BISCUITS ON THE LABEL???IF YOU ARE SPENDING MY MONEY WHY DID EVERYONE GET A DRINK BUT ME????
*breath......breath.......breath....count to 10, lather, rinse repeat....*
"MonkeyBoy....I want you to take the change, go back in, get a container of jelly and a Diet Drink for me. Do not screw around this time... please. We have already been here 30+ minutes and my head is starting to hurt again."
3:40 MonkeyBoy re-entered the store
3:45 My head was beginning to pound again and I was kicking my own arse for letting him go back in....
3:50 Considered sending Miss-D in after him...remembered that it didn't go well the first time....
3:55 MonkeyBoy emerged from the store with........a diet pepsi...they didn't have jelly...
So for those of you who have forgotten.....We only stopped at the store because we needed something to put on our waffles. In the almost 1 hour period we waited at the stinkin store we ended up with 4 drinks we didn't need (we were 6 miles from our house) and a yucko bottle of corn syrup.
I tell this story because the kids used the last of the milk this morning for breakfast. I am typing this wearing nice tan shorts, a clean unstained t-shirt and .....a bra. I will be running in the store after I drop them off.....lesson learned.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Magnuts-We colored and had our snack then I made the big poo poo. After that we went outside to play.....and then.......the bad guys showed up.
At this point, to show us how he defeated the BadGuys and saved Miss Holly, he would break out into his various "moves." His moves included karate learned at the Dojo of Scooby Doo and a few moves he picked up from MonkeyBoy (who started his self defense education at the same Dojo but had progressed to a black belt in Pokemon).
The BadGuys always came to his little preschool and he always defeated them. The only close call was the time they came a little early and surprised him while he was making the big poo poo. I am not going into how he won that fight.
A few months ago Magnuts and his Dad found themselves driving by his old preschool. Rob got tickled thinking about the BadGuys and had this conversation with Magnuts:
Rob-Hey, you remember when you went there and the BadGuys came everyday and you fought them off?
Rob-*snort* Well what do you think they do now that you are gone...how do they take care of the BadGuys?
Magnuts-Houston fights them.
Rob- Houston is your age, he was in your grade. Do you really think he is 8 years old and still in preschool????
Magnuts-He wasn't very smart.
Rob almost ran off the road.