W.O.M.B.S.

Dear Reevesfarm,

We are concerned about the number of posts in which you make fun of your children. Sometimes you even seem mean spirited. Have you forgotten that children are a gift from God?


We would really like to see more posts about how wonderful it is to be a mother. About how your children are the best thing that ever happened to you and about how incredibly special they are.

Sincerely,

WOMBS

(Writers Of Mushy Baby Stories)

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Dear WOMBS,

Sorry you are so sensitive.....put on your big girl panties and get over it.

Sincerely,

Reevesfarm

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The group WOMBS is entirely fictional, any similarity to groups living or dead is purely coincidental....

Babies Babies Babies....

I found out recently that several people in my family are going to have babies!!!!! In celebration that I am not one of them I have learned a new trick...crochet.

This little pink sweater was my first project...I love the little scalloped edges. It should fit a 3-6 month old baby. Maybe I will get lucky and someone will have a girl.


This is my first crocheted baby blanket. 100% cotton and about 35 X 35.

Rob thinks this blanket is beautiful but he is less than thrilled about my new hobby. It annoys the living crap out of him when I make something just to make it...When he sees me working on something new he immediately wants to know who it is for. Now I have babies to make stuff for!!!!!!!!!

I have also pointed out that crochet is much safer; he gets a tad nervous when he is driving and I am using 5 tiny double pointed needles in the passenger seat. A crochet hook is benign in comparison.

I am working on a new blanket, it is pretty complex and I went on-line to find the specific yarn the patteren specified. Un-dyed 2 ply silk.......it is $25 per 1oo grams and I need 350 grams...If any of you know a place to get a good deal on yarn please let me know. I am working it in cotton right now but would love to try it in silk...just to see how it would feel.

Have a great Thursday!

Headaches and syrup....

Several mornings ago I woke up feeling fine; but about 9ish I noticed the beginning of a headache that developed into something that put me in the bed and had me begging for mercy.


While laying still and praying that I would be better by 3pm I was trying to figure out what would be the easiest thing to make for dinner. Waffles from the freezer, microwave bacon and cheese grits....The only problem with this was not that there wasn't a veggie in site but that we were out of syrup.

By 3 I did feel better and headed off to pick up the kids. Those of you who know me will agree that I am not a Fashionista....but I was looking rough even for me-paint stained red shorts, skanky blue t-shirt with a little hole under the arm, hot pink Crocs, headache hair and of course...no bra. So after I picked up the kids I sent MonkeyBoy into the gas/grocery store next to their school with a $10 and instructions to get a bottle of syrup. I told him, "Do not buy it if it is clear or yellow...we need the maple pancake kind not corn syrup."

3:05 he entered the store......

3:20 I sent Miss-D in to check on him......

3:30 Both of them were still in the store, apparently "check on him" in pre-teen means go lay your eyes on him and then chit-chat with your friends....

****Just to clarify-I was parked in front of the door. There was never any question that they were inside and safe*****

At 3:35 just as my patience had run out and I was considering going in even though I was dressed like a color blind schizophrenic escapee from Cops, the kids came out of the store with a big bag of stuff.

MonkeyBoy cracked open his bag and started handing out bottles of coke..(down here "coke" means pop, soda, cola..). He had a drink for himself and his brother and sister...then he handed me a bottle.....OF YELLOW CORN SYRUP!!!!!!!!!!

I am ashamed to say that I almost completely and totally lost my mind. "DOES THIS LOOK LIKE WHAT WE EAT ON PANCAKES???? WHAT COLOR IS THIS????? DID YOU NOT NOTICE THE BISCUITS ON THE LABEL???IF YOU ARE SPENDING MY MONEY WHY DID EVERYONE GET A DRINK BUT ME????

*breath......breath.......breath....count to 10, lather, rinse repeat....*

"MonkeyBoy....I want you to take the change, go back in, get a container of jelly and a Diet Drink for me. Do not screw around this time... please. We have already been here 30+ minutes and my head is starting to hurt again."

3:40 MonkeyBoy re-entered the store

3:45 My head was beginning to pound again and I was kicking my own arse for letting him go back in....

3:50 Considered sending Miss-D in after him...remembered that it didn't go well the first time....

3:55 MonkeyBoy emerged from the store with........a diet pepsi...they didn't have jelly...

So for those of you who have forgotten.....We only stopped at the store because we needed something to put on our waffles. In the almost 1 hour period we waited at the stinkin store we ended up with 4 drinks we didn't need (we were 6 miles from our house) and a yucko bottle of corn syrup.

I tell this story because the kids used the last of the milk this morning for breakfast. I am typing this wearing nice tan shorts, a clean unstained t-shirt and .....a bra. I will be running in the store after I drop them off.....lesson learned.

Bad Guys...

When Magnuts was in 4yo preschool we realized that he was going to be an EXTREMELY imaginative child. When we asked him how his day had been we got some variation of this:

Magnuts-We colored and had our snack then I made the big poo poo. After that we went outside to play.....and then.......the bad guys showed up.

At this point, to show us how he defeated the BadGuys and saved Miss Holly, he would break out into his various "moves." His moves included karate learned at the Dojo of Scooby Doo and a few moves he picked up from MonkeyBoy (who started his self defense education at the same Dojo but had progressed to a black belt in Pokemon).

The BadGuys always came to his little preschool and he always defeated them. The only close call was the time they came a little early and surprised him while he was making the big poo poo. I am not going into how he won that fight.

A few months ago Magnuts and his Dad found themselves driving by his old preschool. Rob got tickled thinking about the BadGuys and had this conversation with Magnuts:

Rob-Hey, you remember when you went there and the BadGuys came everyday and you fought them off?

Magnuts-Yeah...

Rob-*snort* Well what do you think they do now that you are gone...how do they take care of the BadGuys?

Magnuts-Houston fights them.

Rob- Houston is your age, he was in your grade. Do you really think he is 8 years old and still in preschool????

Magnuts-He wasn't very smart.

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Rob almost ran off the road.

Elfie...

My wonderful Mother gave the kids one of these 2 years ago:

Y'all ever hear of these things? They are Santa's elves who live with you during the Christmas season. They are in your house during the day and disappear to the North Pole to help out Santa every night. On Christmas Eve they leave with Santa and do not return until the next December.

We are not the only people with this little house guest. The kids hear from their friends how the elves get into all kinds of things at night. One friend knew the elf was real because it left little pointy footprints in the flour that was spilled all over the kitchen.

The elves are never in the same place you left them when you went to bed. So....this is like tooth fairy duty (he he he...duty....can't even type that word without laughing) every night for a month...stay awake and make sure Elfie is hiding in a new spot.

I decided that making sure Elfie was getting home from the North Pole every night was enough. I was not going to compound it by "allowing" him do his worst in my kitchen. Then it came to me....like a light shining from the heavens....

Miss-D-Mom what happened to the last piece of chocolate cake??!!??!?!

Me-Donno have y'all found that sneaky elf yet?

MonkeyBoy-MOM!!! Why is Elfie in the freezer and what happened to all of the ice cream sandwiches?!?!?

Y'all get where I am going.......This year I suspect Elfie might get the last sausage balls and take a good swipe at the chocolate covered cherries. If the FlyingMonkeys are not behaving he might even get into their stuff...

Magnuts-MOM Elfie threw my Pokemon cards all over my room!!!!

Muwahhhh haaaa haaaa haaaa!

Too Soon?

I know it is only September but is it too early to start playing the "Santa Card"?

Can I say, for example, "Magnuts if you kick MonkeyBoy in the leg ONE more time Santa is going to erase your name from his list!!!!"

or

"Miss-D it makes Santa cry why you torture your brothers."

I can't do the "Don't make me call Santa" bit anymore because they figured out *69 and would bust me in a second-"Mom, since when does Santa live at Grandma's house???"

So what now??

Would it be wrong to tell them that the very same Santa that made the monster under their bed disappear can put it back. That the monster has been in North Pole Jail all of this time and everyone knows that just makes them meaner and bigger.....No, clearly that would be wrong.

How about telling them that the magic of the Reindeer comes from well behaved children. That their recent behavior has Dancer on life support and Santa is not sure he is going to make it.....nope, still wrong.

I love the Santa card, I just need to figure out how to modify it without scaring them for life.....

Nurse....

In first grade Magnuts loved the school nurse. He went to see her at least 3 times a week. She loved him too and would often call me to tell me of his latest complaint while trying not to burst out laughing. My all time favorite would be the time that he went to the nurse because, and I quote the snickering nurse, "he was starving to death." How do you cure a dire illness like that??? Fruit snacks.

Now before I go on I need to clarify. He did not hate school or have problems with the other kids. He just loved the nurse and her fruit snacks.

That same year MonkeyBoy broke his wrist on the playground. A boy kicked a ball to him and it caused a buckle fracture. It did not swell or turn blue it was just very tender. He went to the nurse and she told him he was ok, just to be careful with it. He came home and I told him that it didn't look broken (cause I have X-ray eyes dontcha know). The next day it was still very sore so I took him to the Dr. just to make sure he was ok. When we picked up Magnuts and Miss-D that afternoon MonkeyBoy was sporting a bright shiny new cast.


The next day at school Magnuts hopped into the nurse's office. He told her that his leg (the one he was jumping on) was definitely broken. She had him sit down and checked him out...he made all the right groaning noises and winced appropriately. She told him that she was sure it was not broken and that he would be just fine. He asked her to call me. When she asked why he told her, "Well you didn't think MonkeyBoy's arm was broken either."


I am so glad the nurse loved him AND had a sense of humor......

On the sidelines....

I got to have an experience this past weekend that I would wager most women will never have. I was allowed to be on the sidelines for Magnut's football game so that I could get some pictures!!!!!!

Here is what I thought went on on the sidelines before I experienced it Saturday:

after a good play-

Coach: Hey boy, good job!

Player: Gee thanks Coach-I really love playing football and learning all about team work!

after a miss-

Coach: That's ok son, you'll get them next time.

Player: Thanks coach, sorry I missed that block I am gonna try harder.

after an injury-

Coach: Ok son, don't move...someone is going to get you some ice..I know you stubbed your toe on the bench but you can never be too careful...would you like some ice cream?

Player: I'm ok coach...do you have any chocolate?



After Saturday on the sidelines:



After a good play-

Coach: YAAAAAAHHHHHHH BOY IT TOOK 6 OF THEM TO BRING YOU DOWN!!!!!! 6 OF THEM!!!!!!!

Player: *beaming with a wedge of grass sticking out of the side of his helmet* Yeah!!!!



After a miss-

Coach: HOW COULD YOU NOT SEE THAT!!!! HE WAS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU-

Player: I have a frog in my pants-do we have any popsicles?

Coach: *beats his own head against his clip board*



After an injury-

Coach: It's alright, rub some dirt on it...

Player: I am not gonna make it....I think I am gonna die....

Coach: You stubbed your toe on the bench...shake it off.

Player: *flopping on the ground* oohhhhhhhh....it's getting darker.....it's so cold.....

Coach: Boy, get up before someone trips over you.

Player: I see a bright light.....

Coach: *resumes beating own head with clip board*




I was a stranger in a strange land......but it sure was funny!

Smiley faces from hell

My aunt had this enormous printer/scanner/copier. One of those high tech things that does everything but actually print, scan or copy without you standing on your head singing a song to the "printer gods." She went out and bought a little easy to use printer to use in addition to the other one. She got everything set up and started printing a document. The new little printer worked like a charm. It was zmmmp zmmmp zmmmping out the pages when she saw a flash of light from the corner of her eye. Then she noticed the sound hwaaawommmm hwaaawommmmm-the other printer, the monster, was printing. She walked over to turn it off as the page finished printing....it was not the document. It was this:




I would have wet my pants! Every time she used the new printer the old one would spit out the frowny face!!!!!! I would have ripped that thing out of the wall and thrown it out the window.

I have long contended that printers are actually gateways to hell. Finding one that is not a total pain in the arse to use is a challenge. Finding one that rebukes you for using a new one is just further proof of my gateway theory.

One good smack....

My Mom and I have a great relationship....sick sometimes, but great. We share the same sense of humor and the tendency to laugh at totally inappropriate things. For example....

Years ago we were in the boat house pulling up a boat. We had an older "hand crank" wench that looked a bit like this:



I was on the end of the boat house with the crank and Mom was standing behind me. Dad was on the other end fiddling with the rope that connected the other end of the boat to the wench. I am unclear on all of the details but for some reason I was leaning very close to the crank when my Dad yanked the rope...that crank whacked me in the back of the head like a sledgehammer. I teetered towards the water then tottered towards the pier....The only thing that is really clear is my Mom ROLLING ON THE FRICKIN FLOOR LAUGHING HER ARSE OFF. Sure, seeing your child brained is funny...but for the love could yah give a girl a hand before she plunges into the lake...maybe have your little laugh fest after you make sure that I can speak coherently at the very least ask me how many fingers you are holding up?!?!?! (BTW if you are only gonna hold up one finger could you not use the middle one!?!?)

Are y'all outraged at this horrible behavior?????? Well......don't be....It took about 5 years but I accidentally returned the favor.

We were at an Auburn game and Mom was helping me unload my van. We had to park it a long way from the RV so it was really nice to have some help. We got everything out of the trunk and I shut it....on the top of her head.... I didn't just shut it, I am short so in order to reach the top of the trunk to pull in back down I have to jump. Often I let the weight of my coming back to earth help slam the thing into place. Owch........Wack-a-mom...I beaned her. She teetered towards the street she tottered towards a tree....I tried to help her but every time I opened my mouth out came totally inappropriate hysterical laughter.....


She still will not get near the back of my van....and the boat house? Well Dad burned that down years ago.....

One Bunny Two Bunny...

That is a statement that strikes fear into the hearts of my entire family. Literally. When I was a very young child my Aunt and Uncle gave me a bunny for Easter. A bunny...no cage, no food, and my parents had no idea about it until it was already in my hot little hands.

So my Mom bided her time. Years went by and my Aunt had her daughter, still Mom waited. When my cousin was about the same age I had been (old enough to raise all kinds of bloody hell if you try to take a pet from them) my Mom presented her with a cage, a bag of food and TWO bunnies, a boy and a girl.......

It is a legend. Christmas Eve, years ago, someone was joking about waiting until the FlyingMonkeys were asleep and then going outside to jingle some bells and shout "Ho Ho Ho." I just smiled serenely and said, "One bunny two bunny."

GAWD!

Last night after leaving football practice I stopped to get gas and some Diet Sprite. Wandering around with MonkeyBoy and Miss-D looking for a 2 liter of Diet Sprite or 7-up we ran into one of MonkeyBoy's friends.


MonkeyBoy's Friend: "What are y'all looking for?"

Me: "Some Diet Sprite or Diet 7-Up"

Miss-D "SHE LIKES IT WITH THE VODKA!"

Me: *stopped in my tracks* "What tha!!!!! Why in the world you yell something like that!?!"

Miss-D: "I didn't want him to think you were getting it because you are on a diet...duh."



Thank you....I will be here all week.

Duck Duck Goose

A few months ago while crossing one of the parking lots at work my husband spotted something he had never seen there before. He crossed over to one of the little gazebo/piers by the pond thinking he would get to see a momma duck and her babies....Instead this jumped out of the water and began a "conversation" with him:

Rob: *stumbling backwards* "ACK! What tha...why are you hissing at me you goofy duck?!?"

Goose: "Hiss Hiss Hiss-get off my pier boy"

Rob: *still backing up* "right, I could totally kick your arse duck"

Goose: "hiss hiss hiss-I am gonna count to three...."

Rob: *almost to his car, still walking backwards* "bring it on duck I am not scared of you.."

Guess how this story ended......Goose 1 Rob 0

Nap Time

My cousin Chuck sent me this and I had to share it. I have to share it because I HAVE to know who took the video of Magnuts on the toilet asleep.....When I saw that part I was stopped in my tracks....either he has an identical twin or I have a friend who got some funny video of him.

Football and piggys

Magnuts had his first game of the season Saturday night. Twice it came to the point that it was only him between a running back and the end zone. Twice he stopped the run. The first time it was a pretty big guy and Magnuts just got in front of him and waited- the coaches-including his Dad said that you could hear the hit from the other side of the field. Magnuts just clamped on to him kinda like this:

and went along for the ride. BTW this is not really the picture I wanted to use to illustrate this point but...google the terms "Monkey Hugger" "Animal Hugger toys" and "Monkey Clamp Toys" at your own risk....

I ended up working concessions from 4ish until 8ish. Then we went back to the field yesterday to help the coach and his wife clean up. PEOPLE ARE PIGS Y'ALL! 2 feet from any one of the 50 huge trash cans people just dropped their garbage. The bathrooms were a disaster and Rob even found a USED diaper under the stands...someone just whipped it off their kid and dropped between the steps. It took 2 hours to get the kitchen and grounds back to some kind of order.

Still Magnuts loves being on the team and it does feel good to "do your part." But....let me see someone dropping their garbage any where but one of the cans.....

Friday

Today is Rob's birthday and he wants homemade chocolate chip cookies and rice crispy treats instead of cake. I will also be making his favorite dinner.

*He is reading this over my shoulder and wants to know why he didn't get a bloggy name like the kids-I will not, cause I'm classy, tell you his suggestions for his new bloggy name*

He and his buddy Russ (read-work wife) will go out for lunch and en route play their new favorite game-Punch Hooker. Y'all ever play punch buggy? Instead of punching each other in the arm every time they see a Volkswagon Beetle they do it when they see a hooker. When Rob first started working there a year ago he was stunned to see hookers when he went out to lunch. He and Russ would actually point and gawk-until they got caught in a red light and had to avert their eyes and try to appear invisible.

So my birthday message to Rob: Have a Great Day and Happy Hooker Hunting!

Magnuts the Mafioso....

Being schooled by a 3 year old. Yes.We.Were. One morning my husband could not find his keys. In desperation he said, "kids, please help me find my keys, finder gets a prize!" Keys were found and prize was given. Then two days later his keys disappeared again. He decided to offer another bribe to the finder of the keys, 30 seconds later a 3 year old Magnuts had them in hand. A few days passed and his company ID card came up missing. He asked the kids if they had seen it- Magnuts said, "Is there a prize?" This should have been a clue people-but desperation had clouded Rob's eyes. The pattern continued, crucial item missing, crazed father ripping apart house for it, reward offered, thing found. Then one day I watched Magnuts. He asked his father what he was looking for, inquired if there was to be a prize, then toddled off to the den-lifted a sofa cushion and retrieved the keys!!!!!!! The sneaky little bugger!!!! By this time he had a box full of ill gotten booty-prizes for finding all of the "lost" items!!!

Crack a window!

On the way home from the lake Monday evening there was a smell.....an evil smell.


Magnuts - "DAD MonkeyBoy pooted!!!! please roll down the window!!!"

Dad - *as he is rolling down the window and dry heaving* "That can't have been MonkeyBoy-that did not come from a human being...we must be near a paper mill"

MonkeyBoy - *laughing* "It was me...."

Dad - "Oh sweet God....."

15 minutes later

Magnuts - "Dad he did it again!"

MonkeyBoy-*snicker, snort*

Me-"Boy that is just nasty stop it, you gotta hold that in, we will get you to a bathroom!"

MonkeyBoy - *still laughing* "I can't help it Mom my butthole feels like it is on fire"

Me-"don't say butthole"

MonkeyBoy - "well that is what it is and it is on fire"

That is when I remembered our lunch on the pier. MonkeyBoy insisted on having some fresh jalapeno just like the adults....I don't know if he can hold his liquor but he dang sure can't hold his jalapeno.

Make It Happen Captain

I have a new respect for those seated in the boat while a person is learning to ski. We also learned that the best way to pull my children is to only have the 2 adults in the boat-no extra children. Children in the boat will taunt the skier and test the patience of the driver and spotter.

We tried the slalom thing this weekend....Miss-D was able to get up and stay up for 25-50 feet and after her last arse busting fall she asked me "can you hear that ringing noise?"


MonkeyBoy tried it on one ski too....with less spectacular results and lots of me yelling "get the frickin rope, hurry it is coming right by you....no on your left! Your OTHER left! Hurry or you are gonna miss it...For the love... turn the boat around. Where is the Tylenol?"

While you sit waiting for the skier to locate and put on their skis and get to the rope you can get a little warm-like being in a frying pan but without the yummy melted butter. About every 20 minutes the planets would come into alignment-ski on, rope in hand and it would be time to "tighten up." The "tighten up" occures 2-3 seconds before the skier is ready to be pulled up-the boat gently pulls forward to remove any slack in the rope. In our case the skier was ready for the removal of the slack but then would hesitate in giving us the thumbs up. This caused our skier to start yelling "stop stop..snork choke.." as they were slowly dragged forward and under. As this happened their ski rotated off to the side and then behind them and in this panic they will let go of the rope, but not before the ski is ripped from their foot. So we start over, circle the skier to get them the rope, wait for the planets to align, tighten up (fingers crossed) and GUN IT! 3.2 seconds of blissful wind as the boat rockets 6 feet forward....and then stops for our skier has busted his arse. 20 more minutes of roasting in the frying pan while waiting for the planets to align...



I look like a lobster.