Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Teacher of the year....not.

Last year the three 6th grade teachers had every student write one nice thing about every student in their class. The teachers then compiled a list for each student of all of the nice comments...leaving off the authors of each statement.

MonkeyBoy happens to be in the new 6th grade teacher's class and we have had issues with her all year. The kids seem to have learned more about her love life and where she buys her clothes than anything else.

She decided to take part in the "nice list". However, she did not create an anonymous compilation for each child...she stood in front of the class, identified the author of each list and then read their comments about all of the other students.

One little girl said something very sweet about MonkeyBoy, the teacher read her comment and then chuckled as she described it as "a bit dramatic."

My heart goes out to this girl. She wrote something that she had every reason to believe would be anonymous and not only was it not...the teacher mocked her.

Thank God we only have 2 days of school left....

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Have you seen the Muffin Man?

Rob called me at 6:30 am to tell me to look on my printer. He told me not to freak out...just to look at what he had found in the kid's bathroom.

This is just the first 3 panels of a cartoon that I believe to be the work of MonkeyBoy. In case you can't tell what is going on....let me help you. In the first panel Bob decides to take Joe's muffin. In the next panel Joe determines that the penalty for muffin stealing is the complete removal of Bob's "junk". In the 3rd a wounded Bob rallies and returns the favor.

My reaction...I calmly told the children that I would appreciate it if they would refrain from drawing pictures of genitalia and pointed out that ripping someones wee wee off for stealing your muffin is never an appropriate response....even if it was a chocolate chip muffin. I "picking my battles" or just "phoning it in"?

Friday, May 23, 2008

How to mess with your new nurse:

Step 1. Bring leftover meatloaf, the kind full of chunks of onions and bell peppers, to work for lunch

Step 2. Fill stool sample cup with meatloaf and label it with a patients name

Step 3. Tell your new nurse that the sample needs to be checked for blood

Step 4. When nurse returns to your office to tell you that they ran the test and that it was positive tell them that the test was not sufficient to determine the true cause of the problem.

Step 5. Have the nervous nurse bring the sample to your office for closer examination.

Step 6. Take the "sample" from the nurse and begin digging through it with a tongue depressor while explaining that sometimes more unorthodox methods are required to produce a diagnosis.

Step 7. Tell nurse that there is only one real way to test stool for these particular symptoms as you use the tongue depressor to scoop a giant hunk of the "stool" into your mouth.

Step 8. Let nurse in one the joke before he does the old technicolor yawn all over your office floor.

Thursday, May 22, 2008


My phone rang. A glance at caller ID told me that it was my Mom. I answered and heard this:

"tsipa atpay"

I was thinking she had inadvertently "arse dialled."

Again I heard, "tsipa atpay," clearly, with purpose. Completely confused, I told her that I couldn't understand and asked her to repeat herself and she did, "tsipa atpay."

At this point I began to wonder if perhaps she was having a small stroke and needed assistance...

Annoyed and amused she said she would call me back.

Have you ever gotten a manicure at a place where 99% of the employees don't speak English....not a problem except at the places where they spend your entire visit chittering away in their native tongue and ignoring you. It is just rude. They might as well be whispering and pointing.

Well my Mom was annoyed and thought it would be a goof to call me and have a conversation in a language she didn't think they could understand...and it would have been a good one...if I spoke Pig Latin...

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

A Year In The Life...

A year ago yesterday Jenny had a post at Mama Drama asking about the dumb ways people had hurt themselves. I posted a comment and was so surprised at the positive response I decided to give blogging a shot....

Thanks all of you for your encouragement and for not judging my unholy love of the ellipsis or run-on sentences.

So in honor of this Year+1 anniversary I leave you with the comment that got it all started-

My 5yo son was using my bathroom, and in a standard move, left the door wide open. I walked by and something felt off, but in that moment I did not know what. Sure he had his hands on his little wee wee, but then he always did. Something caused me to do a double take, he was standing perfectly still, his face was bright red, tears on the brink; thinking he must have gotten soap down ye ol' willy hole again I look down. Oh sweet God, the little genius had taken these freakishly strong magnets and placed them on opposite sides of his wee-wee. I am talking about magnets that were smaller than a dime, and they had connected THROUGH THE SHAFT OF HIS WIENER! The end of his willy is now swollen and red, tears are falling and I yell for my husband. It was like a scene right out of ER, my husband throws him on the bed and is yelling at us to "clear" as he grips the little magnets trying to break the connection. The tip of said wanker is now turning a dangerous shade of purple, I am saying that we need to get him to the hospital. My husband screams "he will never make it" and in one last heroic move manages to release the magnets (and a small amount of skin). He ended up with two perfect purple circles, one on each side of his wee, a bag of frozen peas a few Motrin and he was fine.

And this is how my youngest child became known as MAGNUTS.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Playtime at the farm!

I am so excited! My 4 year old niece is coming to stay with us, she will be here in about an hour. She and I will head to the store to buy "snacks, treats and prizes" and then head to the FlyingMonkey's school so that she can eat lunch with the big kids.

She is bringing her cheerleading costume so that she can cheer for MonkeyBoy at his baseball game tonight...

My niece is not your average 4 year old. She is a pistol! We played imaginary store in the pool once. She was the owner of the "ice cream" store. I "walked" to the counter and asked her for a scoop of chocolate and she said, "Sorry we are all out of chocolate, what else would you like"? I went through a list of different flavors, each time she told me, with a grin, that they were all out. Finally I asked for strawberry, she said "Ooooohhhhh yesss we have strawberry, but it is closing time, please come back tomorrow." She said this with a straight face as she mimed hanging a "closed" sign.

This Christmas we were playing "car pool" on my Mom's bed. My niece was the MommyDriver and I was the kiddo in the back. I began "complaining" that it was a loooooonnnng trip and that I was starving. So she "pulled into a McDonald's" to get me some food. After close inspection of my imaginary meal I whined that I didn't get a toy...she said, "of course not it is a "Sad Meal"."

So I guess you can figure out why I look forward to this visit, she is a pip and you just never know what she will say next.

Have a good weekend!

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Little Bo Peep

Years ago some genius brought a dozen baby chicks to Miss-D's 4 year old preschool class. Same genius told all the kids that they could pick one out to take home. By the time I had a clue Miss-D had already named one and was ready to bring it home.

So, we had a house chicken-Little Bo Peep.

She was a free range chicken but her favorite spot was in front of the TV in the den with the kids. She had chicken toys. Well, she had a strand of fake pearls that she LOVED and a pair of sparkly high heels that she enjoyed throwing around. Bo Peep knew her name and would come when called.

In retrospect I guess it was all pretty strange...and I didn't even mention the fact that she would sit on the sofa watching Law and Order with me after the kids went to bed. what is the weirdest animal that has ever lived in your house?

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Are you smarter than a 3rd grader?

As I sit here checking over Magnuts' homework it occurs to me how different 3rd grade math has become.

I remember doing long division and rounding numbers and even the occasional word problem but I do not remember this:

Graph these points on the coordinate plane:
E: (-4,2)
F: (2,2)
G: (2,-4)
H: (-4,-4)

Or how about this:
-2 + -5 =
-5 + 2 =


He had a little geometry mixed in last week and has already worked with variables.

I kind of like it this way. Totally helps keep it from being a snooze fest. I seem to remember great blocks of time in which we did nothing but long division...that could make anyone hate math.

So far I am still able to help with any homework they have...I am just finding that my way of doing it and their way seem to often be different. To change 5% to a number they can work with I don't spend any time multiplying by 100...I just slap that decimal two spots to the left- .05...

My way of dealing with equations makes the kids roll their eyes. They have never heard the phrase "what you do to one side you must do to the other." So when I show them something like this:

a + 10 = 20
a + 10 - 10 = 20 - 10
a = 10

They think I am nuts for showing that second step. I get that you can do that in your head at this level, but later...not so much.

Well school is almost over this year...that means I have about 60 days to get ready for 8th grade math...

Monday, May 12, 2008

Mommy knows best...

Margaret gave us some great news yesterday!

And as a belated Mother's Day present I pass along this wisdom to all you new mommies...

NEVER, I repeat NEVER say "Mother's Day" it should always be referred to as "Mother's Day Weekend."

1 day of adulation, pampering and total submission is not enough, neither is 2 days, but it is a good start.

If you think someone will balk at the 2 day celebration of your awesomeness then start with the term "Mother's Day Week" and work backwards.

Congrats again Margaret!

Friday, May 9, 2008

FlyingMonkeys and food prep...

The FlyingMonkeys do not have school today because we had an unused "weather day." We are going to lay about all morning before heading to town to spend an hour or two at the library and will be stopping to pick up a few "hot-and-ready" pizzas on our way home. The best part of this will be the dessert making that will go on this evening.

I found a dessert in our family cookbook that is so fine it should be outlawed. It is easy and the FlyingMonkeys can actually make it without my help (if any of you are keeping score that means that I am not cooking dinner or dessert!) It is called Banana Split Pie and here is how you put it together:

1 eight inch graham cracker crust or 12 minis (let me suggest the minis....once you taste this pie you can talk yourself into believing that the 8 inch pie shell is a "single serving")

Take an 8oz bar of softened cream cheese and mix in 1 cup of powdered sugar. Once well blended add 2 ripe bananas that have been cut into very tiny pieces. Put this mixture into your prepared (brush with melted butter and bake at 350 for about 5 minutes...allow to cool)pie shell.

Next layer-2 small cans of WELL drained crushed pineapple

Next layer-sprinkle coconut flakes

Next layer-sprinkle halved maraschino cherries

Chill for at least an with whipped cream when serving.

The great thing about this pie is the can add nuts, leave out the coconut, etc...And the FlyingMonkeys can manage the prep work with a butter no ill timed ER trips for stitches!

Hope you all have a great weekend and a wonderful Mother's Day!

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Na na na na na na...

I was remembering Rob's first Christmas with our family. Christmas was not a big deal with his family so when I started listening to carols in November I am sure he was a little stunned. He had never listened to Christmas music and was not familiar with most of the classics...for example Rocking Around The Christmas Tree by Brenda Lee. Every time this song came on he got the strangest look on his face.

This was the part that got him:

Rocking around the Christmas Tree
Let the Christmas Spirit ring
Later we'll have some pumpkin pie
and we'll do some caroling

His brain could not reconcile the fact his pregnant wife was decorating for Christmas to the tune of:
Later we'll have some Fu*#&%@ pie...and we'll do some caroling...

I guess I can understand his confusion...we are the ones who had and Easter Egg hunt that rewarded winners with imported beer instead of peeps...

So all of this reminded me of a book I once saw in a bathroom. It was a compilation of the most mutilated lyrics of our favorite songs. It was hilarious...but the hands down winner, the one that made me glad I was already in the bathroom involved the song Centerfold. Instead of My angel is the was....My anus is my centerhole...
What songs did you mutilate?

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Dear Menopause,

I know we have never really met but I feel like I already know you (I bet you get that all the time...LOL)...and can not wait to meet you! I know you think I am too young for us to be together...but I am mature for my age.

AuntFlo is killing me. She knows that I want to break up and is driving me nuts. She has gotten all clingy; she drops in unannounced and stays way past her welcome. She actually force fed me an entire bag of snack sized Snickers yesterday....

AuntFlo is a mean bee-ach and I have had all of her I can take.

Hope to hear from you soon...

Your biggest fan,


Monday, May 5, 2008

Sex Drugs and Rock & Roll...

Sorry I have been absent.

I woke up in pain Saturday...they think it is my gallbladder and I will be having an ultrasound today.

The doc gave me some meds to help control the pain. Narcotics are not the fun I remember them being. There was no giddy happy fuzzy feeling...only fog and a growing feeling of constipation. Only the feeling that a coyote had pooped in my mouth while I slept was the same...

I will say I have figured out why so many rock stars use them. I got my first 100% on a Guitar Hero song while doped. As a matter of fact I got 100% on 7 songs...apparently I was over thinking it before.

Hope y'all had a better weekend...