Discover this...

On the Discover web page:

Discover Card: Brighter. See how you can spend smarter with Discover Card

I know the #1 way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Get a card in someone else's name and go nuts! All of the fun and none of the responsibility...Discover can make this dream a reality for some of your skanky neighbors too!!!

I ruined it for my neighbors...the ready to use card was delivered to the person (ME) and not the street address(SKANK THIEF).

I called Discover...only to "Discover" that they should not be allowed to use the word "Brighter" anywhere on their web page.

To prove that I was the real slim shady and not the fake slim skanky I had to drive 20 minutes to the nearest large "department" store with a customer service department. In our case that would be a Lowes....after 30 minutes we finally convinced the geniuses at Discover that I was the one and only Reevesfarm.

Once my ID was confirmed the tenor of the conversation went from hostile to apathetic. I wanted information about who had done this and they didn't give a rip. Between repeatedly saying "I don't know" and stifling yawns the fraud dept. person suggested that I file a police report. It was a Sunday so I had the pleasure of doing so at the county Jail...fun.

Later that same day I called Discover's fraud department to see if I could garner any more information about the original application:

Me: So how was the did they apply for this card?

Discover: Uhhhh...it says here...Telemarketing...

Me: Well what does that mean?

Discover: Uhhhh...by phone I think.

Me: Uh, yeah...but did you call them or did they call you????

Discover: Uhhh...it doesn't say.

Me: Was that call at least recorded?

Discover: no

Me: How did you approve a $5000 credit card when the birth date, address, and phone number did not match the name and SSN?

Discover:...............

Me: No signature, no recording of the call, nothing and you gave them a $5000 card in my frickin name!

Discover:............

Me: Can you give me ANY information that was collected in the application that might be helpful?

Discover: No

At some point I talked to another Fraud Dept. person, she told me that if Discover does not lose money that they do nothing. After providing me with NO additional information she did say that she would be happy to talk to the local police Investigator handling my case. I got her extension so that the investigator could reach her directly...he left a message and she did not return his call...or had not a couple of days later. Thanks so much.

When the investigator told me that he could not get the people at Discover to return his calls I tried again. The investigator was finally able to speak to someone...only to find out that Discover could not even tell him if the caller/applicant was male or female.

The geniuses that applied used their real address and phone number...but there are 4 adults that have access to that phone...when Discover can not even narrow the applicant down to male or female it makes my chance of successful prosecution slim.

There is always going to be that scumbag who steals from hardworking people...but having a company like Discover behave in such a reckless and callous way is mind boggling. I should be able to file criminal charges against you for abetting the bad guys.

Good burps gone bad...

So yesterday...right after lunch...two boys in MonkeyBoy's grade greeted each other by burping their names. The first boy got through his friends name with no problems...the second looked great through the first name and then he VOMITED ALL OVER THE FIRST BOY as he attempted to start his last name.


For lunch: chocolate milk, ham & cheese sammies, and raspberry sherbet....


Good times.

Magnuts the hawkeye...

Making a pass through the Christmas section in our local Wal-Mart Magnuts spotted something amazing...

Do you see it?

That's right...the word "ASS" is clearly printed on the right side of this box....and every box we checked.

After a little investigation we are pretty sure that it was supposed to say "Celebrity Backstage Pass" not..."Celebrity Ass"

I laughed...I snorted...I may have even been wheezing a little by the end of it....

Meet Penelope...

When Miss-D went to close her bedroom doors this morning before school she found her bird in this odd situation. Miss-D had left the little lid off the top of the bird seed container and Penelope squeezed her feathered butt right through the small circular opening in the top. She was either unwilling or unable to get out...I am leaning towards unwilling considering that she tried to bite Miss-D repeatedly as she tried to extricate the goofy bird.

Free at last...free at last...Great God Almighty I am free at last...

So I finished painting and thought I would post some pics...

(Click on the pics to enlarge them)

By the back door:





Where we didn't eat for 2 weeks:








Kitchen:

China cabinet side of kitchen:

Den:

Still painting...

But I have a few questions...

Do any of you have experience with the GigaBall?

It is 51 inches in diameter and is essentially a human hamster ball. It claims to be for indoor or outdoor use and is made of heavy duty plastic.

Just wondering if anyone has actual experience with these....

Also...

Have any of you ever used the "stretch" slip covers for sofas?

Did it keep its shape...did you have to curse a lot while putting it on?

If you own these products or know someone who does, please leave a comment to let me know what you think about them.

This is the job that never ends...

It goes on and on my friends....

Still painting the kitchen...hope to finish in the next 7-10 days. My hands ache and my muscle are sore...but it sure looks good. I took "before pictures" and am taking them as I progress...can't wait to take "after pics."


In the mean time check out these frickin adorable "crocs" I made:

Painting and Pests...

Painting a kitchen and all of the cabinets, cabinet doors and drawers is not #1.

Day 8...or yesterday, I was sitting on the floor, knee deep in cabinet doors, hardware and paint when I noticed blood dripping off my nose. As I am determining that the blood is coming from a tiny cut that I have no idea how I got the boys come banging in to the room arguing.

They have been driving each other, and me, nuts.

I get that having the kitchen turned upside down is stressful...FOR THE ADULTS. The only inconvenience the FlyMonkeys have dealt with would be the abundance of fast food they have been "forced" to eat because the kitchen is not functional. Or the Diet Sprites they have been allowed to drink because I could not get everything together to make juice.

At the beginning they helped empty all of the cabinets...but now I just really need them to stay out of the kitchen. So I let them play...there are a thousand things that they could be doing alone or together...things that would keep them quiet. Problem is that they are knuckleheads who choose, over and over again, to do things that end in conflict.

I decided that if they were going to argue they might as well do it while knocking out some chores. I told them to grab the clippers and get to work on the out-of-control bushes in front of the house.

One day I am going to give them directions and they are just going to go do it...no questions, no "what ifs" or "but I"'s......yesterday was not that day.

So after a 1/2 dozen questions I said:

"JUST GO CLIP OFF ALL OF THE REALLY TALL PIECES GROWING ON THE TOP! MAKE THEM ROUNDISH SQUARISH BUSHISH SHAPED! JUST GIVE THEM A HAIR CUT! CUT THEM LIKE ANIMALS...I DON'T CARE MAKE DISNEY CHARACTERS ALL THE WAY AROUND THE HOUSE...JUST GO DO IT AND BE QUIET..."

They walked very quietly to the door...and then I heard a snicker....

"DO NOT CUT THEM LIKE PENISES!"

Louder snickering....and they were gone.

The Plague

MonkeyBoy missed all last week with Mono (for those of you keeping up...that makes 13 absences before Halloween). I was very happy to take all three of the FlyingMonkeys to school Monday....

I had purchased all of the supplies to finally finish painting my kitchen...I took a little 4 year break....

I began the process of moving everything out of the way. Removing the cabinet doors and all of the hardware...all of the drawers. Scrub EVERYTHING with very hot soapy water to ensure a clean work surface. All told the area that I am working on took three days of prep before I even started painting the primer.

So I was not so happy to discover, Tuesday morning, that Miss-D had two rashes. Her mouth was full of ulcers...it looked horrible and painful. Turns out the little red blister/bumps on her hands and the ulcers in her mouth were the result of Foot/Hand & Mouth Disease...a first for us. The little red rash on her torso was the result of the awesome case of Strep Throat she was sporting.

Antibiotics, steroids, Magic Mouthwash and she was a go for school on Thursday....as was my date with a giant can of primer.

I had finally managed to contort my round little body in such a way that I could paint primer inside an oddly cut corner cabinet when the phone rang.

It was the school...of course. The nurse was calling to let me know that MonkeyBoy looked terrible...spots on the roof of his mouth and a fever. So clad in my funky work clothes with paint in my hair I drove to the school to pick him up.

It occurred to me as we headed home that it was a frickin miracle that Magnuts was still well. In a 1 week period he had been exposed to Mono, Hand/Foot & Mouth, and Strep.

Guess who has a mouth full of painful ulcers this morning....

I just finished using my limited kitchen resources to make oatmeal for MonkeyBoy and Magnuts....

Y'all pray for us.

Better than Nicorette....

So I started working on this dollhouse right after I quit smoking...something to do with my hands....

It took over my kitchen...and I loved building it.

Even staining the 800 little shingles....painting, sanding, re-painting...

And then one day I was done.

The kitchen was clean, the house was finished...

I had so much fun.

8th grade poetry....

Once in a village in Japan
Lived a young woman named Woo-Chan
She felt like a fool
When she fell in the pool
And everyone saw she was a man

Thank you Miss-D...

Dear Lunch Lady,

I am pleased to see that you have a sense of humor. Oh how you must have chuckled Friday as you added the 55 gallon drum of cherry pie filling to the serving line as the "fruit of the day."

Did you wet your pants just a little as you watched the the little kiddies vibrate their way back to class? I would have...it was a good one...I bet the teachers thought it was HILARIOUS!

The only thing funnier than allowing little kids to serve themselves all of the cherry pie filling they could mound on one tray is letting them do it twice!

Freezing the leftovers over the weekend and re-serving it Monday was genius.

Thanks again!

Laura

Not dead...

I just need a break.

I may not be back until after the election. I allowed myself to come almost completely unglued about the bailout. I was so angry that I felt physically ill...if I am going to have a massive stroke I would rather it not be caused by a bunch of a-holes in Washington.

Some people listen to music when they clean...I have the news on. Well had. I just need to chill.

I have determined that not only am I a true conservative I am also a Political Hindu...not a fan of pork. I am frustrated with all of the political offerings...how about a candidate who runs on an "Common Sense, Personal Responsibility and Accountability" ticket.

Anyway...

Everyone is healthy and we are all pretty busy. I have just decided to take some time off...time to not think about how congressional term limits would solve a lot of our problems...time to enjoy football and the coming Holiday season.

Thanks again for all of your concern and feel free to email me...

HOT 102.7!!!

The FlyingMonkeys seem to be trying for "high score" on our digital thermometer....

MonkeyBoy went back to school yesterday. He managed to last the entire day...meanwhile MissD was home with a temp of 103....

In other news....

Mrs. Ruth thank you so much for bringing by the kid's new favorite dessert. The FlyingMonkeys absolutely devoured it...they want more...I will need the recipe.

Thanks again...hopefully this plague will pass soon and I can get back to normal blogging...

We are gonna need a note from the doctor...

It all started innocently enough last Monday. MonkeyBoy woke up with a fever and headache so I kept him home from school. He was home Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday complained of a headache so bad that it was making him nauseous.

So Thursday afternoon we went to the Urgent Care clinic. Lucky for us my cousin and the Dr. she works for were running the clinic that day. While we waited for some of the test results to come back the Motrin I had given MonkeyBoy hours earlier began to wear off. His fever and headache came back and he looked horrible. The Doc became very concerned when he came back in the room. The tests for Strep and Mono had come back negative and he didn't like the way MonkeyBoy looked.

The Doc made a few calls and determined that we should go to the ER. They felt that there were a few tests that needed to be done that could only take place at the hospital.

***Those of you who live in this city stop yelling at your computers. I know the hospital stinks...we only went for tests...tests that would be done with my supervision. Plus I had already called my Dad (a doc) and discussed this all with him. So stop clucking your tongue and shaking your head...

For those of you who have no idea what the above paragraph is about...our local hospital - Edge Memorial is nicknamed Edge of Death. People joke about only going there if they are dead...or so close to death that they are unable to protest. In the last few years they have changed management and have attempted improve their service. I can say that the nurses and techs were VERY good. The Doc, who for this story will be called - DrDingus, is a prime example of why it is important to cull your nuts.

DrDingus acted as though he had an ER filled to capacity instead of just a few patients. He appeared overwhelmed and seemed to be unable to focus on the task at hand. He came to our cubicle, did a physical exam, ordered a battery of tests and we did not see him again for hours...when all of the results were back. He said that based on MonkeyBoy's X-ray that he had acute bronchitis/pneumonia. I, of course, questioned this diagnosis. MonkeyBoy had been sick for a week...but in that week as he got worse he never coughed or had so much as a sniffle.

DrDingus did not care for my questions. Before he could leave I asked him about the headaches that were so severe that they were causing MonkeyBoy to be nauseous. He blew me off and would not even write MonkeyBoy a prescription for something for the nausea. I left with a prescription for antibiotics and a decongestant.

Later that night, or should I say early Friday morning, MonkeyBoy woke with a severe headache that caused him to vomit all over his bedroom floor. DrDingus is very fortunate that it was 1:30 am and I could not get my hands on him.

By Friday afternoon MonkeyBoy was even worse. His head was pounding and his legs hurt so badly he didn't want to walk. I ended up taking him to a new doctor. A really good pediatrician that my Cousin was able to get us in to see. The new doctor, who we will call DrAwesome, finally made me feel like things were going to be OK. He wanted to test for Flu before anything else was done...the Flu test was negative...

I have written and deleted this part 5 times. Each time I write it it just seems so dramatic and that just makes me feel silly...but being told that your child will need to be admitted to the ICU and that they will need a Lumbar Puncture is dramatic.

MonkeyBoy was admitted to the ICU Friday afternoon and was having a LP later that evening. Everything about his spinal fluid was fine...they were able to rule out bacterial meningitis. We were released late Saturday afternoon...

They are pretty sure that he has Viral Meningitis. We won't know for sure until the lab reports come back...and that could be a while. He is still staying home from school. He is tired and still has headaches and leg pain. I think the worst of this is over...he no longer has fever and he says that the headaches are not nearly as bad.

So we wait.

BTW-when MonkeyBoy was released from the hospital they told me that the X-Rays were clean-unremarkable....yes...those would be the X-Rays taken in the ER. DrDingus indeed.

Also...after all of this I failed to get a single note from any doctor to make sure this is an excused absence....

AWAH?

I will have to give Magnuts homework more than a cursory glance in the future...especially his English.

Yesterday's assignment started like this:

"There once was an evil jar of peanut butter that escaped from the cabinet...his name was Hugh Jass..."

***

Yes Mom, that would make it a Hugh Jass jar of peanut butter...

Funny...

Today's post brought to you by Hansel and Gretal home builders...

This weekend we were invited to a party to meet our newest cousin and had the best time.

Had I not been able to follow my Mom we would have never found the place...it's location even confused her Garmin. The houses in that area are absolutely beautiful...and I would love to show them to you but I fear that the trail of crumbs I left to find my way home have long since been devoured by hungry birds.

Thanks B & H for a wonderful evening...your new Granddaughter is beautiful!

Back away from the cart...

I had this full on rant already written about this woman who brazenly stole my shopping cart at Wal-Mart. It would have been posted yesterday but for two reasons; Blogger was having issues and it turns out that several of my nearest and dearest have also been known to snag a cart.

Now, they don't take carts that have things in them and they all swear that they will at least check for an owner before absconding with the buggy. Still, it irritates me. Perhaps because I have had so many stolen. People have actually dumped my items onto a nearby shelf and then taken my cart. That is a pisser.

So a few days ago when I watched a woman walk right up to my cart, grab it and take off I was stunned and irritated. I yelled, "MA'AM!!!!" about 3 times before she finally stopped, grinned at me, and walked off. WTH?

I am aware that there are times that urgency trumps the normal rules of polite society. Perhaps you have indulged in a "Big Gulp" and now have to tee-tee so badly that you are in real danger of wetting your pants. You waddle to the restroom only to find a long line...this is clearly a time when breaking a rule (the no Vageeenas in the Men's room rule) is not wrong.

The woman who stole my cart did not do it out of necessity or any urgency. She was not juggling newborn triplets while balancing a case of Diet Coke...she was just lazy.

I am thinking of getting a taser.

A funny thing happened...

I got an e-mail Friday from an associate casting director for CBS. She found me through my blog and wanted my phone number so that we could discuss any interest I might have in competing on a reality show.

Considering that my last few posts have dealt with a giant penis, me killing a snake, and a country singer being knocked out with a cold beer...I was wondering what kind of reality show they might be putting on....

The FlyingMonkeys were very excited by this whole thing, and while anything I get like that I worry about being all flim-flam shammy I decided to e-mail her my phone number.

Imagine my surprise when I got a call from her yesterday afternoon. She was a very nice young woman who did not seem offended in the least when I had to tell her "No Thank You."

Those of you who know me...prepare yourself- you may actually wet your pants...the show she wanted to talk to me about was........Survivor.

Survivor, really...me...BWAH HA HA HA HA!

I tried to think of the positives...

Pro-- Certain weight loss
Con-- Rice and rain water diet

I would be going from wondering what I could rustle up to sooth my sweet tooth to eating grilled rat hoping to get enough protein to get through the next day.

Pro-- Free "vacation" in an exotic place
Con-- Sharing vacation with various deadly indigenous animals

PETA would probably take exception to my kill it first identify it later animal control policy.

The million dollar prize could be quite an incentive....

But, imagine surviving weeks of starvation and discomfort...you suffer and in the end you prevail. They hand you a giant check for $1,000,000 and before you can get on the plane to come home the TaxMan cuts it in half...

So thanks for asking CBS, but, no thanks.

***
Just a side note-

If you decided to go on Survivor and were told you could only bring one thing with you what would it be?

I considered a pair of corduroy pants so I could speed walk and win the fire starting challenge.

Too late...

I eased on to the football field Thursday and found nothing but a giant patch of dirt in the middle of the field...the penis has been eliminated. It looked like Lorena Bobbit had gotten loose with a shovel.

Has to be a short one today...the sky is green and the weather guy is saying something about "the lowest level of your home"...

Catch y'all tomorrow!

This Bud's For You....

Yesterday morning I read a news story that actually made me laugh out loud. Even as I told Rob about it last night it still made me laugh until I teared up...

Country singer Pat Green was doing a show at a NASCAR event. He asked the audience if "anyone had a cold beer" and they responded. The cold beer flew threw the air smacking Mr. Green right between the eyes, knocking him out cold.

The fact that I am snickering as I type this is a testament to my demented sense of humor...

In other news...tonight I will sneak onto the football field to try and get a better picture of the giant penis.

Chicken

I walked over to the stadium last night hoping to get a picture of the salt peter. I should have gone sooner...when I could have pretended to be watching practice.

The guy who takes care of the fields was the only one around by the time I got over there. His normal facial expression is reminiscent of someone in the middle of a prostate exam...yesterday's was worse.

Thursday I will try to get over there earlier...but in the meantime...someone should really tell this guy that if he wants to cut down on the giggling he should re-think the current placement of his sprinkler.

Salt Peter...

When I picked up the FlyingMonkeys from school Friday they were all a-twitter. Someone had done something frickin hillarious naughty...

Someone decorated the football field for our upcoming game with the N.B. Gamecocks.

They used salt, a truckload of it, and drew a giant penis, complete with testicles in the middle of the field. The kids swear that it is at least 20 yards in length.

I bet football practice is just precious..."wind sprints around the wanker" "sit ups on the scrotum"

Magnuts has practice tonight on a neighboring field...I am going to try to ease over and snap a picture of TheGiantPenis if I can figure out how to do it without looking like a perv.

Picture it, my house, last night....

I was all nice and freshly showered, sitting at my computer in my nightgown. My bare feet where swinging a few inches above the ground (I am short y'all) as I happily completed the editing of our family cookbook.

MonkeyBoy had just finished his shower and was walking through my room to toss his dirty clothes in the laundry room. That is when I heard something that did not seem real. Words that you NEVER EVER FRICKIN want to hear yelled in your house....

"SNAKE SNAKE SNAKE SNAKE SNAKE SNAKE!"

Ohhhhhh......shite. Every bad dream I had as a kid was coming true...the snake had come from UNDER my bed. It was moving away from MonkeyBoy's bare feet and right for mine.

Some part of my barely functioning brain must have realized that I had to kill the thing. Allowing it to escape would mean that in my mind it would always be somewhere in my house.

I started yelling for MonkeyBoy to throw me a shoe...

The snake was inches from my feet when MonkeyBoy tossed me the shoe, the commotion caused the snake to turn and head back for him...

I thew the shoe at the snake...missed, but the snake turned around and headed back in my direction. MonkeyBoy retrieved my shoe and this time I didn't throw it, I held it in my hand and smacked the ever loving crap out of the snake.

Rob was still 45 minutes from being home...that is exactly how long the "dead" snake laid on the floor in front of my bathroom. I use "sarcasta-quotes" because I find it so difficult to tell when a snake is dead. Consider the time that I went through an entire box of shells because the snake kept moving.

If something is dead IT SHOULD NOT KEEP MOVING. I need the death of a snake to be a little more definitive...maybe they could burst into flames or turn to ash.

Rob arrived, picked up the snake, and walked into the bathroom with it...

HE WAS GOING TO FLUSH IT!!! Oh hells no...I would never be able to use our toilet again.

The thing is now in the woods...

***
And now a quick "Thanks" to my Mom.
Yesterday when I called you to tell you about the snake that I had JUST killed...I appreciate you reminding me that where you find a baby snake there must be a Mama and the other babies...

Also the bit about not scooping up laundry from the floor, "because they could be hiding under it..." Thankyou.

I know that you only told me all of that because you love me...I hope one day I can return the favor...Love ya!

End of Summer...

The boys getting in a last couple of dives in the lake...

Miss-D and the slalom ski...

Odds & Ends...

-The TV weatherman excitedly announced this morning that the next couple of days would be more like September than August. WTH...the only thing more expensive than my August power bill is the one I will get for September.

-Miss-D got contacts this week. She spent most of last year without her glasses because they kept breaking. She was fitted on Monday and has been doing well with them all week. We went with Dailies (a new pair every day). This means that I don't have to worry about her not cleaning them well and getting an infection. I also don't have to freak out if she looses one. Here is the best news... We went back yesterday for a re-check and I placed the order for her contacts. The total cost after insurance and rebate for an entire YEARS worth of contacts...15.20!!!!!!

-I stained 800 1.25 X .75 inch shingles yesterday. Today I will attempt to shingle the dollhouse I have been working on.

-I am still smoke free

Censorship and the ARSE....

School started yesterday and everyone is trying to get back into early bedtimes and early rising. So...at 9pm I was laying in bed and had just started a new book. Generally a good read will help me drift right to sleep...last night, not so much.

I had stumbled over this particular book at the library and was looking forward to giving it a shot. The kids were in bed, I was snuggled under the blankets, all was quiet...I started to read.

A dozen pages in, I am interested and engaged, I flip to the next page and see two black marks. Upon closer inspection I discover that someone has taken a black ink pen and scribbled through two curse words on the facing page. Where it not for my encyclopedic knowledge of curse words I would not have been able to decipher the original text.

I was intrigued, amused, and no longer sleepy...I had discovered an ARSE (analretentiveshiteraser)....

I flipped through the next couple of pages and noticed several more blackouts...and in a few cases the ARSE had added her own text, words I guess she found less offensive. In one case she substituted "jerk" for "shite heel"...

I went to the end of the book and begin to work backwards. Let me just say that the ARSE is nothing if not dedicated...she continued her scribble campaign through all 350 pages. She may have become even more zealous toward the end, blacking out the word "fart" and even on occasion marking through the portions of some compound words she found offensive....

I spent at least half an hour thumbing through the book. I just could not wrap my mind around what it would take to make a person check out a library book and then deface it that way. If the ARSE was so offended by "colorful" language why in the world would she check out a book about a gritty detective and his soap opera wife who discover Elvis and Marilyn Monroe's secret love letters. Everyone knows that gritty detectives have potty mouths...

It took at least an hour before I was able to get back to reading the story. Even then I was unable to really get in to it; the censorship was just too distracting. In the few pages that I did manage to read before giving up I found two words that the ARSE missed...

So I left her a little present....

Day 5 and I am still alive...

My hands need to be kept busy...so I have tried....

One of our BloggyFriends is having a little boy, (Margaret) and she lives in Texas so I couldn't resist this pattern when I saw it.....cowboy baby booties....

..

A giant teddy bear that needs me to sew his eyes on so that Rob will stop smacking people with him and calling it "blind justice."

A crocheted necklace for Miss-D...my first attempt at such a thing...

Tissue Paper flowers...

I have also finished 3 books and am knee deep in a Rosetta Stone Spanish lesson....

5 days and still smoke free...

Ahem...

I wasn't going to blog about this because it is embarrassing...and coming from the woman that brought you "Coming In A Little Hot" that should say something.

I quit smoking...my last cigarette was at 8pm Sunday night. I have been taking Chantix for a while and changing my habits to make this time as easy as humanly possible. Yesterday was not too bad...I just tried not to think about it...oh, and I spent most of the day shopping and getting a manicure.

The headache that I have had off and on for the last two days could be because I haven't had any coffee (didn't want to tempt fate, coffee and a cig always went so well together) or just that school hasn't started yet and the boys are driving me nuts.

I was really good, I did not yell at them once...when they got annoying I just said, "boys, if you don't behave Mom is going to go buy some cigarettes."

Yeah, that probably put me right on the Hell Train Express....but it worked and I didn't smoke, scream, or throw a screaming nutty.

I also gave up this little hobby to make quitting easier.

So, lets recap shall we? No coffee, no booze and no cigarettes....

I will be posting as my sanity allows....

Fugly Feet?

Do you have callouses larger than some of your toes? Dry heels with cracks big enough to store your spare change in?

Say goodbye to your foot woes....forever...or at least for the summer.

I have developed a sure fire way to have beautiful smooth feet....WHILE YOU TAN!!!!

First you will need to locate an "Old School" public pool.

The kind with the rough cement bottom that made your feet bleed as a kid. If you arrive at a public pool and do not see bandaid wrappers in the trash can you need to find a new pool.

Pack your children and all of their pool accoutrement, don't forget the water proof bandaids, and prepare to spend at least 90 minutes at the pool.

This is no-guilt beauty. The kids are perfectly entertained and will not need you to do a thing but "watch this" for the next 90 minutes (as long as they know where the band aids are and how to apply them).

Relax, tan...and when it is time to go...

90 minutes in the pool will have softened up even the most skanky feet, drag them on the bottom of the pool as you make your way to the ladder. You will need to make sure that you get the sides and bottoms for maximum exfoliation.

Yeah you are going to look pretty strange...but people will probably think you are just peeing in the pool, nothing gross like scraping off an inch of funky foot skin.

And the winner is...

Mrs. Schmitty!


The bottom autograph is courtesy of Mr. Jon Bon Jovi.

In high school my Dad was sometimes called in to be the "Rock Doc" for bands preforming in our city. Often he would return with a good story and several back stage passes. One night he got them for the Ratt/Bon Jovi concert. This was at a time when Bon Jovi was opening for Ratt, we had never heard of them.

After Bon Jovi finished we were able to meet them back stage. Dork that I am I got into a discussion with the keyboard player about...my Grandmother's Hammond Organ. Yes sir...I am awesome. He did offer to take me onto their bus and show me his organ...

Later, we (Dad and my little brother were with me) were standing around while Jon Bon Jovi was signing autographs and talking to some of the "girls" who made it backstage. My overwhelming coolness struck again and I muttered under my breath, "I would just die if he kissed me." Apparently my Dad took this as a challenge, he got Mr.Jovi's attention and said, "Would you please kiss my daughter?"

You always hear people talk about wanting the earth to open up and swallow them...it is hard to fully understand this desire until you have wished for it fervently yourself.

Mr.Jovi did kiss me; I was so stunned that I let out a little surprised "oh" after it was over to the amusement of all. As I write this my cheeks still turn red remembering it....

Ticky Taco

Friday night Magnuts asked to borrow a flashlight so he could take another look for Taco. Less than a minute later we heard him screaming that he had. Rob rushed in to try to capture the wily beast...

FYI...apparently it only takes about 24 hours for a domestic hamster to go feral.

When she was finally returned to her cage she paced the cage and every time one of us got near she rared on to her back legs and with wild googly eyes said "whatchu lookin at bee-ach!?"

I was tempted to grab my camera and snap some "not control group" pictures for all of the future science fairs we will be forced to participate in.

TANGENT ALERT! : When I was a kid my Dad helped me do my science project. We used a couple of house plants, one (control group) got plain water, the others got amphetamines...

Taco did manage to calm down, and thank God it wasn't the kind of calm down that involves her assuming room temperature. We live on a farm and have to put out rat bait or be over run. So far so good.

Hope you all had a great weekend...Here is a little preview of tomorrow:

We cleaned out our attic and I found this in one of my scrapbooks. Recognize any of the names?

Peas and Taco

We went to the Farmer's Market yesterday. I wanted the FlyingMonkeys to experience the "joy" of shelling peas....

When I was younger than Magnuts I was shelling peas. My best friend and I watched cartoons and shelled them until our thumbs were green. I wanted my kids to have this kind of fun...plus now I have this awesome freezer that needs to be filled.

Turns out that the difference in price between a hamper of peas shelled and un-shelled is only about $3. Thinking that the experience was more important than the fiscal logic I bought a 1/2 hamper of the wonderful white field peas and a 1/2 hamper of Zippers (easy to shell).

The white peas are not a lot of fun to shell. I shelled the entire bunch myself. MonkeyBoy shelled half of the Zippers by himself...at 11:30pm we were still shelling and watching TV.

It was at this time that Miss-D appeared with an empty hamster ball and tears in her eyes. Rob had put Taco in her ball for a little exercise and the lid had come off. We all searched for her...to no avail. Miss-D pulled out her laptop and found a website dedicated to helping people find their escaped hamsters....here are a few of the ideas:

-place flour on your floors so that you can identify their foot prints and track them back to their hiding places....

-place tin foil strategically around your house so that you can hear it rattle when your little pet walks over it....

-build a hamster trap....a shoe box with a hamster sized hole cut in the end, turn it on its bottom so that the hole is facing the ceiling, cover the hole with a paper towel with a treat on top of it.

-leave a trail of food all the way to the open cage....

Most of these ideas require that you check them every 20 minutes. It was after midnight...so...no. We did shut all of the toilet lids and we also put her cage on the floor with the door open...just in case.

This morning...still no Taco....and I still have peas to finish....

Y'all cross your fingers for Magnuts.

Dear Mr. President,

We at Reevesfarm would like to make known that we support drilling.

As a matter of fact if you would like to survey our farm and and find that the only suitable place for drilling is in the middle of my living room...that would still be just peachy.

Let me know if I need to start rearranging the furniture.

Your friend,
Laura

Rockin' at Sams...

Who would have thought that spending a Sat. night at Sam's club with my family could be such big fun?

We spent about 2 hours just wandering around and loading up a giant cart. As we made our way back up to the front of the store Magnuts and I noticed three college boys standing around a big screen TV attempting to play Rock Band. They were laughing at each other because even on "easy" they were unable to keep up with the game....Magnuts snickered.

About 5 minutes later we passed by that area again, this time no one was playing and Magnuts begged me to let him play one song. Before he even had the guitar strap adjusted people were stopping to watch him. He selected "expert" and it was on...

His little fingers were flying and people were stopped in their tracks. The college boys were back, employees lingered in the area to watch, during the solo there must have been 15-20 people standing around in amazement.

I especially loved how, at the conclusion of the song, he whipped the guitar off and announced "I am the best."

Nuts...

No, Jesse Jackson's latest gaff is not the subject of this particular post...funny as it was...

Today's post is about the extreme joy I am feeling this morning. As soon as I finish writing this the FlyingMonkeys will be helping me clean out and organize my laundry room so that the new freezer will fit.

Thatsssss right, a new freezer chest...the perfect way for me to satisfy my food hoarding needs.

Nuts, right? It is not really hoarding, there is just something about having a stocked freezer and pantry that makes me uber content.

Although, I may be tempting fate.

Several years ago I had my Grandmother's freezer chest. It was one of those 14 foot monsters, the kind that could easily hold a couple of dead bodies and a months worth of frozen pizzas. After we got it set up on our carport we headed to our local meat place and Sam's with most of our tax refund in an attempt to fill it up. I even had a garden that year. I carefully harvested tomatoes and bell peppers, prepared them and froze them...I was soooooo happy.

Then one day I went to get some burgers out of it...

There are really no words to describe what I found when I opened it. Consider that it was late summer in south Alabama....and someone had unplugged the freezer...it had been off AT LEAST a week....

I still have bad dreams about the smell.

My new freezer will be smaller and in my laundry room...a place the kids never go so it is unlikely that it will be accidentally unplugged.

Gotta get ta cleanin...have a good weekend!

Dear South Alabama Electric Coop,

In you recent letter you reminded me that I am not only a customer but an owner. Apparently I should have long since taken a more active roll; consider this a Memo from Management.

First let me tell you what you did correctly:

Updating our power lines to improve service is a good thing.

Sending customers/owners a letter alerting them to this action and the power outage that it will cause is also a good thing.

Now, to the other:

Mid July, really? Is this really the best time to shut down power for 3 hours? really?

What about November? A month when it probably won't be 90 degrees by 11am AND THE KIDS WILL BE AT SCHOOL!

When they are home and the power shuts down the FlyingMonkeys flock to me like chiggers to underpants. Because I am an owner of the power company they want answers. This sweaty discourse breaks down as they ask me "what did you do back before there was electricity?"

Obviously the pressures of being Management were getting to me because my response was less than motherly and ended with me telling them to call their Grandmother if they really wanted to know. Of course they couldn't do this because our non-cordless, circa 1980's phone is on a shelf so high that the only person in our house that can reach it was sitting in his nice air conditioned office far far away....a ladder was just too much trouble.

You warned me that the power would be out...so turn about is fair play.

If you EVER intentionally cut power in the middle of summer when the kids are home, this Owner will be delivering all 3 of her little Share Holders, un-medicated, to your office for the duration. When you crack, and you will, anyone in your office that has retained the ability to walk will be able to find me in the parking lot enjoying the quiet hummm of my car's AC.

That is all.

Bangers and splash...

We spent most of last week at the lake, AKA my Parent's house. It was our first visit since the completion of the new boat house. Might not sound like a big deal to you but....

Several years ago, and by several I really mean like 6 or 7, my parents were going to build a new boat house. Step one in this process was going to be the demolition of the old one. Some people might spend the weekend sweating and cursing while trying to pry the boards apart and then lug them to the shore...My Dad...not so much. He has always been a man of expediency so the removal of the old boat house was no different. It was down in less than an hour thanks to Dad's trusty flame thrower. The only thing that survived the fire was a portion of the walkway and the part that we used to lay out on...and that was only because it would not "catch".

Now they have a new one. It is outstanding. 2 slips for the boats, both with electric lifts. This is particularly exciting to me because it means that I won't have to wear a helmet to keep from being brained, again, by a manual one...(thanks Mom). It also has a large locking closet that is now home to all of the floats and a full sized fridge. My favorite part is the large "sitting" area, 1/2 covered and 1/2 open. The covered portion has ceiling fans and was the best place on earth to be this weekend.

By Friday afternoon we had a full house. Kids were skiing, tubing, and swimming until their little feet were wrinkled little prunes. Late in the afternoon the dinner bell rang...BBQ to die for. If you had any room left there was homemade ice cream, pound cake, 3 different kinds of brownies and lemon pie.......

To end the night we sat on the pier and watched the neighbors fireworks display. Well...that may be a little misleading....no one went to bed after that and the fireworks are nothing like what you might find at Crazy Bills. This neighbor hires "AGuy" and puts on a professional show every year, it is amazing.

No wonder my Brother says this is his favorite holiday.

Hope you all had a good one too!

Farmers in South Alabama:

You. Are. Welcome.

Yes, this rain that has popped up every day, breaking the drought, was a gift from me. It is the result of what might be described as an economic rain dance.

Thinking I was sooooooo smart I went and bought a family season pass to the public pool. The FlyingMonkeys needed a diversion and with our cousin coming to spend some time with us I thought it the perfect solution.

Our cousin got here last Sunday and I will be taking him to his Dad today. 10 days and we got to visit the pool ONCE. ONE TIME. NOT TWICE, ONCE.

The flash flood advisory occurred a few days ago, shortly after I returned home, with all 4 children, from buying pool toys. Can you say denial?

I did have enough sense to know that while the kids might find something fun to do with Noodles in the house I would probably not share their enthusiasm...so I also bought them a puzzle.

So in this last 10 days we have been pretty cooped up. My attempts at entertainment feel on deaf ears..."Hey kids who wants to learn how to fold a fitted sheet!" does not get them to come running.

*********
Sorry about the blogging lapse...you would think with 4 kids I would have had something funny to say...not so much. Seriously. Today we leave for the lake for the week. On the way I have promised Magnuts that he could spend some birthday money at the fireworks stand...blogging gold or a trip to ER?

Cake and poker...

Tomorrow is Magnuts' 9th birthday...

He had two choices this year for his party. I told him that I would rent the pool or the skating rink, he could invite 20 of his closest friends and we would totally do it up...party favors, themed cake and decor..etc... The drawback of this party is the gift. If he chose this expensive party then the present from us would not be the PSP he seems to have his eye on. However, he also had the option of the smaller family party. This party would be just us and two of our cousins, it would still involve his favorite b'day breakfast, dinner and cake + he could get the bigger gift he wanted.

Let the wavering begin.

We did not get anything locked in until yesterday morning. Like all important conversations this one occurred in my bed. Magnuts snuggled up with me and the negotiations began:

Magnuts-I want the smaller party but I want the biggest cake.

Me-Ok, I can get on board with the bigger cake.

Magnuts-I want to get my present on my birthday but I don't want my birthday dinner and cake until Sunday when my cousins will be here.

Me-Ok...are you sure you want to wait on the cake....

Magnuts-Yeah, remember I am going to my friend's birthday party Saturday so I will get to have cake that day anyway...this way I get cake all weekend.

Well...at least he thought it through.

Yesterday we went to order his cake. He choose the biggest one they have, the 1/2 sheet...it was the decoration choice that kind of threw me...and the older lady taking our order. Around the words "Happy Birthday Magnuts" there will be little dice, cards, poker chips and a roulette wheel...it should go well with all of the little mini vodkas I am bringing...

Busy and Disjointed...

My Grandmother died last week. She was 89 and passed peacefully in her sleep with my Father at her side.



My Dad called me after I got home from taking Miss-D to school. He asked me to call the cemetery and start making arrangements and then as we were getting off the phone, in an off-handed way, he told me that my Aunt and Grandfather's ashes would be delivered to my house.



That's not something you hear every day...



I began making arrangements, I told the FlyingMonkeys what had happened...and I continued with the business of being a Mom.



We had baseball end of season parties Wed. and Thur. nights. Miss-D still had class every day. On Friday I met my Mom and picked up my Grandmother's ashes. By the time I picked up Miss-D and got home the package containing my Aunt and Grandfather had been left on my porch.



We rushed to the cemetery to deliver the ashes and fill out the paper work. This nice man offered to keep the kids busy while I took care of the business at hand. Let me just tell you that standing next to a coffin while swiping your debit card is an odd thing...only the lady asking me if I would like cash back could have made it stranger.



After meeting Rob for dinner I was able to leave the FlyingMonkeys with him so that I could finish up my Father's Day shopping.



The service was the next day at 9am. I must say that I was anxious. I had been trusted to handle the internment of my Father's Mother, Father and Sister and I didn't want to screw it up. I ordered their grave stones...I must have looked at that form 100 times...checking and re-checking...trying to make sure everything was right.



The service went off without a hitch...thank you God.



So...I have been busy and distracted. I appreciate the concerned e-mails...I am fine and hope to get back to regular blogging soon.

Well...

I have had a lot going on since I last posted. I will try to get a post done about it all today so that I can put it up tomorrow....

This and that...

The boys had their last games Friday night and Rob and I celebrated our 14th anniversary Saturday...so a busy weekend.

Miss-D is back at school this week for a math thing. The school has decided to offer an honors math program and this year will be offering Pre-Algebra to "targeted" 7th graders and Algebra I to targeted 8th graders. She is a targeted 8th grader and because they didn't offer Pre-Algebra last year they will be letting this first group of 8th graders take a crash course this week. Math from 8-3, Monday - Friday...she is thrilled...not.

When I crept back to her room to wake her at 6ish this morning I noticed that Magnuts was curled up at the foot of her bed. I then noticed that someone had drawn with sidewalk chalk all over the tile floor in the bathroom....

Looked like someone couldn't sleep...so when he dragged his groggy butt into the breakfast this morning I told him that I had seen the mess...and waited...

He wobbled, blinked his eyes and said nothing. I continued..."I saw the mess you left on the bathroom floor...remember the one you made last night while everyone was trying to sleep..."

His eye lids drooped and he said..."I don't recall."

"I don't recall".....who says that? Lawyers, politicians, crooks....wait isn't that redundant?

Living with genious...

So Rob did something really cool at work this week. Actually he does stuff like this all the time but this time it was something I could actually understand well enough to describe.



His company spent a fortune on some specialized asset tracking software. Software that would allow them to keep up with the location of each and every crate. A problem arose, the software would only allow them to see 100 crates at a time. The developing company said that there was nothing that could be done about it that it could not be fixed.



In a matter of hours Rob managed to apply his algorithm to their source code and corrected the issue...or I think that is what he told me.



Rob's boss sent out a memo formally announcing that the problem no longer existed, that Rob had fixed it. He sent this memo to the developer of the faulty software and ccd every big boss in their own company.



The coup-de-grace was his offer to sell the software company the "fix" Rob developed....

37

Happy birthday to me...I got to sleep late and the only chore that I foresee is the cleaning of Magnut's uniform. Both boys have games tonight, and for once they have them in the same place! I will be taking my camera with the brand new memory card Rob gave me to see how close I can come to filling it up...1350 pics....maybe out of all those I will have 5 worth keeping.

Hope y'all all have a good one...gotta finish my coffee and go play the drums...

We will "air rock" you...

I got a great early birthday present from my parents...the drum kit for Rock Band!!!!

How about the drums are a little harder than I thought they would be.

With the guitar there are five fret buttons that you have to be able to play with the four fingers on your left hand while strumming with your right. I figured that the drums would be much more manageable...it requires that you hold two drum sticks and be able to press the bass pedal with your foot. I assumed I would be coming out ahead...I have the two hands for the drum sticks, and two feet...one for the pedal and one to spare.

Do you remember that little trick where you pat your belly with one hand while trying to rub circles on your head with the other? It's like that but with feet and sticks.

I can do it but it is going to take practice, and maybe booze.

In many of the songs there are parts that allow for a little "freestyle play". They allow you to play anything you like and the faster and more complex it is the more bonus points they award you.

Have you ever seen one of those little psycho Monkey dolls with the clanging symbols? That would be Magnuts during freestyle play.

We are just a catchy name and a microphone away from planning our world tour...and the microphones will be one sale this week....

Teacher of the year....not.

Last year the three 6th grade teachers had every student write one nice thing about every student in their class. The teachers then compiled a list for each student of all of the nice comments...leaving off the authors of each statement.

MonkeyBoy happens to be in the new 6th grade teacher's class and we have had issues with her all year. The kids seem to have learned more about her love life and where she buys her clothes than anything else.

She decided to take part in the "nice list". However, she did not create an anonymous compilation for each child...she stood in front of the class, identified the author of each list and then read their comments about all of the other students.

One little girl said something very sweet about MonkeyBoy, the teacher read her comment and then chuckled as she described it as "a bit dramatic."

My heart goes out to this girl. She wrote something that she had every reason to believe would be anonymous and not only was it not...the teacher mocked her.

Thank God we only have 2 days of school left....

Have you seen the Muffin Man?

Rob called me at 6:30 am to tell me to look on my printer. He told me not to freak out...just to look at what he had found in the kid's bathroom.


This is just the first 3 panels of a cartoon that I believe to be the work of MonkeyBoy. In case you can't tell what is going on....let me help you. In the first panel Bob decides to take Joe's muffin. In the next panel Joe determines that the penalty for muffin stealing is the complete removal of Bob's "junk". In the 3rd a wounded Bob rallies and returns the favor.

My reaction...I calmly told the children that I would appreciate it if they would refrain from drawing pictures of genitalia and pointed out that ripping someones wee wee off for stealing your muffin is never an appropriate response....even if it was a chocolate chip muffin.

So....am I "picking my battles" or just "phoning it in"?

How to mess with your new nurse:

Step 1. Bring leftover meatloaf, the kind full of chunks of onions and bell peppers, to work for lunch

Step 2. Fill stool sample cup with meatloaf and label it with a patients name

Step 3. Tell your new nurse that the sample needs to be checked for blood

Step 4. When nurse returns to your office to tell you that they ran the test and that it was positive tell them that the test was not sufficient to determine the true cause of the problem.

Step 5. Have the nervous nurse bring the sample to your office for closer examination.

Step 6. Take the "sample" from the nurse and begin digging through it with a tongue depressor while explaining that sometimes more unorthodox methods are required to produce a diagnosis.

Step 7. Tell nurse that there is only one real way to test stool for these particular symptoms as you use the tongue depressor to scoop a giant hunk of the "stool" into your mouth.

Step 8. Let nurse in one the joke before he does the old technicolor yawn all over your office floor.

Oink-pay

My phone rang. A glance at caller ID told me that it was my Mom. I answered and heard this:


"tsipa atpay"

I was thinking she had inadvertently "arse dialled."


Again I heard, "tsipa atpay," clearly, with purpose. Completely confused, I told her that I couldn't understand and asked her to repeat herself and she did, "tsipa atpay."


At this point I began to wonder if perhaps she was having a small stroke and needed assistance...


Annoyed and amused she said she would call me back.


Have you ever gotten a manicure at a place where 99% of the employees don't speak English....not a problem except at the places where they spend your entire visit chittering away in their native tongue and ignoring you. It is just rude. They might as well be whispering and pointing.


Well my Mom was annoyed and thought it would be a goof to call me and have a conversation in a language she didn't think they could understand...and it would have been a good one...if I spoke Pig Latin...

A Year In The Life...

A year ago yesterday Jenny had a post at Mama Drama asking about the dumb ways people had hurt themselves. I posted a comment and was so surprised at the positive response I decided to give blogging a shot....

Thanks all of you for your encouragement and for not judging my unholy love of the ellipsis or run-on sentences.

So in honor of this Year+1 anniversary I leave you with the comment that got it all started-

My 5yo son was using my bathroom, and in a standard move, left the door wide open. I walked by and something felt off, but in that moment I did not know what. Sure he had his hands on his little wee wee, but then he always did. Something caused me to do a double take, he was standing perfectly still, his face was bright red, tears on the brink; thinking he must have gotten soap down ye ol' willy hole again I look down. Oh sweet God, the little genius had taken these freakishly strong magnets and placed them on opposite sides of his wee-wee. I am talking about magnets that were smaller than a dime, and they had connected THROUGH THE SHAFT OF HIS WIENER! The end of his willy is now swollen and red, tears are falling and I yell for my husband. It was like a scene right out of ER, my husband throws him on the bed and is yelling at us to "clear" as he grips the little magnets trying to break the connection. The tip of said wanker is now turning a dangerous shade of purple, I am saying that we need to get him to the hospital. My husband screams "he will never make it" and in one last heroic move manages to release the magnets (and a small amount of skin). He ended up with two perfect purple circles, one on each side of his wee, a bag of frozen peas a few Motrin and he was fine.

And this is how my youngest child became known as MAGNUTS.

Playtime at the farm!

I am so excited! My 4 year old niece is coming to stay with us, she will be here in about an hour. She and I will head to the store to buy "snacks, treats and prizes" and then head to the FlyingMonkey's school so that she can eat lunch with the big kids.

She is bringing her cheerleading costume so that she can cheer for MonkeyBoy at his baseball game tonight...

My niece is not your average 4 year old. She is a pistol! We played imaginary store in the pool once. She was the owner of the "ice cream" store. I "walked" to the counter and asked her for a scoop of chocolate and she said, "Sorry we are all out of chocolate, what else would you like"? I went through a list of different flavors, each time she told me, with a grin, that they were all out. Finally I asked for strawberry, she said "Ooooohhhhh yesss we have strawberry, but it is closing time, please come back tomorrow." She said this with a straight face as she mimed hanging a "closed" sign.

This Christmas we were playing "car pool" on my Mom's bed. My niece was the MommyDriver and I was the kiddo in the back. I began "complaining" that it was a loooooonnnng trip and that I was starving. So she "pulled into a McDonald's" to get me some food. After close inspection of my imaginary meal I whined that I didn't get a toy...she said, "of course not it is a "Sad Meal"."

So I guess you can figure out why I look forward to this visit, she is a pip and you just never know what she will say next.

Have a good weekend!

Little Bo Peep

Years ago some genius brought a dozen baby chicks to Miss-D's 4 year old preschool class. Same genius told all the kids that they could pick one out to take home. By the time I had a clue Miss-D had already named one and was ready to bring it home.

So, we had a house chicken-Little Bo Peep.

She was a free range chicken but her favorite spot was in front of the TV in the den with the kids. She had chicken toys. Well, she had a strand of fake pearls that she LOVED and a pair of sparkly high heels that she enjoyed throwing around. Bo Peep knew her name and would come when called.

In retrospect I guess it was all pretty strange...and I didn't even mention the fact that she would sit on the sofa watching Law and Order with me after the kids went to bed.

Ummmm...so what is the weirdest animal that has ever lived in your house?

Are you smarter than a 3rd grader?

As I sit here checking over Magnuts' homework it occurs to me how different 3rd grade math has become.

I remember doing long division and rounding numbers and even the occasional word problem but I do not remember this:

Graph these points on the coordinate plane:
E: (-4,2)
F: (2,2)
G: (2,-4)
H: (-4,-4)

Or how about this:
-2 + -5 =
-5 + 2 =

8+12/4-3x2=

He had a little geometry mixed in last week and has already worked with variables.

I kind of like it this way. Totally helps keep it from being a snooze fest. I seem to remember great blocks of time in which we did nothing but long division...that could make anyone hate math.

So far I am still able to help with any homework they have...I am just finding that my way of doing it and their way seem to often be different. To change 5% to a number they can work with I don't spend any time multiplying by 100...I just slap that decimal two spots to the left- .05...

My way of dealing with equations makes the kids roll their eyes. They have never heard the phrase "what you do to one side you must do to the other." So when I show them something like this:

a + 10 = 20
a + 10 - 10 = 20 - 10
a = 10

They think I am nuts for showing that second step. I get that you can do that in your head at this level, but later...not so much.

Well school is almost over this year...that means I have about 60 days to get ready for 8th grade math...

Mommy knows best...

Margaret gave us some great news yesterday!

And as a belated Mother's Day present I pass along this wisdom to all you new mommies...

NEVER, I repeat NEVER say "Mother's Day" it should always be referred to as "Mother's Day Weekend."

1 day of adulation, pampering and total submission is not enough, neither is 2 days, but it is a good start.

If you think someone will balk at the 2 day celebration of your awesomeness then start with the term "Mother's Day Week" and work backwards.

Congrats again Margaret!

FlyingMonkeys and food prep...

The FlyingMonkeys do not have school today because we had an unused "weather day." We are going to lay about all morning before heading to town to spend an hour or two at the library and will be stopping to pick up a few "hot-and-ready" pizzas on our way home. The best part of this will be the dessert making that will go on this evening.

I found a dessert in our family cookbook that is so fine it should be outlawed. It is easy and the FlyingMonkeys can actually make it without my help (if any of you are keeping score that means that I am not cooking dinner or dessert!) It is called Banana Split Pie and here is how you put it together:

1 eight inch graham cracker crust or 12 minis (let me suggest the minis....once you taste this pie you can talk yourself into believing that the 8 inch pie shell is a "single serving")


Take an 8oz bar of softened cream cheese and mix in 1 cup of powdered sugar. Once well blended add 2 ripe bananas that have been cut into very tiny pieces. Put this mixture into your prepared (brush with melted butter and bake at 350 for about 5 minutes...allow to cool)pie shell.

Next layer-2 small cans of WELL drained crushed pineapple

Next layer-sprinkle coconut flakes

Next layer-sprinkle halved maraschino cherries

Chill for at least an hour...top with whipped cream when serving.

The great thing about this pie is the versatility...you can add nuts, leave out the coconut, etc...And the FlyingMonkeys can manage the prep work with a butter knife...so no ill timed ER trips for stitches!

Hope you all have a great weekend and a wonderful Mother's Day!

Na na na na na na...

I was remembering Rob's first Christmas with our family. Christmas was not a big deal with his family so when I started listening to carols in November I am sure he was a little stunned. He had never listened to Christmas music and was not familiar with most of the classics...for example Rocking Around The Christmas Tree by Brenda Lee. Every time this song came on he got the strangest look on his face.

This was the part that got him:

Rocking around the Christmas Tree
Let the Christmas Spirit ring
Later we'll have some pumpkin pie
and we'll do some caroling

His brain could not reconcile the fact his pregnant wife was decorating for Christmas to the tune of:
Later we'll have some Fu*#&%@ pie...and we'll do some caroling...

I guess I can understand his confusion...we are the ones who had and Easter Egg hunt that rewarded winners with imported beer instead of peeps...

So all of this reminded me of a book I once saw in a bathroom. It was a compilation of the most mutilated lyrics of our favorite songs. It was hilarious...but the hands down winner, the one that made me glad I was already in the bathroom involved the song Centerfold. Instead of My angel is the centerfold....it was....My anus is my centerhole...

What songs did you mutilate?

Dear Menopause,

I know we have never really met but I feel like I already know you (I bet you get that all the time...LOL)...and can not wait to meet you! I know you think I am too young for us to be together...but I am mature for my age.

AuntFlo is killing me. She knows that I want to break up and is driving me nuts. She has gotten all clingy; she drops in unannounced and stays way past her welcome. She actually force fed me an entire bag of snack sized Snickers yesterday....

AuntFlo is a mean bee-ach and I have had all of her I can take.

Hope to hear from you soon...

Your biggest fan,

Laura

Sex Drugs and Rock & Roll...

Sorry I have been absent.

I woke up in pain Saturday...they think it is my gallbladder and I will be having an ultrasound today.

The doc gave me some meds to help control the pain. Narcotics are not the fun I remember them being. There was no giddy happy fuzzy feeling...only fog and a growing feeling of constipation. Only the feeling that a coyote had pooped in my mouth while I slept was the same...

I will say I have figured out why so many rock stars use them. I got my first 100% on a Guitar Hero song while doped. As a matter of fact I got 100% on 7 songs...apparently I was over thinking it before.

Hope y'all had a better weekend...

Mom, why does my burger taste like pee?

Because we got it at the Checkers in Sanford Florida son...

They were recently cited for storing the buns in the men's room. They were stacked floor to ceiling and less than 12 inches from the commode...but I am sure it was ok because we all know how clean the men's room is...not.

They were also keeping cups in there...that gives all new meaning to my boy's favorite drink...the Suicide.

There was "soil build-up" in the ice bin...and they were cited for storing onions on the floor of the walk-in cooler.

They had a total of 9 critical violations and are still open for business....

EWWWWWWWWWW....

Stealing is fun.

Magnuts had a great game last night. He is the first batter...for reasons he doesn't care for. The soon to be 9 year old is 47 inches and 52lbs of high octane boy with a strike zone of about 4 inches. He is almost always walked. Make no mistake, if anything comes near his strike zone he is going to swing...but lately nothing really has.

What used to be his favorite part of the game, batting, is now the most boring to him. Never one to accept "boring" he has developed a new favorite...stealing...and he is good, very good at it. He may be small but he is quite fast.

Last night at his first at bat he was walked. Because no one was on base the catcher took his time getting the wild pitch back to the pitcher...so Magnuts simply rounded first base and stole 2nd...on a walk. Let me say that again-He was walked and STOLE 2nd.

The other team was stunned...and questioned the legality...totally legal.

He was a stealing machine. He batted twice, walked twice and scored twice.

So stealing is his lemonade from the no strike zone lemons....

Anger Management

I think I may have a problem.

I have managed to tick off 3 different families...not including the lady this morning.

Last year at this time Miss-D was preparing for the Student UN. She had a substitute teacher who was "prepping" them during English class. Miss-D's group was to be lead by this substitute and the country they would be representing was in Africa. The teacher spent most of English class talking about rape and genocide...I took exception. It was not until she sent Miss-D home with 3 college papers that I lost my mind. They described in graphic detail the use of rape as a weapon. A weapon designed to spread HIV. The first paragraph of one of the papers was a detailed account of a large family being slaughtered and/or raped in their church. It talked about a father watching his son's head being removed, watching his daughters and wife being raped, and then his own brutal death.

If this were a movie it would have been rated R for subject matter alone. Most of the graphic details would never have been filmed because they were just too horrific. So I was a tad pissed that someone would give things like that to my 6th grade daughter. The Principal agreed and the substitute has never forgiven me.

Did I mention that she has a son in MonkeyBoy's class...one of his best friends...

At the beginning of this year some of you will remember MonkeyBoy's unfortunate drawing that detailed the steps for making a Mentos/Coke "bomb." The step mother of a classmate found the drawing in her son's room and dragged her step son to school the next morning screaming to the principal that she had "found Internet bomb making plans" in his room. She threw her step son and my son under the bus because she didn't know what a Mento was. She believed the Internet to be evil...or as she said "from the devil."

So...needless to say MonkeyBoy has not been invited over to her house to spend the night...not that I would let him go.

And finally this very Friday I lost my cool again. After school MonkeyBoy told me that a classmate had offered him dip during PE. I told him to stay as far away from the kid as possible. That night he had a baseball game and while walking from our car to the field we ran into this kid....well the boys did. Magnuts yelled that this kid was trying to talk to MonkeyBoy...I whipped around and spotted him. Not hard to do considering that this kid is as big as my husband. I called his name, twice...loudly. I then told him that I knew what he had done at school that day and that I was not having it...that he had better stay away from my sons and that if I heard about it again there would be consequences. I then asked him if I had made myself clear.

I proceeded to the fields and asked around to try and find out who this kid's mother was. I really wanted to talk to her...I felt like I should explain what was going on...and why I had just shouted at her son on the school playground. No one had any idea who she was or where she was...not a problem because she found me.

The first words out of her mouth were, "do you have a problem with my son?" I answered honestly, "yes." I explained what had happened at school, at which point her son started throwing his arms in the air protesting that he could not have possibly had dip since he had no way to purchase it. I looked his mother in the eye and told her, "my son was offered dip from a can that your son had in his right front pocket. They were standing over their by home plate when it happened during PE and he saw him spitting the mess through the fence."

To this she said, "you should have come to me, not my son." She was right and I told her so. I said that until this conversation I did not know who she was but now that I did I would always come to her first...stuck out my hand and introduced my self. I went on to tell her that almost ten 7th grade boys had been suspended that very day for having dip in their lockers. I asked her how she would feel if her son came to her and told her that someone had offered him and illegal substance at school....

I doubt it, but I sincerely hope that she does some serious searching through that boys things.

Of course MonkeyBoy ended up eating it on this one too, the boys on his team called him a snitch. I could have prevented that by holding my temper...

So I guess it was no surprise to the other parents this morning when I laid on my horn because someone broke in front of my in the school drop-off line. I had allowed a two car-length space between me and the next car in line so that people trying to leave the school could get out. This doofus decided to jump into that space just as a lady was using it to leave the school parking lot.

Anger management issues or an unfortunate set of circumstances? discuss.