Friday, November 30, 2007

Brought to you by the number 36....

Something happened yesterday that made me laugh until I thought I would cry. It is probably something that I should be embarrassed about and I am not sure that a normal person would share it with others...but then in my 36 years of life I have never been accused of being "normal."

Yesterday afternoon after I had thrown dinner in the oven I decided to get a quick shower. The hot water felt so good and was so relaxing that I leaned forward against the shower wall and just stood their enjoying it. Eventually I realized that the chicken could actually catch fire if I didn't get my lazy tail out of the I peeled myself off of the shower wall....

Everyone has heard of people seeing the image of the Virgin Mary in toast or Elvis in a potato chip....when I pulled away from the shower wall this is what I saw:

Look familiar?

That's right folks...Elmo. The 3BabyBelly and the GeneticallyGiantBoobies left a perfect Elmo on the shower wall....I laughed until I cried...

For your protection in past blogs I have hinted about my dear husband's saucy comments and never really written them verbatim...but this one...I had to.

When I told Rob about my "shower Elmo" he said..."If I had done that, we could say that this blog is brought to you by the letter Q."

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Dance Dance Dance....

I need to clear up something from yesterday...I did not make that pizza. It was something I found on Fark a while back. While I am all about overkill, even when it relates to food, this even crosses my little imaginary line.

That said....
My friend Katfish sent me this little clip and I laughed my tail off...enjoy:

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Die Hard...fur sure dude...

I have been recovering from last week. I could spend a week telling you about everything that happened but right now I just wanna talk about something else. Thanks for all the you can see I am alive. And now on to funnier business.....

Rob and I had the opportunity to watch Live Free or Die Hard 4. It was, in it's own way, amazing. I tried to think of a way to describe this movie to you and the best way that I could come up with was an analogy. Y'all remember those from standardized testing..foot is to sock as hand is to _______.....

Well it is like this....Die Hard 4 is to an action movie as....

The Following is to Junk Food:

Yes, that is a pizza with McDonald's as a topping...extreme junk food. If you have seen Die Hard 4 this comparison will make total sense to you. It was almost as if the director had a list of stats about the number of explosions, fires, and gun shots for every other film ever made and then decided to double the number for this movie.
So, if you are all about the flash boom bang...this is the show for you.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Feed The Beast...

A few details I didn't share yesterday....The wreck was all my fault. I taunted the "Comes Back To Bite You In The Arse" beast...twice.

It all started about 5 months ago when we bought Rob’s new car. I believe I have illustrated my issues when it comes to buying a car…and that was a used car…with a new car everything is exponentially worse.

Picture if you will the mighty lioness, shaking prey in her powerful jaws until it is dead. It’s like that but with a 5 foot tall, fluffy mother of 3 instead of the lioness…and she is gripping the “prey” a good deal lower than their neck…and only “shakes” them until the salesman agrees to her terms/conditions. Once the salesman is on the same page as the “lioness” he is released…until the lioness realizes that there are no floor mats in the new car…

While the salesman licks his wounds the lioness gloats over her new floor mats, free tank of gas and the beautiful detailing job that had been done on the car….

This is not even the part where I poked the Beast….it came in the details. We were sitting with the finance guy finalizing the paper work when it happened…

FG: Ok…ummmmm….just a sec, I know the paper is right here somewhere (hard to flip through a thousand pages of paperwork when one of your hands is under the desk protecting your “crotchal area.”)

FG: Ok…here is the extended warranty…

Me: No.

FG: Alrighty…um…ah..ok..this is the form for Gap Insurance…a very valuable thing if you ever total the car…

Me: Do you see the word “sucker” written on my forehead?

Y’all, I know I have a problem…I do. I am one of those people that has trouble telling others “no.” I even have trouble expressing myself when I feel like I am being screwed around…unless it involves the purchase of a car. Something about that brings out the VERY worst in me.

So I poked the Beast a few months ago…it was nothing compared to what I did last Wednesday.

I was sitting in my Insurance Agent’s Office discussing my “new” car when these words came out of my mouth:

"What the hell, neither of us have had a ticket or an accident in the 13.5 years we have been married...raise that deductable...that extra $40 a month will make all the difference...."

Yes. I. Did.

Moral of the story:
Poke the Beast…hit a horse.

On a funny side note…Yesterday while Rob was on the phone with one of the 4 million people you have to talk to after an accident like that, our caller ID beeped. The display on the phone said, “Unavailable” and Rob clicked over. The conversation went a little something like this:

Caller: Yes, this is the Montgomery chapter of PETA and we are calling regarding a report of equine abuse.

Rob: Huh?

Caller: We were informed that early this morning you struck and killed a horse.

Rob: ….

Caller: Our information says that you hit the horse causing it to land on your hood, roll over your roof and then off the trunk into the highway. It further states that you then put your car in reverse and backed over it, put your car back in drive and ran over it again…


Caller: I assure you Sir that we take claims of animal abuse very seriously..


It was my brother…and it was a good one….

(Just so you know…Rob only hit the horse once…and there was nothing he could do to avoid it…)

Hope you all have a wonderful and SAFE Thanksgiving!

Monday, November 19, 2007

Horse 1 - Hyundai 0

Nothing gets your heart to racing like a pre-dawn phone call...I got one at 5:20 this morning...never a good sign.

It was Rob and he was OK, but had been in an accident. In the state of Alabama during hunting season lots of people hit deer...leave it to one of us to smack right into a 2000 lb horse. It was pitch black dark and there were two horses that had apparently gotten loose...Rob had no chance to miss it.

It hit the front of the car, rolled up the hood, over the windshield, across the roof, down the rear windshield, and off the trunk. It did not cause the air bags to deploy and if he had not been wearing a seatbelt things would have turned out very differently.
His hands are scratched up but that was his only early Thanksgiving Blessing....

Thursday, November 15, 2007

The One Where Everyone But Me Is Sick...

knock on wood.

Thanks for all the kind words yesterday. At lunch I had to run back to the school to pick up MonkeyBoy. He had a fever and a tonsil that looks nasty.

At 3 I picked up Miss-D, she too was complaining of a sore throat. In an abundance of caution I will be driving the entire family to the doctor this morning. Rapid strep tests for the two with sore throats and staff swabs for culture for the rest.

Cross your fingers....

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Reality Check

I finally got a car....what seems to be the perfect car. The salesman seemed to lived a little farther down "shady street" that I had hoped...but we managed to close the deal with out coming to blows. I was stunned to find it even had 20000+miles still left on the warranty.

So around lunch time yesterday I had completed the deal and was still amazed at how lucky I had been to find this car. As you can see I was so giddy that I took pictures....finally I graduate from the minivan...I was doing the happy dance in the middle of the yard.

A few hours later, right after I picked up the FlyingMonkeys from school, the phone rang. It was the doctor's office that had seen Magnuts Friday. When they had tested him for strep throat they had also gotten a sample of the phlegm that he was just about drowning in. They cultured came back positive for MRSA Staff. The antibiotic the doctor had prescribed was not effective against it and he would need something new. Well big duh. I knew Sunday that the crap the other doc had prescribed wasn't working so I called my Dad. My Dad called in something much stronger and Magnuts was noticeably better by a matter of fact Monday was the first day in the last 9 that Magnuts did not run a fever.

Turns out what Dad called in was on the list of drugs the staff was sensitive too...yeah Dad!

So there I was feeling so grateful and blessed that I had found reliable transportation...I was so excited not to be driving the Mom Van...then at 3:30pm one phone call from the doctor's office snapped my arse right back to earth...with my real priorities in order and my true blessings counted.

The One Where I Should Have Carried A Taser....

As I mentioned we spent all day Saturday car shopping with the FlyingMonkeys.

I had research, I basically knew what I wanted and about how much it should cost. I even had financing already in place...should be easy huh? Not so much.

Here is how we started....

1. Pull into a dealership.

2. 5 feet into the lot salesmen begin zeroing in on us like short, pudgy, heat seeking polyester missiles.

3. I warn kids again not to make eye contact with them....

4. Maniacal salesmen have roped off used car section forcing us to park and walk if we want to check them out.

5. We rush from the car and head deep into the lot....they still follow, always staying a few cars behind...kind of like a police tail in a movie.

6. They get closer and closer...we know this not because we see them...but their unmistakable odor....Drakkar and Tic-Tacs...

7. We find a car that may meet our needs...but we don't know for sure because NONE of the cars are marked with price or mileage.....

8. Salesman materializes like the scary little kid in Salem's Lot....

I am sure you know the rest....They are having some kind of one day sale...gotta unload a ton of cars....even if the lose $....When they finally take a breath you find out that the only car you like is either too much, has too many miles on it or both.

Then you try to leave....this is when the taser would have come in handy.

This is basically what happened in every dealership we checked out. There were a few when one of the female salesmen pulled her card OUT OF HER BRA and handed it to should have seen her face! I told her that she should have just started screaming...perhaps that might have gotten the $ down a little more...

Then there was the one guy who had a car I was totally interested in...but he refused to allow me to take it to my mechanic before purchase. Perhaps in his little world that was normal and there was a chance I would buy it anyway....yeah...and maybe later a monkey will fly outta my butt.

Still no car...still looking....

Monday, November 12, 2007

Born 1996 Died 2007

"Stutter...bump bump bump....stutter stutter, bump bump...."

What is that noise you ask...that would be my van. She made it for one last run to the school to pick up the FlyingMonkeys and then directly to my neighbor...who is also my mechanic.

Me: She is making this stutter noise...should I go get new plugs?

Him: Ahhhh, noooooo......see when you have antifreeze, oil and water coming up through this spot..

Me: Oh that where you took the spark plug out?

Him: Yes...

Me: Crap, that can't be about I go buy a new belt or something...what'ill that run me...

Him: Don't need a belt...

Me: How about some of that fancy name brand oil and antifreeze...yeah that would be good, and new plugs for good oil filter, air filter..

Him: Head gasket...

Me: I did not hear that...what about a new tire..I think I have enough for one of those..

Him: New gasket, really a new motor would be best...$1500 for a low mileage used motor + labor...


*In a movie this would be where TheGuy slapped me to stop my hysterical ranting*

So....I am looking for a "New To Me" used vehicle. I hate car shopping. Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate it.

I spent 3 days searching every car site on-line looking for something that fits our needs and budget. Then Saturday we piled into Rob's car at 8:30am and set off to "the big city" to look.

We got home around 5pm and I felt like I had been rode hard and put up wet. Even better...I am still looking.

To be continued.....

Friday, November 9, 2007

Exceeded Expectations

Everyone probably has at least one horror story about horrible customer service...sadly many of us (raises hand here) have enough of them that we have forgotten the true meaning of customer service. So let me remind you..

Customer Service Don'ts:

Do not tell a pregnant woman who has just survived a transatlantic flight with a 3yo, 2yo and a giant poo covered St. Bernard that since your airline screwed up that you will put them on a connecting flight to a city 3 hours from her intended destination and then rent her a van so that she can get home......and then not do it. Do NOT then shove them on a plane and then leave them abandoned in the Atlanta airport at midnight with one diaper left and no food....Cause if you did that...even 8+ years later she still might still be ticked and slightly bitter...Angry enough to (Northwest) mention (Northwest) your (Northwest) name....but she won't. Hint, she might not still be so torked had you at least apologized.

That is how it least for me. If someone tells me about a horrible experience they had with a company generally speaking I will never use that company. Consider the "feedback" aspect of E-Bay...don't you feel a whole lot safer buying from someone with a good rating? Or how about a babysitter...would you ever consider using one that you knew nothing thinks not.

Bitter (Northwest) aside (Northwest) I have been the recipient of some of the best customer service on earth lately. Even the little things like -the McDonalds in our city has NEVER gotten our order right...until now. I ordered, paid and before I could get to the 2nd window to pick up our food the manager was leaning out the window holding it smiling at me...and...drumroll...everything was correct...I was so happy.

But here is the winner of best customer service of the year....

Martingale & new best friends.
I was knee deep in the Christening Shawl(blanket) shown on the cover....when I hit a speed bump...
Y'all, making this blanket is a commitment...I had put lots of hours into it by this point and was very upset that the instructions did not make sense to me. I was just this side of flopping on the floor and throwing a screaming nutty.

Then I found their web site. I contacted them and within an hour I had a reply...a reply from a real live human being, promising help and hence talking me out of my tree. Soon, I had in my hot little hands a way to contact their technical advisor.....she too was wonderful. Both of these ladies were everything that I did not expect...funny, helpful, and kind (they looked over the fact that I sounded like a raving lunatic). The technical advisor was prepared to walk me through the issue I was having.

These ladies exceeded all of my expectations. the picture of the blanket I am working on...if you look in the upper left hand corner you will see a little steel crochet hook. Do you see it? Have any idea where it might be now? When I picked up the blanket after taking the picture I heard it fall...and can not find it...I blame myself (Northwest).

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Hot Mamas Know

Absolutely Bananas came up with this great idea! Real tips from real huh? For all the details on participation check out her site by clicking on the purty picture above...

And tip:

Olive oil and sugar face scrub...

Right before your shower, in a small plastic (because this stuff is slippery..and so is whatever you end up putting it in...if I am going to drop it I would rather it be plastic...), mix about 1/4 granulated sugar and enough extra virgin olive oil to make a paste. In the shower...BEFORE you wash your hair or body (or you could end up looking like an extra from Grease), scoop out a nice glop of the stuff and use both hands to massage it into your face. Do this for about a minute and rinse.

I saw this on TV years ago. I seem to remember that the olive oil and the sugar have a mild chemical reaction that is beneficial to your skin...if only I could remember what... I can tell you that it will remove all of the dead skin and will leave your face smooth and pink.

Gotta get everyone up...the older two FlyingMonkeys AKA the non-quarantined, will be delivered to school as usual. Magnuts and I will then go straight to the doctor to see if we can find out why his chest seems insistent on producing the sound track for "Mucus-The Musical."

Wish us luck...

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

168 Hour Work Week

I got a call from the Census Bureau yesterday. The pleasant young lady let me know that she was training and that her supervisor would be listening in. I had indeed filled out the 5 thousand page 2.4 million questionnaire they sent me a few months ago....but they had a question or two...

After a few dozen questions confirming my identity they asked the doozie....

CB: Uh...we have a question concerning your employment information

Me: Shoot

CB: It says here that you work 168 hours a week for a company called..........ummmm....Reevesfarm Family Planning and Management.

Me: Yes

CB: would be a lot of hours, ummmm more than you can really work in a 7 day period. Did you calculate that on a monthly basis instead of a weekly basis?

Me: No, I work about 720 hours in an average month, a few more in December a few less in February.

****Note-this lady was really sweet and trying to be polite to the crazy lady who thinks she works every minute of the day...****

CB: Uh...well that would mean you work every minute of the day...when would you sleep?

Me: On average I get 7-8 hours of sleep a night....but I am always on any moment I may be woken to attend to a business emergency.

CB: OK, well lets move along to your duties...."Provides the following services 24 hours a day: maid, chauffeur, chef, laundress, tutor, advocate, medical, coach, accountant, fashion consultant, decorator, party planner, police officer......"

She got pretty quiet at this point...and then...laughter. Not just her, but her female supervisor, they were both laughing their butts off.

CB: Sorry, this is great! We have never seen one like this before...Good for you!

Score one for the stay at home Moms....

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Mystery Illness....

Unfortunately only 2/3 of the FlyingMonkeys are at school. Magnuts has gotten the "cough till you choke" crap AGAIN! For those keeping score that would be twice in less than 3 weeks.

Once I get the Delsym cough syrup in him he is fine...It is all I can do to keep him from running around the house.and as a bonus he has a temp. of 102. Funny thing about that temp is that he does not seem to have one during the day...but about 6pm it cranks right up and he thinks it is hilarious...a get out of jail/school card if you will.

It is so strange that I was just sure he was doing something to cause it...I had him lay in my bed, where I could keep an eye on him, and took it again 30 minutes later. It is for real.

MonkeyBoy brought home all of the work Magnuts missed yesterday...there were 19 sheets of work...front and was horrible.

So....until about 3pm Magnuts is all happy...laid out on the sofa, sucking down diet Sprite and gorging on Cartoon Network....but when MonkeyBoy gets home with the tome that is Magnut's homework...his symptoms kick in. Then at 6ish...AKA bath time...he has a fever...What gives?

Cross your fingers for both of us....

Monday, November 5, 2007

Bite Me Big Book

I found this in the Toys-R-Us Big Book and was stunned:
Speed Stacks Glow in the Dark StackPack with DVD-$29.99


I went to the web page to find out more information...there had to be more to this...nope. Essentially you get a set of plastic cups and a mat to stack them on that times you.

I was flummoxed...cup stacking, really? What a scam. Then I thought I would share this little joke with the kids....dumb...dumb...dumb..

I showed them the picture and immediately their little hands start flying around in a "stacking" motion. They are all, "Oh yeah Mom those are is supposed to be so much fun....we would love some...." This only proves that just when you think you have a clue...your kids will be right there to prove that you don't...

Have you ever watched Eddie Murphy Raw? Do you remember the part where he was talking about wanting a McDonald's hamburger and his Mother made him a homemade one? Here is the clip:

That is exactly how the FlyingMonkeys must have felt at the end of our "speed stacking conversation," it went a little something like this:

Me: Why would I spend $30 for cups??? We have everything you need to do that already...

FM: Uh uh....

Me: Yeah huh...look I have 12 of these plastic "stacking cups" I got at Wal-Mart and they were only $3

FM: Ummmmm, well ok then. What about a timer so I can see how fast I can do it?

Me: Already got one...

FM: Really! Where?

Me: Right there...look-

FM: Wha! Huh? Mom! Our microwave won't "time" us it just counts down stuff...

Me: So...Set if for 10 minutes and get your Brother to hit stop when you are done stacking...then use some of this scrap paper to subtract the remaining time from 10 minutes and viola! A timer that will help you with your math skills!

***at this point I am hearing lots of grumbling and they are starting to look at me like Michael Richards doing stand-up at an elementary school***

FM: Um...we still need a stacking mat....

Me: Oh, we have one of those too...and it is not a stinky little one like in the Big Book. Ours is a competition quality surface that allows multi players!

FM: REALLY! AWESOME! Where is it?

Me: Right here-

I take a moment to rub in my "Big Book Victory" - I am all standing at the table stacking my imaginary cups with speed that looks like something out of the Matrix. I start with the sound effects, "cha cha cha cha cha clink" and yell "DONE." I look at my fake watch and announce my time-2.4's a new record.

Hey Toys-R-Us Big Book...I am winning!...HOW YA LIKE ME NOW!

Then MonkeyBoy points out, with a smug look on his face, "The one from the store comes with an instructional DVD..."

I led them into my office and with one click of the mouse pull the coup de grace onto my screen........ - that's right...a free, step by step tutorial on cup stacking!!!!!!!

~I win, I dance, I run back to our multi player competition quality stacking surface to beat my old record with my imaginary cups...I am flailing my arms wildly...picture Tom Cruise in Cocktail...I begin to sing..."Shake it, don't break took yo mama 9 month's to make it..."

All of a is dark. Pitch black dark....and I hear....

"Huh.....the ones from the store glow in the dark...."

Saturday, November 3, 2007

Feel Good Story of the Day....

Saturday post...who would have thunk it...but I just read a news article and had to share.

Gabriel and Ieuan Jones are identical twins who are apparently inseparable. At the 25th week of gestation their mother was told that Gabriel, while have the size of his brother, had heart that was 3 times normal size and that he would surely die in the womb. They told the mother that if by some miracle Gabriel survived to term that he would not live.

Their primary concern was that if Gabriel died in the womb it could lead to life threatening issues for his twin. The mother had to make a horrible let the doctors operate to end one baby's life in hopes of saving the other.

During the first operation the doctors attempted to cut Gabriel's umbilical cord....attempted and failed. The cord was too strong for them to cut.

The tried again...this time they cut the placenta in half hoping that when Gabriel died it would allow his twin to survive.

Imagine their surprise the next day when little Gabriel was kicking up a they were not as amazed as when they discovered a short time later that his enlarged heart began to reduce in size or that Gabriel himself began to increase in size!

They are now both healthy happy baby boys...their mother says that the bond between them is incredibly strong...that they are often holding hands and that if one cries the other reaches out to comfort him....


Friday, November 2, 2007

Wanted: Toy Do's & Don'ts...also someone to tell me if I spelled "don'ts" right....

We just got the Toys-R-Us big book. I find it sorely lacking. They crammed so many toys in there they didn't have room to give you much information about each toy. I NEED MORE people! I am not going to plunk down that kind of jack for a toy that I know nothing about.

It occurred to me that I have a wonderful way to find out all kinds of REAL information about guys! I will pass along information I have garnered over the years and ask questions about toys the kids are clamoring for. Hopefully you will have answers, insights and questions of your own.

I am doing this in hopes of avoiding a $50 the remote control helicopter MonkeyBoy got a few years ago. It was, according to the label, age appropriate...we charged it for hours and on its maiden voyage it crash landed and that was the ball game. We might have gotten more use out of it had we flown it in a room filled with bubble wrap....

Perhaps you have insight that can help another parent avoid a gift don't.....two years ago Santa brought the boys these huge remote control Hummers....They were made to be driven on all kinds of terrain....however....with two boys, two competitive boys, racing against each other was not enough. They tried to run each other off the "road," they rammed the cars together...While well built and living up to every claim in the ads...they were not designed for kids who want to crash them into things.

Cotton Candy maker...lets just say don't...and fire extinguisher do.

So what toys are your kids asking for that you need more info about? Commenters please feel free to answer other commenters questions...that is what this is all about!

So my questions this week:

Wii- we have a PS2 and an eyetoy...would the Wii be redundant? If you have one why do you love/hate it?

Children's Digital Camera-I am talking about one for a 4 year old...something with a decent sized "pre-view" screen...any ideas?

Fly Pen-seems cool but does having to have spend the money for the special paper and software make it not worth it?

Have a good weekend!

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Snail Mail....

I am sure I have seemed a tad grumpy lately....there is a good reason. Well it is a good reason to me.

I LOVE the FlyingMonkey's pediatrician...she is awesome. But for the last two months we have had issues getting their meds refilled. 2/3 of them are taking medication for their ADD/ADHD. This medicine can not be "called in." You must have a physical prescription in hand to get a refill. Their Dr. is an hour away and so each month I call the office to let them know I need a refill and they mail the prescription to me in one of the self-addressed stamped envelopes I provided.

Last month, for convenience I used a pharmacy I had never been to before. Long story was a two day ordeal that culminated in the Pharmacist announcing to everyone in the store, including Miss-D that I was trying to pass fake prescriptions. I tried to defend myself, saying that there had to be some kind of misunderstanding...he just kept saying that he would not be filling my fake prescription...people were staring.

I was mortified, snatched the prescription away from the guy, went to Wal-Mart and had it filled and was on my way in less than 30.

Turns out that the Dr. was using new prescription writing software and the DEA number "may" be off my one numeral. That is what the pediatrician's office told me anyway. Even if that is true it does not excuse the Pharmacist's behavior...and I told the Corporate Office and the Board of Directors so in a strongly worded e-mail. They contacted me within 12 hours of me sending the e-mail and were very apologetic....even though, in their words- "I would love to explain how this could happen, but it is inexcusable..."

So now it is a month later. I called last Wednesday for their refill. It is now Thursday and still no prescription. Usually I call it in, it is mailed the next day, and I get it the day after that. We are now out of medicine. Completely out. For some reason I usually wait until the last minute to call in the has come down to the wire before....but we have never just been OUT. I was so proud that I remembered to do it "early"....the prescriptions should have overlapped by about 4-5 days.

Without their medicine they have to be watched more closely. They will accidentally throw their plates or silverware in the garbage can instead of just scraping them. One of them has been known to put their pants on backwards. I have to make sure that we have everything we need before leaving for school, and then check again when I drop them off to make sure they didn't leave anything in the car. I had to point out that while it was a good thing that one of them already had their shoes would make putting on the socks they were holding tricky.

It is not fair to them. Had the two in question not already missed several days of school in the last 3 weeks because they were sick...I would have kept them home. I did send a note to the teacher explaining the situation and asking for understanding.

The mail gets here at will be 8 days since I requested a refill....keep your fingers crossed.