It's alive!

Remember how I am not so good with plants? How until this year I was 0/2 for the 3rd grade cabbage project?

I put this one, my last one Magnuts' out about 5 weeks ago. It was only about 3 inches tall when I put it in this pot. This is a giant pot...notice how little the brick in the upper right corner is compared to it.

I think it is still alive because I planted it and totally forgot about it. I have not attempted to water, fertilize or do any other gardener type stuff to it.

At maturity this cabbage averages 40lbs...if it survives we will be taking slaw to every family function for the next 6 months...in a Hefty leaf bag.

Sleep Drinker

Today is the last day of Rob's strange schedule. No more sleeping all day and working all night!

This morning he noticed my bed side table and asked me, "How much do you drink in your sleep?'

Uh...yeah...my dirty little secret...I am a sleep drinker. Seriously, I go through at least two diet cokes a night...in my sleep. Now if we have pizza for dinner I know that I better bring 4 drinks to bed.

Taking 4 canned drinks to bed is embarrassingly weird...but experience has taught me that I might as well suck it up and bring all I think I will need. If I run out it wakes me up and then I can not go back to sleep until I have gotten something else to drink.

Rob was stunned that I was not up and down all night going to the bathroom. I never wake up because I have to go...only when I am thirsty. Even on a 4 drink night I am good until I wake up.

Am I the only person who does this?

BOO!!!!or maybe not....

No one has copped to the Orajel incident...so now I will have to get them all.

I thought about covering myself in fake blood, hiding in the boy's closet, waiting until they were just about asleep and then jumping out screaming. Then I realized that during the subsequent therapy sessions to curb the bed wetting and night terrors I would likely be branded a "psycho."

This train of thought caused me to rule out scratching on their windows a la Salem's Lot.

Everything I can think of that would not scare the bejesus out of them still ends up biting me in the arse. For example, consider the ex-lax brownie gag...there are 3 of them and 2 bathrooms, plus I do all of the laundry.

I am stuck...any ideas on a prank that will not require therapy or a visit from OSHA?

Are You Gellin' ?

Like Mufffellllfffinnnn....


Last night I rushed to get dinner ready so that we could eat before baseball practice. We had chicken in wine sauce and so I had to brush my purple teeth before we could leave.


I knew something was wrong mid-brush. I attempted to rinse and water dribbled out of the corner of my mouth like I had just suffered a small stroke.


I attempted to yell for the kids but it came out like this: Iiiiidooofffnooowooofffdiifffthifbufyoorrrrdeeeeeddddd


One of the FlyingMonkeys had coated my tooth brush in Extra Strength Orajel.


I was slobbering like an extra in Cuckoo's Nest. I had to change shirts...twice. I kept forgetting and taking a swig of Diet Coke to get the taste out of my mouth...

Once the ability to speak returned I questioned them...not one of them is willing to take credit for this little joke.

For now I plot my revenge...X 3...oh, and I hid the Orajel and just in case...the Nair.

Easter Eggs and Tattoos

In the spirit of Easter we played baseball in the front yard yesterday. Baseballs, eggs...tomatoes, tomatoes....

I hit some grounders and pop ups to the boys and then decided that the spirit had moved me...or needed me to move...back inside next to a diet coke.

I did not panic when I looked out the window and saw the Mens huddled around Magnuts...not even when the HeadMens AKA Rob was apparently palpitating his forearm for breaks and bumps.

10 minutes later the Mens were at it again...this time huddled around MonkeyBoy. I noticed the batting helmet still on his head and thought to myself..."how bad could it be."

A few minutes later the HeadMens, with a chagrined look on his face, ushered the LittleMens into the house. MonkeyBoy had a brand new 'baseball tattoo' on the back of his neck. For those of you keeping score...that is the second tattoo in less than 10 days (the first was on his hip).

I didn't balk when Rob used to send the boys in to grab a pair of socks to pad their ummm 'boys' when he practiced football or baseball with them.

I kept popsicles on hand for then endless rebounds that Magnuts seemed to prefer to catch with his face.

As I examined the baseball indention on the back of his neck Rob explained that it had been a perfect pitch...MonkeyBoy had just panicked. He also told me that he had warned MonkeyBoy that from hence forth to "hit the dirt" when he thought the pitch was wild.

For the record...I have never, not once, seen the "hit the dirt" method used in baseball. Considering the ramped up nature of MonkeyBoy's fear I might as well get him a pillow and a blanket so that home plate won't be so uncomfortable.

The sap is rising...

Last night Mom took the FlyingMonkeys to the indoor pool while Rob and I went to dinner. The pool was packed, but turns out that Romeo&Juliet have something in common with Jello...there is always room for them. Magnuts tried to splash them out but there was just not enough room to get his cannonball on.

When I got up this morning and went out on the balcony to enjoy my coffee I looked down on the beach and spotted...Romeo&Juliet II. I guess Spring is just in the air...and maybe the beer.

For some reason this Sesame Street song started running through my head...The Honker Duckie Dinger Jamboree.

It was then that I came up with new theme song for PCB Spring Break:

The Hump-her Dump-her Drinking Jamboree

Sing it with me...

Tick Tock

Tonight my Mom asked us if we would like to go to dinner without the FlyingMonkeys...ummmm, yes.

We ended up at a local place that has been here forever...Angelos Steak Pit. The food was excellent but the service exceeded expectations. We had the best waiter ever.

We were well into our yummy steaks when a large party was seated next to us. Our waiter was taking drink orders and checking IDs when the guy at the head of the table announced that today was his birthday...and then the waiter read his DOB out loud-March 20 1987. We dropped our forks. 19 frickin 87...

I was a sophomore in high school...we were both feeling very very very old. We got into a discussion about what all we remembered from around that time. About how time seems to be passing in the blink of an eye.

Here we were eating dinner at 5:30pm, in Panama City Beach, stone cold sober, during spring break. The sad thing is that we would have been eating at 5pm but we had to drive at a snails pace cause of the 6,000 drunken teens cruising the strip.

After dinner we headed to Publix to pick up a few things. After spending 20 minutes in the bakery picking out cookies for the kids I realized that there was every chance we would spend more time screwing around in the grocery store than we had at dinner.

We eventually made it to the check out and I pointed out that we were shopping like our parents were out of town. $20 worth of ice cream including a very special little carton for my Mom, $5 for 3 giant cookies for the kids, Orajel for Rob's toothache and tampons.

Yeah we may be older, and based on our shopping list dorkier...but we walked out of the store holding hands and laughing. On the ride home we ignored the idiots in the road...glad that we have been there done that and are on to better things.

Before we walked into the condo it occurred to me that in 5 years Miss-D will be in college. We opened the door and there she stood, hair dripping wet, dopey grin on her face, pink nose, and a big hug for her Mom and Dad.

They are not gone yet, but my parents were right it passes in a heartbeat.

Splish Splash...

Last night after dinner Rob and I took all of the children to the tiny (about 10X15 feet) indoor pool. When I say all of the children I am including not just the FlyingMonkeys but our 4 year niece and a 12 year old friend of the family.

We arrived only to find a teen aged (maybe 14 years old) couple doing things in the pool that were not exactly appropriate. I assumed that the little hussy would unwrap her legs from around her boyfriends waist when she noticed all of us staring. Nope. I assumed that perhaps the boy would quit rubbing all over her when he noticed the 4 year old in the life jacket bobbing in the water behind him. Nope.

Stronger measures were required.

I called Magnuts over, pointed to the center of the pool (also the current location of Romeo&Julliet) and asked to see his best cannonball. Magnuts, being the gifted child that he is, decided to, as they say on American Idol, "make it his own."

The 10 foot running start propelled him to within 6 inches of his target. Before he could even clear the area his brother decided to follow suit...and then because she has to be like the big kids our niece screamed "look at my doggie dive" as she jumped in.

Romeo&Juliet were in the middle of a FlyingMonkey tsunami. They broke apart, both snorking water that had been forced up their noses...victory was ours.

Victory was short lived...the power of the teen aged hormone makes for a strong enemy. It was time for new maneuvers.

I positioned the FlyingMonkeys around the pool...on every side but the shallow one with steps...we were going to burn/splash them out. They began jumping into the pool, water was splashing at such a rate that visibility was reduced. I said loudly..."See kids this is much safer and you can all jump at the same time..." I don't know if anyone could hear that what with all the water in their ears.

Romeo&Juliet tried to hold out but were no match for the FlyingMonkeys...they were effectively herded to the steps at which point they gave up and left.

I had decided that I was prepared to use the nuclear option if the carpet bombing didn't work. That option involved me, fully dressed, doing a super cannon ball right in the center of the pool. It was an option that would have been our last resort...by my calculations I could have displaced enough water to turn it into a baby pool...

Welcome to the Redneck Riveria

How about a big DUH. Spring break is not exactly family time in Panama City. If the bumper to bumper traffic was not a clue then the local Wal-Mart should have been. The lines inside wound all the way through the clothing section and well into the sports stuff.

I actually saw a college girl wearing PCB couture...a wife beater that she had written on with a
Sharpie...it said, "I would rather be drinking."

In the drink section one group was arguing about what beverage to buy. The selection criteria was stringent...what will best hydrate after a night of drinking and wont make us barf.

4 hours after we walked through the doors we were finally ready to leave. On our way out we noticed the "Safe Ride Home" van making a pick-up. When the kids are getting slopping drunk in the line to check out perhaps you should open up all of the registers.

Tomorrow I shall regale you with the story of the boys with the green Afros.

Beach Music

Everyone probably has their own version of beach music, for me it was :

And this:

A little of this:

And Mr. Earl of course...

This music puts me right back in my parent's station wagon on our way to the beach. They liked to drive down at night with the kids stretched out in the back on a pallet. The windows were open and the music was just loud enough for us to hear.

Going to the beach with my parents is one of my best memories. The music just brings it all back...we learned to make drip castles, play cards and shower outside. I also learned that if you drink Boones Farm Strawberry Hill you can't get sunburned...but you have to drink it the entire time you are in the sun.

***This research was completed by the adults...

We would go out to the beach in the morning and stay until it was dark. We had sandy pb& js for lunch and if we were very lucky had a burger from Thomases for dinner.

My parents saved their change all year, and a few days before our beach trip was going to end it was divided between the kids for a trip to the arcade. It was a great place, snow cones and ski ball.

I have packed my quarters, my music, my "sunscreen", and am ready to hit the road...hope you all have a great week!

Is it Thursday already?

-I am better, hopefully the Zyrtec I bought yesterday will help get this mess cleared up.

-The cabbage is alive, a Reevesfarm record.

-I taught Margaret Sally a new phrase from the Secret Man Vocabulary.

-I called a complete stranger last night, a person who called me a few days ago looking for some old friends of hers who have the same last name we do. I had gotten a new phone book and noticed that the people she was searching for happened to be in it...her number was still in caller ID so I called her...she was totally freaked out.

-We are leaving for the beach in 2 days and the only thing I have ready to go are 2 boxes of Jelly Belly Popsicles and a few packs of bubbles.

-I am pondering a short sequence of blogs about the births of the FlyingMonkeys...but I can't remember if I have already done that.

Happy Thursday

That is all.

Heinous Boogerilla

Yes I am. The mucal funk that attacked me a week ago is back. It never really left but I thought I was winning, I was wrong. My face hurts.

I wish I had one of those suction athletic cups right now...I would put that sucker over my nose and plunge my sinuses...

The cup is half full...but it chafes like a mutha....

Both boys are playing fast pitch ball this year so I brought up the "cup issue" with Rob. Should they be wearing cups, and what kind, and how do you "size" something like that without feeling like a total perv.?

Rob argued that the only person that should be wearing a hard cup is the catcher...that they are extremely uncomfortable and not necessary for any of the other players. He told me that if I insisted that I should get them something called a "soft cup." Unfamiliar with this I had questions...

Me-How do you wear something like that?
Rob-In a jock just like the hard kind...
Me-So over the underpants??
Rob-No, just the two straps around their rumps and the cup in front..
Me-And then the underpants on top?
Rob-NO, no underpants...

Well how 'boutcha now...no underpants and tight white baseball pants...brings the "did you forget to wipe" issue to a whole new level.

So.......I was in the sporting goods store I thought I would take a look. They have quite a selection. A young SalesGirl, sensing my confusion, came to offer assistance. She started whipping the things out of their packages (ahem) and squeezing them to demonstrate their flexibility. There is a trend towards a less rigid cup, and there was this one that she said could actually create a suction like connection.

Hmmmm...I can just picture it now. Y'all know those little suction cup hooks you can buy to hang stuff on in your bathroom? You know how you wet the little cup before you attach it to the wall so that it creates a stronger connection? Consider the suction athletic cup and the sweaty little boy wearing it...moisture + suction = painful crotchal hickey...if you can unstick it.

The SalesGirl held up another model and told me that it also comes in a size for....wait for it.....WOMEN. Yes, women. I was stunned and then I started laughing...uncontrollably. SalesGirl did not find this funny...."HEY Lady...this is for real, girls can get hurt there too..."

I continued to laugh, tears running down my face. I don't know exactly why this was so funny but her serious tone did not help matters. "LADY...if a girl gets hit there she can BREAK STUFF."

I had to leave.

Since I am probably no longer welcome at that store I decided to look on-line. There is a company called NuttyBuddy...they claim to make the most comfortable cup out there. It comes in 4 different sizes...the Hammer, the Boss, the Hog and the Mongo.

I just don't know if I can bring myself to say, "Hey MonkeyBoy, Mama got you a NuttyBuddy Hammer..."

I am at a loss...Do I go with a SuctionCup and just stock up on baby powder and buy MonkeyBoy a shoe horn? Should I just suck up and buy the Hammer? If you have any experience with this please share.

Cold & Hungry

I have no idea why I just dreamed that Johnny Depp was bald, dressed as a fairy and was chasing me through a pasta buffet.

I do know that just as I was reaching for a fried donut the stupid alarm went off and now I am up and there are no donuts.

****
It was certainly cold enough to snow Saturday but it didn't. It did get extremely windy just in time for me to spend 2 hours at baseball practice with Magnuts.

News Alert: Hell Freezing Over

Not that I am saying that I live in Hell, but today weather is probably similar.

I am all sweaty from unloading groceries and just flipped on the TV to see that we are under a SNOW ADVISORY.

It never snows here, never. Well it has before but not in the last 8 1/2 years. It probably wont tonight either...but for the love...it is 72 frickin degrees outside! They are saying that it is going to get so cold so fast that we can expect up to 1/2 an inch of accumulation.

For my friends from the North...let me tell you what this means. We will absolutely shut down, except for the primer gray Camaro that will be doing donuts in some parking lot. There will not be a loaf of bread or a gallon of milk left in any store within 50 miles. It will be chaos.

I really hope it does snow...I would love for Magnuts to see it.

Tattle Tail Tattle Tail, Hang Your Britches On A Nail...

Hang 'um high hang'um low, hang'um in the picture show....

You want your children to tell you if one of the others is doing something wrong but sometimes they can take it to a point that makes you just want to get a running start and put your foot up their arse.

Seriously, who can remain sane after a weekend of:

He is touching me

She is looking at me

He put magnets on his pecker again....



It was one of those weekends and the last couple of days have just been a continuation. Until 10am yesterday morning...when one of them took it up a notch.

The blessed silence that was helping me nurse my sore throat and aching head was rudely interrrupted by the phone. According to caller ID it was the school. Crap, no good comes from a call from the school.

It was Miss-D, Our conversation went a little like this:

(I was a little groggy from the cough/cold meds)

Me-Wha, huh...what's going on?

Miss-D-Mom....MonkeyBoy did not go to the UN thing.

Me-So, what is going on, where are you supposed to be, who gave you a phone..

Miss-D-I am at break

Me-So how did you get a phone

Miss-D *long sigh* I am in the Office Mom (insert unsaid "Duh" here)

It went on like this for a minute or so, until it occurred to me that if there was really a problem that his teacher would have called me. I pointed this out to her, earning another exasperated sigh, and told her to get her happy arse back to class and stay out of her brother's business...


So, the "FromSchoolTattle" is born. Damn.

***BTW-he was in no trouble, Miss-D was just gettin' her drama on.***

ATTENTION...ALL HANDS ON DECK...

When you hear overhear MonkeyBoy telling Magnuts:

"It's really not that bad...it depends on how you take the hit..."


It is time to run, not walk, to stop whatever lunacy the two of them are involved in.

Putting an end to it as quickly is possible is good...but not a guarantee that you won't end up in the ER for the majority of the night anyway...I cite the November of 02 Incident:

That started off with me saying - "quit running in the house and stop doing flips off the sofa..."


then - "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP RUNNING AND JUMPING ON THE FURNITURE!!!"


then - "Oh shite, what is wrong with Magnuts' leg...."

It was a full ten weeks before he got the cast off that went from toe to hip.

It's not like he learned any kind of lesson. By week 3 he could run in the cast and by week 7 I caught him jumping off the back of the sofa in it.


Oi.

****BTW, the title to this post almost went really really wrong. I am not feeling so well (thanks Rob) so if I seem a little dopey, I am.****

Take Me Out To The Ball Game...*hic*

Baseball has begun.


Magnuts had his first practice last night. This year MonkeyBoy will be playing too...turns out that unlike football their practices may or may not be at the same time and may or may not be in the same CITY. Joy.

Because Rob is temporarily working nights this means I get to do all of the driving and sitting and sweating and freezing that baseball practice entails, by myself.

It is not so bad as long as you are prepared. The trunk of my car has fold up chairs, gloves, baseballs, bats, a football and a TV.


Yeah, a TV. Hey, don't judge...Lost comes on during Thursday practice...sure I could record it...but given the options of watching them run laps for the 10th time or spending a little time with Sawyer McYummypants...you do the math. They should be glad I am not bringing a minibar.


Speaking of which-you parents that bring large cups that no one can see through, and get friendlier as everyone else gets sweatier...you are not fooling anyone. Don't bring it if you don't have enough to share...gah.


I'll bring the diet sprite...

Dear Jenny,

Re: Architeuthis

Last night we found ourselves in a TV void and ended up watching two hours of DSC. I have been reading The Bloggess and Mama Drama for long enough that I should have just turned away...but I didn't.

Two hours of giant squid. They discussed the fact that they had never seen a living one...as they were examining a 30 foot dead one.

They have all kinds of theories about their behavior in their natural habitat. They feel that the GiantSquid is a gentle giant. Shy and timid. Yeah...these are the same guys who tell us that rattlesnakes are more afraid of me than I am of them...

Timid my arse...and I knew this before the end of the show. It has an eye the SIZE OF A HUMAN HEAD and 26 foot long tentacles with hundreds of suckers on them...and they are not just suckers, each suction cup has a rigid serrated ring around it...to dig into it's prey's flesh...

You should have seen this poor Sperm Whale's head. He had giant circular scars from an encounter with one of the GiantSquidsOfDeath.

In the end they reeled up a camera that had been sitting 3000 feet down in the ocean....and an extremely long, still moving, tentacle. After close examination of the footage from the camera they have determined that the GSOD is no gentle giant. It is a fast moving, aggressive, squishy killer.

I had bad dreams.

I should have listened.

What do I do now?

Please advise...